I Cannot See A Tomorrow

[JPG1]

This may not be the kind of thread-starting point that would be deemed desirable at this particular time in any one year, but at the moment ....

... I cannot even begin to see a tomorrow.

I cannot envisage a tomorrow.

All thanks to the devastating impact of dementia on my life and in turn on our life.

And I am well aware that many of you may not wish to contribute to such a thread, for whatever reasons, but I cannot see a tomorrow for me.

Good wishes to all of you who may choose to read this.
.

 

[Helen33]

Dear JPG1

but I cannot see a tomorrow for me.

Is this because tomorrow is Christmas? I know you mention it is because of the impact of dementia but I wondered whether anything particular had happened to cause you to feel so depressed?

I do admit to feeling unable to see a tomorrow sometimes especially when a change in Alan is occurring and I cannot face what it will mean. However, with the help of TPers (including you) I have picked myself up, dusted myself down and carried on walking the walk.

With love and best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

I don`t think about tomorrow. I just try to get through today.

This is not me being facetious or unsympathetic. I have never been one to look to the future, whereas my husband wasted his life planning, planning , planning for the future and now look where he is.

 

[JPG1]

My tomorrow is nothing to do with Christmas.

My today is all to do with my yesterdays. Because without my yesterdays, I wouldn't be here, would I?

What is the point of yesterday without today and without the hope of a tomorrow?

Only to do with the fact that dementia has destroyed 3 people in my life, SO FAR, and there was never any support coming my way. Never ever ever.

There is no longer a walk for me to walk. The board-walks have all been removed. All scraped away and scrapped.

There is no longer a walk to walk. Unless I walk it alone. All by myself.

Because dementia has destroyed so far 3 VIPs, without whom I cannot see a tomorrow.

Simple as that. Nothing to do with Christmas.

 

[Helen33]

Dear JPG1

Thank you for letting me know that it isn't about Christmas. I am so sorry that you have lost sight of a future. I posted only a couple of weeks ago that I was worried about what the future held - whether I would ever really laugh again and whether I would ever have holidays without all the worries. I don't know what the future holds but somehow I found "hope". My hope for you is that you will come through this and begin to hope again. Obviously I don't know you but I can't imagine why you would have to walk through life alone. Would you consider speaking to someone about your loss and grief?

Love

 

[Margaret W]

Sylvia, your husband probably enjoyed planning, so he was not wasting his time.

JPG1, you are clearly feeling overwhelmed with everything. There IS a tomorrow and a future and it will include you. Somehow you have to gain the strength to face it, and it will not all be bad. You will find, given time, that the bad times will subside and the future will improve. Tell yourself that. Seek help if you need it, we all need help at these times. Dealing with everything alone (I know the feeling of that) is no fun, and you need support. Go for it. Try your local Alzheimers Society, they are usually great. Or speak to your GP. At least talk to us on this "Talking Point", unburden yourself, tell us how you feel, waffle, rage, rant or cry. It doesn't matter to us which you do, there will be somebody here to listen to you and offer support.

We have all been where you are. We understand. Let us help.

Love

Margaret

 

[Margarita]

What is the point of yesterday without today and without the hope of a tomorrow?

Hope for tomorrow, Hope for what?

No point in yesterday no point in tomorrow , does life really have to a point to it ?

When traumatic events happen to one in one life, it can make one wonder what the purpose of one life.
So seeing I want to still live on this earth, no matter what life throw at me. I live day to day, go with the flow.

life is what you make it , You are the creator of your own reality. It’s your choice how you perceive yesterday, tomorrow and today .

That one thing living with dementia has teach me .

 

[Grannie G]

Margarita, I absolutely agree with you.

No point in yesterday no point in tomorrow , does life really have to a point to it ?

life is what you make it , You are the creator of your own reality

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh yes. Multiple thumbs up for Maggie.

Now all I have to do is put it into practice. Live in the moment - that's what my therapist tells me and while I fall of the wagon sometimes, it's really the only way to survive.

 

[twinone]

Dear JPG

Sorry to hear how bad you are feeling, as suggested by others maybe some type of councelling is a good idea.

I have felt like you do now, but slowly you begin to realise that you do want to have a life, I still do one day at a time.

Last christmas I cant even remember, it was too soon after losing Steve. This year it has really affected me. But I have to think its not what he would want for me, being so sad all the time. I have made the effort to see friends and to go out from time to time and even though it is not the future I wanted, with the help of family and friends each day gets a little easier.

I know you dont feel like this now but keep trying and sometimes you can see a little hope.

I am going to my sisters for the day, along with my son, niece and nephew and their family's so I will make an effort for them and get through the day somehow. Would rather stay in bed at the moment as I am full of a cold.

Keep posting, you are not alone in this awful journey, some like me are grieving loved ones and others are coping day to day and just trying to get through the day. I know it has helped me writing my feelings down sometimes, people on TP understand, we are all suffering because of AZ. I do hope you decide to get some help for you.

Happy christmas to everyone on TP, hope you all have a peaceful day.

Love
Janet

 

[foxhound]

JGP1

I understand - here's my very individual take on getting through this.

I am going through a time of grieivng for my beloved dog so intense that I would not have thought it possible (and I have lost a fair number of other animals plus beloved father by now).

But remember - those we have lost or are losing to disease are those who have helped make us the people we are. That means focusing on the memories from the good times - by their love they gave us a reserve tank of strength which we can draw on. I also believe that there is an afterlife and that after working through our time on earth we will be re-united in happiness.


That working through can be very hard to do. But so often better times come when we least expect them (just as the grim ones do too). Let the sadness come, but strengthen yourself with the good memories and keep plugging on.

Lastly, go buy yourself a treat - I don't know - anything - a magazine - a Ferrari (yeah,like) - an ice cream! I HATE shopping, but just occasionally retail therapy can help!

 

[Skye]

Can I recommend

What's it All About?: Philosophy and the Meaning of Life
by Julian Baggini

It's out of stock on Amazon, but the reviews are interesting:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-All-A...=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1230196974&sr=1-4

You may be able to borrow it from your library. It's an interesting and easy read.

 

[hazytron]

Wishing everyone Peace for Christmas.
I have been reading all replies to this thread with much interest.
I have predicted for a few weeks that Mum was going to be at her most difficult over the Christmas period and I was not wrong.
She has refused to cross the road to join us today, is not answering her telephone and has been generally at her most abusive to me at any opportunity she has had.
I believe she is desperately depressed because she has been unable, in fact incapable of doing Christmas as in years gone by.Over the months of viewing TP I am gradually changing my reactions to all the difficulties that this horrible disease presents.
Today I can sink or swim.
I have chosen to have a free and easy day and to take whatever comes my way, good or bad. I will cook something nice as and when I feel like it, my wonderful partner Nick is in full support of my plan for the day. I am waiting to hear from my younger son Jack who I hope will join us later for the dish of the day. My elder son Leonard will be coming tomorrow which I am looking forward to lots.
All in all today is just another day and tomorrow is yet another.
I could be sitting in buckets of tears right now as I have often done in the past and no doubt will in the future but for now and on this supposedly special day I will not be beaten by this hellish disease.
Thanks for taking the time to read my posting and best wishes to tou all.
Hazel

 

[Norman]

Well said Margaret.
I have lost the dearest thing in my life,but I continue to abide by my "day by day".
I am not alone I have lots of support from family and friends some made on TP.
There is a tomorrow,what it will bring I know not.
I am lonely but not alone,if that makes sense.
I feel that I am in limbo,but I try to fill my days by being some use and support to others.
Things are not getting better for me but they are becoming different.
Norman

 

[JPG1]

Yesterday - today - tomorrow

Not hope for tomorrow, Margarita, just hope of a tomorrow. Different.

If we are all the ‘creator of our own reality’ then why is the reality of many of us on TP so absolutely effing awful?

For the simple reason that others have intervened in our past to create such an almighty effing awful chaos in the world of dementia And have also intervened in whatever we may have wished - and still wish - to ‘create for our own reality, and for our own tomorrow’. For the present and future of those with dementia, into whose lives others intervene. Creating often maximum chaos all round, not just for them, but for those of us who care about them.

We are not in control of our own reality, nor in control of our own tomorrow, especially if we have to rely on ‘services’ provided by ‘experts’. Ok, great for all those who have great services being provided by great experts, but for those of us not in that comfortable position, then our reality is totally different. And beyond our immediate control.

So, what do those ‘in control of their own reality’ and the ‘creators of their own reality’ do when things go totally pear shaped? Which they may not have done for you yet, but they may do in the future. What are we to do? Sit back, and say well, it’s all down to us because we were the creators of our own reality? No! No way.

Twinone, you are further forward into the future of your own experience than I am, dealing with the **** of recent months. So thanks for your own personal optimism, although I don’t have a son/daughter alive and able to help, nor a niece or nephew, so my apologies for my feelings of unseasonal doom and gloom.

Nor can I grieve for my departed dogs/cats/animals/pets.

Nor am I sitting in buckets of tears, (almost typed spitting there!), on this ‘supposedly special’ day (too right, hazytron, supposedly).

Nor am I beaten by dementia … yet.

But dementia can still take my breath away, on any given day.

If only amazon.co.uk held the secret – you can read many ‘meaning of life’ books, and having read a good fair number of them, then I can only suggest that there is no magic secret held by amazon.co.uk. Nor by any so-called philosopher … yet. Perhaps s/he may emerge, at some point in our “tomorrow”, but so far … no sign of him/her. Unless, of course, you know better.

We all live our own ‘reality’ and make out our own ‘meaning of life’. It is guaranteed to be different from ‘yours’; whether or not you have buddies knocking on your door day in, day out – many are not in that cosy situation; for those who are comforted by the odd half-hour great, so be it, but others may need more.

The reality is different for each and every one of us.

As may also be our own perception of our own tomorrow. Or the lack of that perception on any given day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Kayla]

Hope for tomorrow

I think that Dementia distorts reality for the carers, as well as the person suffering from dementia. As an only child, I felt devastated when my Mum didn't recognise me or when she was very distressed and totally confused. Sometimes she thought it was still the Second World War or she was still only a teenager.

My Mum died suddenly and unexpected last year and it has really taken me a long time to come to terms with the situation. This is the second Christmas without her and we are remembering the good times we had together, before she became ill. There were far more good times than bad times, but when you are stuck in the middle of a bad time, it seems to last forever.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Things will eventually improve and there are positives hidden amongst the negatives. My daughter's wedding in July has been a new beginning for us as a family and hopefully in the future there will be another generation.

It is terrible to feel so negative and depressed that there seems to be no way to escape the situation. The Samaritans can be contacted at any time and are willing to listen to people in need of a sympathetic ear.

I do hope that you will be able to find something to look forward to and everything will seem better soon.

Kayla

 

[citybythesea]

Go outside and scream so loud......

I think perhaps JPG1 that you are right in a sense. You are based in the now and reality of this disease for your loved one as the carer. In a sense you do not have the control that you crave of life and yes the disease is so vicious it really needs to be erradicated.(Someday ) But what you do not realize is that you live this life because you have something deep inside you that many people now days do not have......they are called love and compassion. Without these 2 emotions you would have walked away and never looked back. Even being taught what is right by parents.....most will find a way to walk away. That is the nature of man....we justify what might be wrong to be right so we can live our lives the way we want.

So you see...in a sesnse you are the creator of your own destiny...but because you are loving and compassionate. These days will be hard...I'm not going to lie. It is hard. It is a rollercoaster and sometimes it feels like it is just at that point of no return. But you are strong and with a little venting yoiu will get thru...keep typing here on TP. You will get many reactions and sometimes nothing...just people listening (reading). I tell people these days that have loved ones at home sick that have a bit of religion in them to go find "footprints" and read it. I do believe that for every bad deed you weather you become stronger.

For me watching mom go downhill was hard. I knew a year ahead of time that mom would not make the year. (Don't ask me how, I just knew from watching her go downhill.) That sort of helped me....but Christmas was so hard. She loved the lights and was in her prime decorating a tree with grandkids and when this could no longer happen it was hard. We lost a Christmas to another day that year...not just me, but Jack and my daughter. By Easter I could not see a tomorrow if I thought about life. I lived for the moment. I sought out 650 calories at a meal....sharing a donut with me....taking a few sips of water....one little word, even if it was no. I kept a diary of all this so I could look back and see a "victory" not for the disease but that life had won out one more day in it's own strange way. I had to look at life with mom as if I was caring for a baby....it was hard....it will be all the way to that last moment.

So you see...go outside scream as loud as you can....let that energy roam....and if someone comes (yes, I had to explain to the police what was going on in my house and it was embarressing but he was so understanding and offered a few words of advice...don't do it at night...middle of the day when most people are at work.)
Just explain away what is going on. Scream therapy can be helpful and very freeing.....if not type away in capital letters. Sometimes that works too.

I'm sorry I rambled on for so long. JPG1 I wish you happier days.



HUGS

Nancy

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Nancy

So you see...go outside scream as loud as you can....let that energy roam..

I so agree with that

Barb XX

 

[Sandye]

JPG, I have few words of wisdom for you that haven't already been posted, only understanding and compassion for what you are going through.

Please keep venting on here and I'm also for the idea of going outside and screaming. That is what I wanted to do so badly after my Mother died (not of dementia, tho) several years ago. I think if I had actually done it, it would have helped. (((Hugs)))

Sandye

 

[Marianne]

For the simple reason that others have intervened in our past to create such an almighty effing awful chaos in the world of dementia And have also intervened in whatever we may have wished - and still wish - to ‘create for our own reality, and for our own tomorrow’. For the present and future of those with dementia, into whose lives others intervene. Creating often maximum chaos all round, not just for them, but for those of us who care about them.

We are not in control of our own reality, nor in control of our own tomorrow, especially if we have to rely on ‘services’ provided by ‘experts’. Ok, great for all those who have great services being provided by great experts, but for those of us not in that comfortable position, then our reality is totally different. And beyond our immediate control.

So, what do those ‘in control of their own reality’ and the ‘creators of their own reality’ do when things go totally pear shaped? Which they may not have done for you yet, but they may do in the future. What are we to do? Sit back, and say well, it’s all down to us because we were the creators of our own reality? No! No way.

JPG1 I expected great services for my dad when he was struck down so suddenly with Vascular Dementia. I believed everything the 'experts' were telling me, believing they knew best as you would.

I believed he had to pay for his own care at a cost of £2000.00 per month and receive 60p per day food allowance, to allow the owners of these care homes to become even richer fat pigs.

I believed everyone wanted what was best for my dad, but that was a load of bunkum, tripe call it what you will. The truth of the matter as far as my dad was concerned was his daughter running around frantically trying to find a home that would give him the care he was paying for and who would agree not to bash him or neglect him. He went into 3 homes, 3 star Excellent rated homes and was bashed, neglected, abused physically, mentally, and medically.

Then he died, and then his daughter was left with the grief, guilt feelings for several months and then anger. Anger has got me through, doesn't that sound terrible, but after he died I found the "care home manager" had been feeding him serious drugs not prescribed for him.

Then the 'experts' got together and said that being as my dad was dead no further harm could come to him. What disgusting creatures these 'experts' are. Furthermore they decided to employ a policeman to visit me and intimidate me and frighten me off, it nearly worked.

I am back fighting fit, a pain in the backside to the Authorities who took it upon themselves to protect the manager of the home and are now wishing they hadn't, I think the truth will shine through and the 'experts' will hopefully learn something from the exercise unfortunately at the expense of my dad.

So JPG if you have suffered at the hands of these 'experts' then come out fighting, please don't get 'down' get even.

Best wishes