POA problems...

[sarah c]

My father set up POA 18 months ago as I think he suspected something was happening.

Then last summer he ended up in hospital after an incident of mistaking all his medication, my sister and I spoke to him and 'activated' the POA.

Since then I have been handling his finances. Now he constantly asks for his cash card and cheque book back, and when I say why? what needs paying...he cany tell me? (i.e. there isnt anything!)

and when I say, 'well I am looking after that arent I?' he seems to ignore it and ask again?

now my sister says, well just give it back to him, cant hurt!!

where do I go from here?

is this a step away from the accusations of taking the money etc?

 

[Annoula]

i don't let my mother handle finance no more. she is not able to, she forgets everything.
today she asked me to give her 700 euros.
i stayed calm (which i don't often do) and said "ok i will when i go to the bank". then she left.

i believe she will forget about it, but she will definately ask for money again.
i give her some money because she can still buy some things and go out sometimes. but checks and bank accounts?? no way! she used to drive me crazy every time she would lose all bank papers. no more!

i felt guilty for the money issue for many years, but i am getting over it now. she is not able to handle money but she can't admit it either.

nevertheless i will handle finance. period.


a suggestion: what if you gave your dad some not valid check books and credit cards? i heard some other carers suggesting it.

 

[sarah c]

well I do have his old chequebook, which I could give him, ? he has some old cards,

but he will go out to the shops say and use them and then get angry because they dont work?

I could hand the old cheque book over, even though the bank has said they will now accept nothing signed by him, so if he were to accidently write a cheque it would bounce and come back to me..?

he said the other day he had to have it as he had bills to pay, but I cant find any bills and he wont show me? so I think it is a comfort blanket thing more...?

 

[Annoula]

if he comes back angry cause he couldn't pay for something tell him that you know nothing about it and that you will check with the bank the soonest.

i believe money makes our beloved ones feel in control. it is a comfort issue.

we are not trying to steal their money (as i used to believe for myself), but protect them from possible fraud.

my mother would go to the bank for 2-3-4 times a month to get her pension. the tellers may got to know her and don't pay attention to her, but what if some "smart" guy took notice and manipulated her?

we still have fights over money with my mother, but i know i have to try to just say "yes" and "ok" to make her feel everything is fine, she is in control.
i think it's the best way to protect her and have a peace of mind for myself.

keep up the good work!

 

[magenta]

Poa

Hello,
I have been through all of this and it did eventually stop.
This is really tough. It made me feel really mean.
I just used to say, " you don't have to do that now. We sorted it all out with the solicitor." My husband is more impressed by professionals.
He did not drop it, but went to the CAB and they helped him to contact the Public Guardianship office! The Public Guardianship people are really nice. I think they must have experienced it all before. He always got some sort of reply from them and I was asked to provide evidence of how his income was used. I sent a letter explaining how I organised the money for the family (We are dependent on him) and a copy of the bank statement. They were happy with that.
I hope you have registered the POA with the bank and anywhere else there is money eg.credit card, savings. Inland revenue.
REMEMBER NEVER LET THE ORIGINAL GO ANYWHERE. It cannot be replaced.
The bank made their own copy while I was visiting a branch. The other people have all accepted a copy I had made at the solicitor's office. It cost £5. and it must be signed on every page. I actually send a photocopy of this copy when asked and have not yet had that refused.
Sadly, we have to shield those we care for from their own actions. It is a social staus to have control of ones money and to have cards and cheque book. My husband does have a small amount of cash, about £5 but he can't cope with paper money he thought I was trying to trick him! I noticed well before the questioning stopped that if we were in a shop he would always leave me to pay, he actually did not understand the coins. The questioning will stop.
Be brave, you are doing the right thing.

 

[sarah c]

thanks everyone, its all a great help.

I have the added problem, that my sister, additional attorney, originally didnt want anything to do with finances, and as Dad banks at the same bank as me, it was easy to transfer everything to me bank-wise. Online banking, new card etc..

Now all of a sudden my sister is 'keen' to get more and more involved in the money side of things, and I am not sure why? I almost feel as if having organised all this for months, I am being checked up on?

I have given dad the old cheque book so anything he writes will come back to me...

 

[Annoula]

money can be a tricky issue to take care of.

maybe your sister is checking but maybe she just wants to help..

if you stay open to her involvement and explain to her how you run things till now everything will be ok.
if you show resentment in her involvement then it's most probable that tension will come up between you, and that's not a good thing of course..

let us know how it goes.

it seems the old check book is working??

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Sarah,
As long as you have all the records your sister can go through, why not? She'll feel better. She's probably not checking up on you, she probably just feels guilty that you are doing it all.

I do it all as my sister is over 300 miles away. If she ever wants to see anything, I have it available.

 

[Clive]

Sarah

Where money is concerned it is often helpful to have a second person auditing the accounts to give you the satisfaction of knowing that all is well and that you are not missing anything... like still paying dad’s full Council Tax when he has AD, or the bank paying an RAC yearly subscription after he finished driving. Also when everything is transparent there will be no falling out later with either your sister or anyone else.

Possible you should remind your sister that having Power of Attorney only allows the Attorney to do what your dad would have done himself. That it really is a chore and not a new way of having “retail therapy”.

Clive

 

[Barby]

My Father-in-law used to go to the shop for a paper with his card and always asked for cash back, so he got £50 each time. We put a stop on the amount he could get out by only having a small amount in the account that he used and so if he lost his card or had it stolen the damage wouldn't be too great.
You have our sympathy with 'being checked up on'it can become difficult between attorneys but as long as you are open and she feels involved there shouldn't be a problem.
Best of luck and keep smiling