Hi my 82 year old dad is driving me nuts! It's the constant stalking, I am only away from this man when I go to bed, I am starting to resent him. I cannot get on with my marriage or being a mother to my 2 year old because everything is about him. My child and I sit in a room with him all day, I have no help and don't drive, I've been having strange turns which make me light headed and then make me vomit and the doctor says I'm suffering from exhaustion, she said my life must be unbearable constantly with dad stuck up my back, she contacted social services but nothing has happened yet. She says it might be eaiser if he went to a day centre some days, but he is still lucid and really wouldn't want to go, it would make me feel terrible forcing him out of his own house to go and sit somewhere he doesn't want to. I just don't know what to do anymore, I went through all this with my mum who died 3 years ago but I wasn't married with a baby then. I had to wait til I was 39 to get married and pregnant because of mum and now dad is unknowingly destroying my marriage and my sanity. How am I supposed to carry on like this. I love dad but he is draining the life out of me I also work from home. Family are useless!
Not coping
- Thread starter Mjaqmac
- Start date
Mjaqmac, I am so sorry you have to go through this again. You really must get help or you will be really ill & unable to look after your child.
Please try the day centre, you don't know, he might like it if he is persuaded, and mixing with new people & getting out the house might be good stimulation for him. Also ask for respite, you need to go out & do things with your child on a one to one and what about a family holiday?
Is your Father self funding? Can you call social services yourself? What are the circumstances of his living with you, is it your home or his?
Please don't let your child, marriage and health suffer so much.Your two year old has to come first.
Please try the day centre, you don't know, he might like it if he is persuaded, and mixing with new people & getting out the house might be good stimulation for him. Also ask for respite, you need to go out & do things with your child on a one to one and what about a family holiday?
Is your Father self funding? Can you call social services yourself? What are the circumstances of his living with you, is it your home or his?
Please don't let your child, marriage and health suffer so much.Your two year old has to come first.
Hi Magic
Oh goodness, while it is lovely to see you back here, it is dreadful, given the circumstances.
I seem to recall your circumstances are more challenging than most - the house and all being the most difficult factor.
Stalking at the best of times is trying, but I can't even imagine how it must be when you have a very young child AND are trying to work from home, while being constantly stalked.
Several things concern me more than others:
Have you tried contacting Dad's consultant and re-visiting medications and other options.
At present you seem to be doing what many of us have attempted - to manage it all because there is no help that is seemingly available. In such a situation you need - in my opinion - to go back to square one with your Dad's consultant.
Sorry if all this is stating the obvious, but I have no other suggestions, given your circumstances.
Hang on in there trying to get help. You are too good a person to become another victim in dementia's wake.....
love
Bruce
Oh goodness, while it is lovely to see you back here, it is dreadful, given the circumstances.
I seem to recall your circumstances are more challenging than most - the house and all being the most difficult factor.
Stalking at the best of times is trying, but I can't even imagine how it must be when you have a very young child AND are trying to work from home, while being constantly stalked.
Several things concern me more than others:
your health is critical to you and your family as well as to your caring role. Your responsibilities extend very widely indeed - knowledge of this in itself is a stress factor - but there needs to be a priority hierarchy of some sort, starting with your immediate family.
is it possible to chase this? it seems at least a glimmer of some help might be there.
you deserve a life and to be unfeelingly objective, your Dad has had 82 years already. Yours has been constrained for far too long.
quite plainly, you can't.
presumably this is your own GP?
Have you tried contacting Dad's consultant and re-visiting medications and other options.
At present you seem to be doing what many of us have attempted - to manage it all because there is no help that is seemingly available. In such a situation you need - in my opinion - to go back to square one with your Dad's consultant.
Sorry if all this is stating the obvious, but I have no other suggestions, given your circumstances.
Hang on in there trying to get help. You are too good a person to become another victim in dementia's wake.....
love
Bruce
Dear Mjaqmac
Please try the day centre.
Life is different for you since you cared for your mother. Your father cannot take priority over your child and your marriage.
If he attends day care you will not be abandoning him, you will just be trying to reach a compromise. You must have some time for yourself and your child.
When things got too difficult for me, I began to feel hysteria and panic whenever my husband demanded too much. This has been remedied.
Your health is obviously being affected too. I am not suggesting the same medication solution would be suitable for your father, but I am suggesting some space for you would surely help.
Please try the day centre.
Life is different for you since you cared for your mother. Your father cannot take priority over your child and your marriage.
If he attends day care you will not be abandoning him, you will just be trying to reach a compromise. You must have some time for yourself and your child.
When things got too difficult for me, I began to feel hysteria and panic whenever my husband demanded too much. This has been remedied.
Your health is obviously being affected too. I am not suggesting the same medication solution would be suitable for your father, but I am suggesting some space for you would surely help.
Last edited:
thanks
thanks everyone and my old pal Braveheart.
Dad has a slow heart beat so they say he can't be given any of the alz medications, they also suspect he may have Parkinson's because of a tremor in his hand. Life has been filled with Alz since 2000 when mum took it. I's so tired all the time (I'm almost 43) and coping with a two year old, I wanted another child but couldn't even attempt it as I know I would never cope with dad.
He wanted me to stay with him when I got married almost 4 years ago, we didn't know he had the disease then. I am living in his house.
How do SS work regarding day centres, do they have to be paid for? I vaguely remember paying just for lunches for my mother.
thanks everyone and my old pal Braveheart.
Dad has a slow heart beat so they say he can't be given any of the alz medications, they also suspect he may have Parkinson's because of a tremor in his hand. Life has been filled with Alz since 2000 when mum took it. I's so tired all the time (I'm almost 43) and coping with a two year old, I wanted another child but couldn't even attempt it as I know I would never cope with dad.
He wanted me to stay with him when I got married almost 4 years ago, we didn't know he had the disease then. I am living in his house.
How do SS work regarding day centres, do they have to be paid for? I vaguely remember paying just for lunches for my mother.
Last edited:
You should not have to pay for day care. Perhaps lunches, but it probably depends who runs the day care.
I doubt very much you would have to sell the home to fund your father in residential care as it has been your home for so long.
You know you can always get advice on that from the AS Helpline.
I doubt very much you would have to sell the home to fund your father in residential care as it has been your home for so long.
You know you can always get advice on that from the AS Helpline.
Magic - I don't think you can rely on the information I'm about to give you because it's anecdotal but I have heard that when social services are confronted with the options of selling the house but having to rehouse the remaining family (as I believe they would have to since you have such a young child) and not selling the house and not having to rehouse but pay for care they tend to take the second option: it's less messy, time consuming and in many cases cheaper, particularly if there was any chance of the remaining family taking them to court. In this latter case they "might" attempt to place a lien on the house to pay the fees when it was subsequently sold, I don't suppose there's any chance that your mother left her share of the house to you?
As to your father "not really wanting to go to day care" - you don't really want him to have to go, but you need the breathing space. I'm sure he would compromise if he were well so you're going to have to make that decision for him - there is no doubt in my mind that it will ultimately benefit him, if only because it allows you to keep your sanity.
As to your father "not really wanting to go to day care" - you don't really want him to have to go, but you need the breathing space. I'm sure he would compromise if he were well so you're going to have to make that decision for him - there is no doubt in my mind that it will ultimately benefit him, if only because it allows you to keep your sanity.
Magic I am so sorry for you. Contact SS tomorrow, you cant carry on like this, you deserve to be with your baby and spend time with your husband but mostly time for yourself.
Take care and be kind to yourself xxx
Take care and be kind to yourself xxx
Hi Magic,
I do hope you manage to sort something out soon.
Hugs,
It is possible that your Dad might enjoy going to a Day Centre. My sister lives with my Mum and we weren't sure how Mum would be at the Day Centre, but now she really looks forward to going! She has made a couple of friends there and the staff are absolutely wonderful. She nearly always comes out smiling. It gives my sister a break too. If we hadn't "sent" Mum there she would just be stuck in the house all day, bored and probably following my sis around.
I do hope you manage to sort something out soon.
Hugs,
May be if you can perceive it as not “forcing him out of HIS house, but the house you all share.
My mother came to live with me, but I do not feel it’s MY house it’s OUR house. So your father name is on the deeds alone ?, my name alone is on the tenancy. But it’s still OUR house.
When I wanted mum to move into care home, Social services made me feel I was forcing mum into a care home, they ask me who name is on the tenancy.
My mother says this is her house also and rightly so ! but mum feeling I am throwing her out of our home, which I am not.
Forget it take it out of the equation who name on the deeds. your father ask you to move , . leave that till the time come you feel you want your father in a care home full time .
if you feel like your father does not like day centre , his not going to like a care home . So your going to feel the same if your father go into care home , your forcing him into care home .
You’re looking after your father, you’re not coping now and you’re not going to cope in the future as you know it only gets worse.
Take One step at a time , Take a leap of faith into your father; tell him you’re not coping, would he do it for you try day centre. My mother did it for me also respite care home, while she still had the clarity of mind awareness. Even thought she won’t do full time care home while she still aware of her surrounding . every one different I know , but if you don’t try day centre your never know your father reaction.
My mother go social services day center , also AZ day center . Only paying for Lunch > Social services is mean tested & AZ day center is set daily rate of £7 :50 same for every one . which is not bad, because it also include picking mum up from home , bring her back
Last edited:
Hi Magic
I wanted to offer you so much support and advice, and found that I couldn't do so. Hope others have suggestions, I felt so out of my depth. We will get you through his, use us.
Love
Margaret
I wanted to offer you so much support and advice, and found that I couldn't do so. Hope others have suggestions, I felt so out of my depth. We will get you through his, use us.
Love
Margaret
