I'm new to this disease, but have done extensive research. My husband and I have moved my mother in law into our home. She lived with a caretaker in her own home for the past 2 years but the cost was just eating us alive. We decided after Christmas that being with us was a better choice even though we wanted her to live at her house as long as possible. It was time. She has been here for a few weeks and the stress is a daily challenge for me. She's 91 and has always been like my mother and I truly love her. I just don't know how to deal with some of the things she wants/ expects. She repeats the same phrases thousands of times a day and wants someone constantly at her side. How do I get things done? If I leave the room for even a minute she's yelling for help. I check on her and everything is the same as when I left the room. I can't even make lunch without hearing her yell for me. I'm handling it pretty well and have gotten someone to help 3 days a week, but I feel like my life is gone. Can anyone give me advice. Regina
my mother in law
- Thread starter Regina
- Start date
Hi Regina
Very sorry to hear you are having a tough time,its not easy I know, I have always lived at home with my mum, she has dementia for over six years now and things got quite bad just over a year ago when she got a lot worse, she became very agressive and also the things you mention. The agression thankfully did not last very long at all. I found the yelling for help was just because my mum was scared when I was not there, I'd be in the kitchen and she would be calling for me, I used to talk to her while I was in the kitchen or if I was leaving the room I used to hold her hand/rub her hand and just tell her I was popping into the kitchen for a minute and I would be back in a minute, this actually worked for me, my mum whose speach was terrible a year ago but now it has improved actually would said "ok" to me and the calling stopped. One thing I have learned from the board about dementia is that no one person with dementia is the same,so what works with one person won't necesaary work with someone else but I'm sure you will get good advice from others
Keep strong
Very sorry to hear you are having a tough time,its not easy I know, I have always lived at home with my mum, she has dementia for over six years now and things got quite bad just over a year ago when she got a lot worse, she became very agressive and also the things you mention. The agression thankfully did not last very long at all. I found the yelling for help was just because my mum was scared when I was not there, I'd be in the kitchen and she would be calling for me, I used to talk to her while I was in the kitchen or if I was leaving the room I used to hold her hand/rub her hand and just tell her I was popping into the kitchen for a minute and I would be back in a minute, this actually worked for me, my mum whose speach was terrible a year ago but now it has improved actually would said "ok" to me and the calling stopped. One thing I have learned from the board about dementia is that no one person with dementia is the same,so what works with one person won't necesaary work with someone else but I'm sure you will get good advice from others
Keep strong
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Thankful
Your reply brought me to tears. This talking is certainly helpful. To think that I almost didn't sign up.......
My MIL has begun leaning to the right and I looked up info about that and it seems not too unusual for Alzheimers. Tomorrow she might be sitting up again. It's a new challenge every day!!
I've looked up stages of this horrible disease and think she's in stage 6. It helps me to know because then maybe I'll have a better idea of what to expect. (or not)
Just living one day at a time.
Your reply brought me to tears. This talking is certainly helpful. To think that I almost didn't sign up.......
My MIL has begun leaning to the right and I looked up info about that and it seems not too unusual for Alzheimers. Tomorrow she might be sitting up again. It's a new challenge every day!!
I've looked up stages of this horrible disease and think she's in stage 6. It helps me to know because then maybe I'll have a better idea of what to expect. (or not)
Just living one day at a time.
Hello Regina
Is your mother in law mobile? Could she go into the room where you are working, so she can see you are still there, and she doesn`t need to shout. Or would a wheelchair help?
There are times when my husband will sit with the paper or television and let me get small jobs done. But there are other times he follows me and sits down to talk while I`m working. I think it`s a security thing. He has also told me he is lonely and has no-one to talk to.
And when he is particularly confused, his poor short term memory doesn`t enable him to know whether I`m at home or have slipped out. If I return to the living room he often asks where I`ve been. Perhaps when you leave the room your MIL is unable to work out where you are and becomes anxious.
My husband is a lot younger than your MIL and I suspect more mobile. It is very wearing to have the constant demands of your presence. If you can possibly find a way round it, it will make life a bit easier for you.
Is your mother in law mobile? Could she go into the room where you are working, so she can see you are still there, and she doesn`t need to shout. Or would a wheelchair help?
There are times when my husband will sit with the paper or television and let me get small jobs done. But there are other times he follows me and sits down to talk while I`m working. I think it`s a security thing. He has also told me he is lonely and has no-one to talk to.
And when he is particularly confused, his poor short term memory doesn`t enable him to know whether I`m at home or have slipped out. If I return to the living room he often asks where I`ve been. Perhaps when you leave the room your MIL is unable to work out where you are and becomes anxious.
My husband is a lot younger than your MIL and I suspect more mobile. It is very wearing to have the constant demands of your presence. If you can possibly find a way round it, it will make life a bit easier for you.
don't have one
My MIL has to be reminded to push with her legs to stand. She can use a walker but only for a short distance. We have her upstairs and the kitchen is downstairs, so it presents a problem. We tried to take her down the steps at Christmas and she was so afraid that she became dead weight and We (husband and I)had to set her on the steps and talk to her. She gives up and works herself into a "state" very quickly, because she's afraid she'll fall. As a result, I'm worried about taking her down the steps again.(this time alone)I just don't see it as a daily thing. I get so bored sitting in the room with her doing basically nothing but watching TV. I have tried to interest her in things and of course she's not.
I know our house is probably not ideal for someone with a handicap- because of the steps, but how can you plan for this? We've lived here for 31 years!! I've also heard comments the last few days about going home. She misses her house and I knew that would come up. I told her that no one was at her house to take care of her and that we wanted to and thought she would be safer with us. She nods but I think she may realize she isn't going back. It's so sad, but we have no choice.
My MIL has to be reminded to push with her legs to stand. She can use a walker but only for a short distance. We have her upstairs and the kitchen is downstairs, so it presents a problem. We tried to take her down the steps at Christmas and she was so afraid that she became dead weight and We (husband and I)had to set her on the steps and talk to her. She gives up and works herself into a "state" very quickly, because she's afraid she'll fall. As a result, I'm worried about taking her down the steps again.(this time alone)I just don't see it as a daily thing. I get so bored sitting in the room with her doing basically nothing but watching TV. I have tried to interest her in things and of course she's not.
I know our house is probably not ideal for someone with a handicap- because of the steps, but how can you plan for this? We've lived here for 31 years!! I've also heard comments the last few days about going home. She misses her house and I knew that would come up. I told her that no one was at her house to take care of her and that we wanted to and thought she would be safer with us. She nods but I think she may realize she isn't going back. It's so sad, but we have no choice.
Hello Regina
Having said that, it's not changed anything in practical terms, has it! Sorry.
But you've got one thing right - "Just living one day at a time" is how most of us manage; there's no other choice.
Best wishes
I don't know if this came up in your research, but 'going home' may not mean to her last residence. Sometimes it seems that a dementia sufferer is referring to the Home of their childhood, or at least a significant time back, when their world was a stable & less frightening place in which they were in control of things (or their parents were!) Now, it would seem that you are her security, and that's hard work, especially the constant repetition.Regina said:
Having said that, it's not changed anything in practical terms, has it! Sorry.
But you've got one thing right - "Just living one day at a time" is how most of us manage; there's no other choice.
Best wishes
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Hello Regina,
This all sounds very stressful for you. I am not going to be flavour of the month if I suggest a care home. You say it is so boring watching tv with her, but would she be better watching tv with a group of people who wanted to do the same?
Just a thought, and think about it.
Love
Margaret
This all sounds very stressful for you. I am not going to be flavour of the month if I suggest a care home. You say it is so boring watching tv with her, but would she be better watching tv with a group of people who wanted to do the same?
Just a thought, and think about it.
Love
Margaret
none
Hello,
Your suggestions are well taken and have touched me. I have heard that going home can mean any number of things including what you suggested.I don't know how to respond except to acknowlege it and smile. As for the placement in a home, I want to try to make things work here, with help. I haven't given up and I don't think she is unhappy. It's just me. I'm used to doing a lot more on my own without being constantly watched,
and am trying to adjust. The cost of putting her in a home here in the USA, for a person who is declining, is just rediculous and it gets worse as they get worse. As I mentioned before, she was in her own home with a caretaker for 2 years and the cost was eating away at the funds that may be needed later. Our cost was close to 85,000 dollars a year. In addition was food for her and the caretaker and cost of supplies for the house. It was more economical to bring her to our house. At the risk of being long winded, here's the short story.
The caretaker was 3 1/2 hours away and it was hard to moniter her. She wanted more money and threatened to quit on 2 occasions. The second time she threatened we picked my MIL up unannounced. The caretaker had a 13 yr. old and a 17yr (approx.) watching MIL. I told them both to leave after they told me the caretaker was at the grocery store. When she got there, she gave a different story, so I don't trust too many people to care for MIL. We also had things stolen, but we don't know who took these things because there were obviously others in the house. It was a learning experience that I warn people about. My MIL wasn't hurt, but it's just like hiring a babysitter for your kids. You never know. She was an experienced former nursing home worker and was recommended by the local pharmicist so we thought it was a good set up, but ..... The next door neighbor told us, (when we picked MIL up) that there was a lot of traffic in and out of the driveway. It makes you wonder, because,at the risk of sounding cynical,you just never know what people are capable of when someone is weak. So that's the reason behind a lot of this and I'm sure some of you have even worse stories, but now I can see what's going on and monitor everything more closely. I hope you keep giving advice because it helps.
Thanks to all of you. Regina ps-yesterday was a good day!!
Hello,
Your suggestions are well taken and have touched me. I have heard that going home can mean any number of things including what you suggested.I don't know how to respond except to acknowlege it and smile. As for the placement in a home, I want to try to make things work here, with help. I haven't given up and I don't think she is unhappy. It's just me. I'm used to doing a lot more on my own without being constantly watched,
and am trying to adjust. The cost of putting her in a home here in the USA, for a person who is declining, is just rediculous and it gets worse as they get worse. As I mentioned before, she was in her own home with a caretaker for 2 years and the cost was eating away at the funds that may be needed later. Our cost was close to 85,000 dollars a year. In addition was food for her and the caretaker and cost of supplies for the house. It was more economical to bring her to our house. At the risk of being long winded, here's the short story.
The caretaker was 3 1/2 hours away and it was hard to moniter her. She wanted more money and threatened to quit on 2 occasions. The second time she threatened we picked my MIL up unannounced. The caretaker had a 13 yr. old and a 17yr (approx.) watching MIL. I told them both to leave after they told me the caretaker was at the grocery store. When she got there, she gave a different story, so I don't trust too many people to care for MIL. We also had things stolen, but we don't know who took these things because there were obviously others in the house. It was a learning experience that I warn people about. My MIL wasn't hurt, but it's just like hiring a babysitter for your kids. You never know. She was an experienced former nursing home worker and was recommended by the local pharmicist so we thought it was a good set up, but ..... The next door neighbor told us, (when we picked MIL up) that there was a lot of traffic in and out of the driveway. It makes you wonder, because,at the risk of sounding cynical,you just never know what people are capable of when someone is weak. So that's the reason behind a lot of this and I'm sure some of you have even worse stories, but now I can see what's going on and monitor everything more closely. I hope you keep giving advice because it helps.
Thanks to all of you. Regina ps-yesterday was a good day!!