New friends

[Patricia]

Is there anyone out there who is in the same position as me?
My husband has fronto-temporal dementia and is now in care.
I work part-time and visit him three times a week. Although I have some good friends (couples) I feel as though I "don't belong" as three is an odd number. Although I still have a husband, at the same time I no longer have him. I feel as though I have been through some kind of bereavement and now need to move on and have some kind of new life. I am 58 and I enjoy the countryside, seaside and the galleries, theatres and shops of London.
I would like to correspond or meet anyone who feels that they can empathise with my situation.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Patricia
ah this is all too familiar a situation, I'm sure.

There's only one thing worse than being a 'third' person, and that is being invited to a do of some sort where most are couples and where the hosts [for the best possible reasons] invite along another lone soul.

I found total withdrawal came most easily to me, but that only works for a while!

You are about the same age as I am, and we are still in much the same situation with our spouses, so I understand your quandary.

When I was at your stage, I could see no way forward, as I was never the most social person - I always relied on Jan being there for that.

Through this past few years I have very much become a believer in fate. Things often happen seemingly at just the right time. Some people might attribute that to a god and perhaps I might once have done that, too.

There was a golfer who once commented that yes, he was lucky, and the more he did, the luckier he seemed to get. That's the key, I believe. The problem is finding out what to do more of that suits your time and personality.

The good news is that fate can step in, and that happened to me.

As a starting point, why not use the Talking Point forum as a means of communication, as you have already started to do? Your situation is one I have tried to start discussions about, and it would be good to have someone else who can contribute on the topic of 'what next for me?'

I found that trying to help others generally, unexpectedly gave me a fabulous new partner - who understood about Jan's continuing needs for care and visiting.

 

[susie]

Hello Patricia
Although you are much further down the line than me, my situation is the same as yours. David has AD and PicK's disease and although maintaining a reasonable front to strangers, his behaviour is becoming more demanding and difficult at times. I work part- time like you and it is very difficult to socialise on your own after many years as a couple. Take one step at a time and when you feel comfortable, move on. It will take a long while as caring changes your whole personality ,but from what I have read on other postings, the old you will come back. If you have any time left after work and visiting,try some local courses.-you may make new friends for trips etc. although I'm sure you know all this. It's just the first big step that's difficult. It will be hard at first but persevere. If you want to say which area you're in, I could do with company for theatres/concerts.
Keep posting.
Susie

 

[janemary]

Hello Patricia - I, too, have a youngish husband in care. This week I've been feeling particularly down and alone. I have many friends and good family, but somehow there doesn't seem much point to going out etc. I think, it is particularly hard when we still see our husbands and feel desperately sorry for them and their situation and yet want to get on with our own lives. I don't know how we can ever reconcile their needs/ our needs. I do find it easier when I talk with people in the local Alz. group who have been through similar experiences. Hope you are finding others to talk to as well. I have found through experience that my planned outings to the theatre, art galleries, weekend breaks etc. have been bitter sweet - I always thought I'd miss Philip in the tough times but I have found I really miss him when I'm enjoying myself and he's not there to share it with me. But saying that it won't stop me trying to enjoy life even though it will never be quite wholeheartedly. Good Luck and best wishes Jane