Interfering Family

[dog1]

Experiences / suggestions with interfering family.

Their visits/phone contact have created Mum problems.
Mum has suffered Panic Attacks, fallen 2x after spiralling agitation for days, or started packing clothes for a trip.
Increased Mum's medication from 25 mg to 100 mg after this family contact increased.

They take no responsibility : This is the ALZ, not them.

They refuse to believe us. They didn't witness it.
During visits Mum seems happy, but we see her nervous laughter is covering her confusion. They ask too many questions.

After, we are on damage control - HIGH.
Many questions, or unreasonable requests/ demands from Mum.
We see her yearn to be normal and have her prior life back.
We all wish that.

They have always been domineering. Possible there is more Alz in that side of the family, cousins are not stepping in to help their parents. They just want to visit their Sister?

They feel we are isolating Mum, she needs the love of family. Mum has plenty of vistors with her own children, grandchildren. She does best being in her Daily Routine and socializing with her NEW friends at the facility. It is wonderful she has made friends there.

We are trying supervised visits 2x month
We have blocked phone numbers. Zero phone calls for them.

My friend told me: IT IS TIME TO PRUNE THE FAMILY TREE.

Anyone else have interfering family?

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi dog1 and welcome to Talking Point

I was an only so I didn't have family for good or bad. I do know from being here, though, that a lot of people either have interfering family or disappearing family. Undoubtedly the worst kind are the disappearing ones who STILL feel the need to put their oar in, which seems to be your unhappy lot.

Hopefully people will post who have been in your position. I do know you're not the only one.

Best wishes

 

[dog1]

Thanks Jennifer for your kind words.
So far I have seen lots of Common Sense and Good Sense here.

We are hanging in.
This has united us children and grandchildren.
This disease is hard enough without the added family drama.

 

[jenniferpa]

One of the things that a lot of us have noticed is that, at least in the early and middle stages, people can make a real effort to appear "normal" for short periods of time. They (and their carers) pay the price later on, but the phenomena exists. Sometimes, it can be when "officials" are in the picture (doctors etc), sometimes it can be family members. Whoever it is, it is, sadly, short term. My mother was the master of the smile and nod approach and you often wouldn't have known there was anything wrong.

Family can be a blessing when they "get" it, and a curse when they don't.

 

[Royalslady]

I am fortunate enough to have a large and very close knit family. I know they only want what is right for Mum and would follow advice from myself or the CH with regard to visiting and spending time with Mum.

I am sorry you are having these problems. Hopefully the measures put in place will help your Mum's anxiety levels. Perhaps this extended family are well meaning but just don't get it? It took me a while to 'get it' and I am not sure I ever really will. How the hell can we make sense of such a thing?

 

[Sam Iam]

Hey Dog, I have had the same experiance as you with my brother, interfering, bossing, being derogative,but in the end I had to be strong for my Mum and my own mental health, so in the end here is what I did

 

[Sam Iam]

I dont mean to be light hearted Dog it took me three l o n g years and two long spells off of work through depression to get to where I am. Mum is his Mum too and he still makes a half hearted effort to keep the ties going with Mum but not me and it will I am afraid have to remain that way for ever and a day....

So in the end I guess what I am saying is you have to protect your Mum and your family in the best way possible and if that means causing upset to people who are on the outside of your strong family circle then so be it.Enjoy the strength of your close family and especially your Mum for that is surely what really matters.
love to you and yours.xx

 

[suzanne]

Fmily

My mum's family aren't interfering but the anxiety levels experienced prior to a visit used to shoot through the roof, getting ready at 4am etc, in the end decided the value of the visits outweighed the fallout afterwards but the whole experience was lessened if mum was not told about it until a1/2 hour before hand.Phone calls are kept to a minimum and they are happy with this andI tryto keep them informed about mum's progress.I also realised that if there was a crisis I could still call on them for help.

 

[Regina]

Hi there,
I'm sorry you've experienced this. I find that keeping records of emotional as well as physical changes day to day helps. You could share the information with your family and maybe the day to day would help them realize what upsets her. It might also help them see her routine etc. to get a better understanding of how things really are.
Take one day at a time or one minute if you have to.

 

[rose_of_york]

Hello

I am an only child struggling to keep my mother afloat with no help. Mother refuses to admit to her illness and is one of those who can act "normal" for short periods. A cousin visits every few weeks for an hour and then tells me that I am wrong about my mother, there is nothing wrong with her and I shouldn't try and make her do anything she doesn't want to do!

Grrrrrr...........

Good luck

 

[ChrisH]

rose
Perhaps the cousin would like to visit your mum for a few days, or better still, take your mum to stay with him/her.

Chris

 

[alfjess]

Hi

I would love to have a disappearing brother, it would be great if he would just disappear out of my life, altogether.

Sorry if I've shocked some of you, but my brother has yet again caused trouble and is now supposedly going to report a very good staff nurse in Dad's care unit.

I am fed up of apologising for him and now I have to try to impliment damage control, yet again

Life would be so much easier if I were an only child
Alfjess

 

[dog1]

Very Good Day today with Mum.
Applied some methods from Contented Dementia book and it worked like a charm. Mom responded very positively. I still need to work out handling the Bad Days. I am learning / understanding. Progress.

Thanks all for jumping in here.

Royalslady: It is past well meaning. I thought that at the beginning. I was told to look at the past, before ALZ, the pattern was there, not cooperating. Actions speak louder than words.

Sam Iam: LOVED the door. Appreciate the laugh. Boosted my spirits up several notches. LOL Thanks for the support. You are a survivor, too! Humor keeps us going! I would not know how to add a swinging door. Impressive!

suzanne: Good idea, not telling her too much in advance. We can see her struggle to "perform". We are going to shorten visits, too. I would prefer NO VISITS. I think that would start more trouble. Hope this works.

Regina: We hoped when they saw how well run the facility was and how well Mum was doing, they would be SATISFIED and COOPERATE. They turned that into, we don't see any real Mum probs, you are being restrictive to be CRUEL to us. Hah. I agonize over each decision and it is based on Mum's reactions they do not witness.

We would welcome support and help, but they will never understand. I just realized recently, these people never thought my Dad was injured in a car accident, deteriorated S-L-O-W-L-Y, became disabled, and died. We had to tolerate insinuations from these same people that my Dad was faking it until the day he dropped dead. Is dead is sick enough? That is what it would take for them to acknowledge issues - Mum would have to be dead to meet their standard to qualify; and they would need proof of a body.

History is repeating. I am trying to be wiser this time.

rose_of_york: Mum was always quiet. People are always surprised if I tell them. Mum is fantastic at being "normal" for short periods. But then she needs rest.

ChrisH: My brother says this all the time! Let them take Mum. (Joking of course!) LOL One one hand, they say they are "happy" we're "controlling" Mum. Then they criticize and don't cooperate. They are conveniently ignorant when it suits them. I am not "controlling" Mum. I am MANAGING a disease, not controlling. Have corrected them each time.

alfjess: That is a TRUE nightmare. Having a sibling working against you? Groan. So Sorry! I hope some info will help you.

For the record we have had several family meetings and several together with Mum's facility and it did not resolve much. They would think of something we did NOT specify and jump thru that crack. They just can't be trusted. We are trying LIMITED supervised visits. We can only hope they will cooperate.

Professionals have told me there is something mentally amiss with them. It would take tests to confirm exactly what it is.
Probably a combination is my guess.

Had a chat with a friend I haven't seen for awhile and she is also beating her head against a wall, but with an "impossible friend".
That friendship is hopefully at an end now.

Get toxic people out of your life.
Sounds simple.
Much more difficult when you're related.

If you are feeling the same way, some of this may help.
Check the symptoms:

Narcissistic Personality
Histrionic personality disorder
Bipolar
Borderline Personality Disorder.

Medication may help some cases, some of these there is no medication help at all.
Most need years of therapy.
I read thru some of the symptoms and too many applied.
Truly dysfunctional.

Perhaps some are getting Alzheimer's?
But the past shows there have been issues/patterns before.
Who knows.

I guess the "label" does not matter.
The result has been consistent, bad effects on Mum.
So we will try our best to help Mum - priority #1.

As a crisis hits, these things surface at full strength.

Blessing: It has brought us children together.
Again, I could not imagine dealing with this if it were a sibling.

Nice to share.