Dad is Content but Confused

[davide]

My dad is 85 and has mild Alzheimer's, and for this and some physical health reasons he could not continue living at home last year. I had to move him into a care home in September - this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It is a lovely home, and since he has been there (apart from the first day) he has been content and settled. I have been to see him regularly and he has always been cheerful and pleased to see me. But, he does not really understand that he is in a care home - he thinks he is still "at home".

In a way this is what keeps him settled, but I feel sad that he is confused about his environment, and I feel guilty if I do not correct him - that I am being complicit in his confusion. But I do not feel it would help if I say "No, you are in a care home" - this might only distress him, and he would probably have forgotten it in half an hour anyway.

Although he is being well cared for and is safe, I feel so guilty about leaving him there. I feel I should have found a way for him to stay at home or to come and live with me, although everyone tells me this is unrealistic. It cuts me up, even though he has been there four months I can't stop thinking about it every day.

 

[roundy]

hello.
We know all about that guilt business! But wouldn't it be more worring if we didn't feel it!

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Davide

I feel so guilty about leaving him there.

You say your dad is happy.

Do not let your guilt spoil his happiness, I mean this with the greatest kindness and love XX
Barb XX & Ron ZZZZ

 

[christine scott]

Hi
I just want to say my mum went into a care home last july she was 81 then now 82. she was 8 weeks in hospital first as got so confused she could not stay at home on her own. We found her a lovely home and she also could not understand why she was there we excplained and repeated ourself , she blamed us then she refused to eat for 3 months losing so much weight . We felt all the guilt . I didnt think she would make christmas. then suddenly she just settled started to eat and is fine now. It takes time but they do eventually start to feel settled.

My mum didnt like to hear the word care home either. But now she is happy to sit and have everything done for her. Of course she still wants to go home but home is not on her own its away back to when life was at her happiest . we asked her again today if shed want a tv in her room she said oh no I dont want to sit on my own I like it here with my friends. Never thought id hear her say that.

It did take a good 7 months to settle. so stick in there and time will sort itself out. Being guilty just makes you more miserable your dad is safe and in the best place.

christine scott

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Davide

It is not a care home, it is home.

Not usually so brief from me!

Margaret

 

[Helen33]

Dear Davide

Dad is Content but Confused

For some people the guilty feelings stay around but one has to find a way of 'living' with them. It is unacceptable to have to go through life with these feelings churning and dominating all other feelings so we have to find a way of living with them so that we are more comfortable with them.

One way of looking at the above statement is that your dad is content and he will be confused because he has Alzheimers and part of this disease is confusion. It is most likely that he would be confused if he'd stayed in his own home but it might have expressed itself in other ways.

Love and best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Davide

Rejoice that your dad is content.
It is rare to find contented dementia sufferers, so many are troubled, anxious and agitated.
Content is wonderful.
Confused is part and parcel of the condition.
You have done so well to find a home for your father where you can see he is contented.
Well done.

 

[sheilasmum]

Dear Davide

I would certainly agree - content is good. Although before she was diagnosed she could be quite argumentative but at that time I was not really aware of how it affected her. We have learned a lot in the past six months and one of them is not to give her the opportunity to disagree. Just keep the conversation to her liking. She is, however, completely obsessed with things being exactly where they should be but she moves photos from place to place. Everything in cupboards has to be in a line even contents of drawers. I am now using this obsession to my advantage by mixing things up knowing that she will spend time fixing them back. Since joining the forum when I thought I had problems I consider myself very fortunate when I read some of the other posts.

 

[davide]

Thanks for the responses guys.

Another complication is this. Before he went in he was living with a lady friend, Joan (not her real name).

Since going into the care home he thinks he is still at her house, and would regularly ask "Where is Joan, is she upstairs?" etc. and I had to just say "she is out, she will be back soon" etc.

Recently a new lady, Helen, has moved into the room next door. My dad has made friends with her but I think he really thinks she is Joan, and now follows her around and spends all his time with her. She is happy with this and enjoys his company.

I am pleased he has got company but I am sorry he is confused about who is who. And it makes things more difficult when the "real" Joan (who is fully in possession of her faculties) visits, as I think she feels that her place has been taken by Helen.

Is this sort of thing common and any advice on how to deal with it? The care home have asked me if I am happy with this or if they should be separated, but so far I have said let it carry on as it is.

 

[Helen33]

Hello Davide

I think the real Joan will need to understand that this can be another very upsetting part of the disease. Often people use Talking Point to express how upsetting and hurtful it is when their husband/wife/mother/father doesn't recognise them and when they seem to prefer someone else It would seem very cruel to split him from Helen and if they were split up it wouldn't mean that he would necessarily recognise Joan in the same way as he used to.

My husband knows that I am a familiar figure but he is beginning to lose sight of the fact that I'm his wife. He cannot say my name and often refers to me as "mother"

Love

 

[TinaT]

I am so gladto read that your dad is settled and happy. He is the person living there, not you, nor his former girlfriend. If he is not upsetting anyone, does it really matter if he thinks his new lady companion is someone else. I'm sure his old lady companion gets pangs of jealousy but she can deal with these feelings. She has the outside world to distract and amuse her. Your dad's world is very small.

The most important thing is your dad's happiness and well being where he is. If his confusion keeps him in a world which is safe and comfortable for him then it doesn't matter what our feelings are.

I have problems with telling Ken my husband where he is. I cannot bring myself to admit even to myself that he is in a 'care home'. I tell him he is in a convalescent home. So far he has accepted this and I will continue with this deception for as long as it is needed.

When Ken first went into his EMI Home he followed a lady around constantly because she looked like me. Sadly she lives in a world within her head and sees no one around her so Ken's fixation on her soon waned. At the time I felt a peculiar mixture of relief that he had some solace, even if it was because someone looked like me, and I have to admit, also a feeling of jealousy.

xxTinaT

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Tina

At the time I felt a peculiar mixture of relief that he had some solace, even if it was because someone looked like me, and I have to admit, also a feeling of jealousy.

God, you are honest.

I would feel the same X
Barb XX