Family problems!

Barby

Registered User
May 5, 2008
21
0
My FIL is in a home an hour and a halfs drive away from us and as his second wife has just died we thought it would be best to look at moving him to be close to us or another member of the family.We enquired of the psych nurse who has his case and the staff at the home and they said that it would be ok.
Now my Brother-in-law and his wife who live at the other end of the country don't want him moved!
They only visit him about twice a year or when there is a crisis and as no-one will visit him now his wife has died we feel he is being abandoned. Unfortunately BIL and wife won't listen to reason and we have had to initate a meeting with the home and Psych nurse and doctors to decide on what will be the best interest for FIL.
My husband and myself, have visited every 2/3 weeks for years and dealt with all the crisis with no help at all from the other half of the family, so perhaps you can understand our feelings.
After all the care that we have taken it is now being taken out of our hands and is most upsetting
Thanks for reading this moan it just helps to vent the feelings:(:confused:
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
My first question would be who has power of attorney? Plus does it cover personal care?

Having a meeting with the home & nurse & doctors to get their professional opinion is a very good thing. If they think your FIL can be moved relatively easily at this point, that will be a major point in your argument. Do you think your BIL would attend that meeting? Perhaps your husband and BIL need to discuss this issue alone face to face, without spouses. I know that sounds a bit harsh towards you but it might help.

Hope you get things sorted out properly.
 

Barby

Registered User
May 5, 2008
21
0
Both the brothers have power of attorney also a step sister and they can act independently of each other. His care is paid for as he is section 3 and 117 but if he had to pay for his own care this would be possible too.
The medical people concerned have already said he can be moved and I am quite happy for the brothers to discuss this alone as this is the right thing to do , after all it is their father's welfare being discussed. the other spouse however is not so happy to keep quiet in this.
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
Perhaps the stepsister should be involved also? What's her opinion?

The other spouse will have to realize it's not her father. Certainly she can say what she wants to her husband but it's not up to her. Your husband will have to tell his brother he wants a "siblings only" meeting.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Hello Barby

After all the care that we have taken it is now being taken out of our hands and is most upsetting

Of course it is upsetting Barby but it doesn't sound like it is being taken out of your hands. It sounds like you have kept a firm grip on this matter and have instigated other professionals that may help in getting your FIL moved nearer to you. It has just occurred to me whether "nearer to you means further away from your BIL?". After professional input it is decided that it would not be detrimental to your FIL to move him, then your brother in law would have to come up with some convincing argument to keep FIL where he is deprived of regular contact with family now that his wife has died;) I suggest that you keep that firm grip and keep walking forward with it in the way that you are and let off steam on Talking Point as and when you need:)

Love and best wishes
 

JPG1

Account Closed
Jul 16, 2008
3,391
0
Hello, Barby

Sorry to read about the problems you’re having trying to sort out your FIL’s care.

What I am about to suggest may be exactly the meeting you say you have initiated. And if it is, then I wouldn’t be overly concerned, if I were you.

As I understand it, when major decisions are required to be made on behalf of someone who lacks the mental capacity to make such a major decision (as may be the case with your FIL), and if the family members (your husband and his brother, in the main, and also the step sister if she too has PoA) cannot come to an agreement over that decision, then the Mental Capacity Act may come to your assistance. If your FIL has expressed a preference, as to where he would have chosen to live when he had the capacity to make the decision for himself, then that should be taken into consideration as of prime importance. Does your FIL want to move? Has he the capacity to decide for himself? Only the Consultant can answer that question.

But circumstances change, and the decision he may have made then when he had the capacity to make it, may not now be in his best interests. (i.e. the care home where he is now and was, presumably, when his second wife was still alive and close by.)

Someone – the Consultant/doctors in charge of your FIL’s care, the Social Worker if there is one, the Psych Nurse, Care Home Manager and so on – should now convene what is called a “best interests” case conference or meeting. Then, you all sit round the table and put your views forward, giving your reasons why your FIL should live wherever you all would like him to live. Your BIL must be invited, and could then give his views, but he could also be asked why he only visits twice a year or when there is a crisis. Your husband would be able to describe your own frequent visits and the reasons why ….. etc. If the step-sister also has PoA, then she too should be invited to attend the meeting.

It should soon become clear which place of residence would be in the best interests of your FIL. It would be difficult to envisage anyone being able to argue that being abandoned would be in FIL's best interests.

But, what if there’s a stalemate still? A ‘decision maker’ may need to be nominated, and you may then be governed by that decision-maker’s decision.

I do not envy you this situation. Hope it all works out well for you.
 

Barby

Registered User
May 5, 2008
21
0
Thankyou Helen that helps us to think positively about the situation.:)
Moving FIL closer to us will mean he is further away from BIL (although he hasn't visited FIL often in the past) and if FIL is near us it means BIL and his family could overnight with us and we could even bring FIL back to the house for a meal on occasions.
Talking Point is certainly a great help and comfort
best wishes
Barby
 

Barby

Registered User
May 5, 2008
21
0
Hello JPG1
This is indeed the type of meeting that is being initiated.
Will only the 2 brothers attend this meeting as I feel it is better if the spouses are not involved?
The stepsister would not want to attend the meeting as she thinks it is better if the brothers make this decision.
BIL is suggesting that he will visit every other weekend, but we know from past experience that this won't happen.
thanks for the information
best wishes
Barby
 

JPG1

Account Closed
Jul 16, 2008
3,391
0
Hi, Barby

My own personal feeling is that if the stepsister has PoA, then she perhaps should write a letter to say that she does not wish to attend, but wishes to leave the decision to the brothers. Otherwise there could be some doubt in the future as to whether she had ever been informed about it taking place. Better safe than sorry.

The spouses should be irrelevant, as far as the best interests meeting goes, because they are not directly related. Involved maybe, but not directly related by blood to the person at the heart of the meeting. Alternative is that they attend, but 'sit quietly', if that is possible!

I’ve just read your suggestion that BIL and his family could always overnight with you and your family, when visiting. Brilliant idea, which can only go in favour of the move closer to you. It might also ease any ‘ruffled feathers’ and help restore brotherly love! As long as you could handle it every other weekend, that is.