Help, I can't cope anymore

[AliW]

I seemed to be able to cope with Mum's problems until last week when she was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer's (after years of being told by the doctors that it was just old age).

Before then we all knew there was something wrong. She wasn't eating, her memory was terrible, several times she was conned out of money and she wasn't taking her medicines correctly.

We put various steps in place over the last few years, such as power of attorney for her finances, 2 visits a day from social services to ensure she is fed and extra visits to ensure she and her house are clean.

Despite all of this once the consultant said it was Alzheimer's my world just collapsed. I feel like I have nowhere to turn.

The shock hit me so hard that I had to be signed off work.

There is no other family to help, my sister died 6 weeks ago (although she never actually helped anyway), but her death made it clear that I am on my own when it comes to Mum's care.

My husband and kids do what they can, but I feel I should be doing more for her but I haven't got the strength. I've even started to feel resentful towards Mum, but I know it's her illness - so then I start to be racked with guilt.

Every time she calls I dread answering the phone as I know it will be another crisis and I feel that every time that something goes wrong that it is my fault. For example when I took her to the dentist she told me I should make sure Mum brushes her teeth, I can't be there to do that.

I can't cope with helping her, and I can't cope with the guilt of not helping. I never knew I could feel so low.

 

[TinaT]

Every time she calls I dread answering the phone as I know it will be another crisis

This sentance rang a bell!!! My mum is not really sure what is a crisis and what isn't. A crisis can be anything from her getting locked out to a letter from the council informing her they will be changing the date the dustbins are emptied.



I think you are at the point where it is time to get in touch with Social Services and see what more they can offer. My love to you.

xxTinaT

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Ali

If you feel you can`t cope you don`t have to.

Contact Social Services as Tina suggested and tell them just that.

You are not compelled to be the one to care for your mother. You have just lost your sister, and even if she didn`t help, she was there. Now she has gone and you are in mourning.

Forget any guilt you might feel. You need help and you need it now. Sadly you will only get it if you ask.

Please do.

 

[sue38]

Hi Ali,

Even though my dad had been having problems for years, and we knew in our heart of hearts that this was not a 'normal' problem, when we heard the 'A' word it was terrible shock, and the one thing we dreaded hearing. Yes our world came crashing down, and it was 2 months before I could look at the AS site, and a few more months before I posted on here. That was just over 2 years ago.

It's not been easy, but this is the place to come when you feel you can't cope.

You can't be expected to be there every time your mum brushes her teeth. You need help and the help is there, but you sometimes need to make a nuisance of yourself to get that help.

Now you have the diagnosis you should have a referral to social services or a CPN, depending on how it works in your area.

I had so many questions (and still do). There is a wealth of experience here, at your fingertips, and everyone will try to help with practical problems, or just be an ear when you need to scream!

 

[AliW]

Thanks. It helps to hear that from people who actually know what I'm going through

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Ali

You can only do what you can do. Do not feel guilty or a failure. You and your kids are as important as your mum. Seek every help that you can, and remind yourself what a caring person you are. That doesn't mean you can cope with everything, it means you care. What mother can hope for better from her daughter?

Love

Margaret

 

[pebble]

Dear AliW
I was so sorry to hear of your troubles and can identify with all that you say. I absolutely knew my Mum's diagnosis was going to be Alzheimers but, like you, hearing it from a professional - an outsider if you like - was much harder than I realised it would be. You somehow muddle along in the early stages but a diagnosis is an abrupt point at which recognising the downturn becomes unavoidable.
I lost my sister last summer and it has been just so stressful trying to deal with my own shock and bereavement and that of Mum's as well, with Alzheimer's on top. I have been quite unwell with it and had no idea what a difficult longterm enemy stress is to deal with. Like you I have no other family and feel quite alone having lost the only other person who really knew Mum - there is a big void when trying to work out what to do for the best and sadly no-one else can fill it. I can't offer advice but I can sympathise very much with your loss. Trying to avoid additional stress is easy to say on paper but so hard in these circumstances. Being pulled into a whirlpool comes to mind.
My mum is at a comparible stage to your Mum (at home with a bit of help from Social Services) but I can't help feeling that it's only scratching the surface. Getting to grips with the realisation that Mum's situation isn't fixable in any real sense of the word helps to make me feel less guilty sometimes. With much sympathy and empathy.

 

[KatsWhiskers]

Hello there

No consolation I know but I live with and care for my Mum of 89 who was diagnosed 5 years ago. I have no help and have no relatives. At least you have a husband and a family to keep you sane and to share times with.

It's hard work but am sure you can arrange for lots of help from Social Services if you find it too much for you. Unfortuinately my Mum has always been a very 'private' person so has declined andy offers of help either for herself or for me.

What you have to keep telling yourself is that there are so many others worse off than you and of course remember to count to 100 when feeling as if you're going to explode.

Kind regards
Mary

 

[Sooe]

Never give up

Hi Ali
All hugs for you, I can feel where you are coming from, I so hope it gets better for you, and a little easier. We had similiar losses, first FIL, then SIL suddenly last Christmas, and now MIL gone downhill sooo fast its scary, every day I feel I can't cope, but sadly thats my problem to learn how to cope, I have to hide my tears from Hubby and Daughter, so that we can all try and cope somehow....but swallowing tears the whole time is stressful and hard work, try and let your feelings out on TP they are a great bunch and everyone is around to help and nag if necessary! Even MIL in nursing home doesn't ease the pain, and seeing her is so difficult, its like seeing another person you don't know.
Please don't give up, and never blame yourself for anything at all, we can only continue to do our best and give those that are suffering all the love and hugs we can.
Take care and I do hope things settle even a little to let you breathe easier again.
Sooe xxxx

 

[Soup Runner]

You Are Not Alone

I was so sorry to read about your situation.
Like you I was devestated when my own mother was diagnosed with Dementia. Mum is in a nursing home as she is wheelchair bound but it is still painful seeing what this disease has done to her mind.
On this site you will find many people who understand where you are at, I did, and knowing others are going through the same as you does help.
I found a book "The Simplicity Of Dementia" to be very useful in explaining what was happening in easy to understand language.

Take Care

Soup Runner