bath needed

[sumosumo]

I haven't been on the Forum for a while but tonight's carry on has led me back.

Previous threads will show you my difficult domestic situation, ie, auntie, mum and uncle. Due to an unexpected death in the family my mother has to attend a funeral next week and should have a bath to go there. That's my opinion and the uncles. Not bathed or washed for FOUR YEARS.

Sisters agreed (reluctantly) to meet me tonight at 6pm to attempt the task. I had everything ready; the immersion heater on, the towels, clean bedclothes etc. Sisters both came up with excuses (as usual) and didn't turn up. (They don't have families; I have two boys to attend to). So the feelings of annoyance and resentment step in.

Anyway, the bath didn't happen. Mum said "I have a bath every night". She doesn't of course and then she started calling me a "liar", "bossy", "think you are so perfect", etc, etc. She said she would "go off and kill herself and then I wouldn't have to worry". Shouting and bawling and not being able to stick to one task at once in the freezing house that has no heating at all. (She can't remember to switch the heating on). All this was happening whilst trying to jump over cat muck all over the kitchen floor. (Mum spends no waking time in her own house; just sleeps there).

Anyway, needless to say, the bath just did not happen and she is still foul smelling. Previously I have been onto SS who say "these things take time; you could just start with wipes"! I couldn't believe it actually when they said that. I just don't think that is acceptable. They are flippin useless.

I am at my wits end and really don't know how to carry on.

What strategy do I employ? I wish this would stop.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

When my mother went through her incredibly smelly phase (she was rancid - I could smell her from 5 feet away), I used to say "Do you want a bath or a shower?" You could try "A regular bath or a sponge bath" if you haven't got a shower in place. I'll confess that it didn't always work with my mother but it did a few times.

I found that stage the most challenging, as my mother was very aggressive about bathing.

my mother has to attend a funeral next week and should have a bath to go there.

This sounds horrible but can you try 1) "We're going to the funeral now & I've just had my bath & now it's your turn." Whether you're going now or next week doesn't really matter - just getting her in the bath is the goal.

I would suggest "Bath or no going to the funeral" but I very much doubt that would work.

 

[RogerG]

Hi
My wife has not had a bath or shower for over a month, she just cannot manage getting in, but I give her a thorough wash down with hot soapy flannels each morning. This does the trick and we make it into a bit of a game. It works and I follow it with a little spray of perfume. I have not tackled her hair yet I must work on a stratergy. Our day centre will do it. Ask SS.
Good luck!
RogerG

 

[jenniferpa]

Previously I have been onto SS who say "these things take time; you could just start with wipes"! I couldn't believe it actually when they said that. I just don't think that is acceptable. They are flippin useless.

I am at my wits end and really don't know how to carry on.

What strategy do I employ? I wish this would stop.

While I understand where you're coming from, I'm not sure what else they could suggest. It's not as if they could come and forcibly bathe her, no matter how much she needs it. What they could have done is provide you with someone to assist you - sometimes people will take direction from "professionals" if not their nearest and dearest.

I'm wondering - would she be more or less likely to do the bathing somewhere else (like your house, or your aunt and uncles)?

The other point is - does she really have to go to the funeral? Call me a coward but I think I might be inclined to give that a miss if the bath didn't happen.

 

[katieberesford]

Hi - I've had the bathing problem for several months now. Hubby can get very aggressive if you try and push the situation. I ask him each night if he would like a shower if he says no I don't push it but if he says yes I swiftly give him half a Lorazepam tablet and get on with the task! I must admit the Lorazepam tablet takes the edge off his anxiety and aggressiveness. Not an easy stage this one.

Katie x

 

[Margarita]

but I give her a thorough wash down with hot soapy flannels each morning.

My mother at that stage now for the last year . only because when we moved we did not have a walk in shower. My mother use to use the bath lift chair , but got to scared .

But when it all started 3 years ago and mum started to smell really bad , that she got to the stage of getting very smelly red raw under her breast , from not washing under her breast .

I had to calmly diplomatically say to mum, that there a funny smell on you, would you mind showing me how you wash yourself? Will mum of course take offence, but I said please as everyone moaning about the smell on you, we can do it in the sink.

I stood back mum took all her top clothes of, mum got the flannel started to show me , then mum lifted her breast , poor mum was red raw under her breasts & the smell was horrible, so I said you hold your breast up while I wipe it, mum shouted in pain. So I told her I would help her clear it up every day, get some cream. With the lower part of her body I said the same please show me how you are washing yourself , mum did it OK , I new she had , had a wash down .


We went from there. I did find my mother was very scared to get in the bath, because she would get very confused in how to get out of the bath, mum got stuck in the bath a few times. My son had to help me get mum out, another time I could not get mum out, nearly called 999. But somehow I got her out.
After that I got the OT to do an assessment on mum, she order a walk in shower unit. Out went the bath in went the walk in shower.

 

[Trying my best]

The other point is - does she really have to go to the funeral? Call me a coward but I think I might be inclined to give that a miss if the bath didn't happen.

I have to say that I agree with Jennifer on this. Although it may have been appropriate for your mum to attend a loved one's funeral in the past, it sounds like her doing so would be so traumatic for her, you, and anyone else there who may be affected that it might be best just to go and represent her there by yourself.

On the bathing issue, although it can be extremely difficult at times, i find that convincing my mum that she's having a 'pampering session' rather than a 'much needed wash' can be really helpful. I try to set the scene as though she's in some sort of spa, with fluffy, warm towels at the ready, music on in the next room so she can hear it. her favourite (old fashionned) soaps, and a warm dressing gown for afterwards. You may also find that a bathboard helps if she feels nervous about actually sitting in the water.

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Sumosumo

I would take your mum anyway. A bit of pong won't do any harm to anyone, and if she feels she needs to be there that is more important. If anyone complains, tell the truth, she is scared of bathing and washing, and would they like to suggest a solution.

Our parents (well, mine at least) weren't brought up to daily showers and baths. The tin bath was brought out once a month. Everyone shared the same water. They didn't die from it. Obviously 4 years is a long time, and I'm surprised your mum isn't sore in places, particularly under the breasts as Maggie has suggested. E45 cream is good for that, cooling and soothing and protective of sweat. Cheap at the chemist.

But a lot of the body cleans itself. I am told that hair does. So don't worry about that. If she doesn't have any urinary or vaginal problems, a clean pair of pants will be fine. Everybody is different regarding under-arms, a quick squirt of deodorant will word wonders, or don't bother.

If mum needs to go the funeral, then take her. Let those who know nothing about the problems of dealing with a dementia patient say their bit, and ignore it. Don't be ashamed or embarassed, you have done your best - AS WE ALL DO!

Hope it turns out okay.

Margaret

 

[sumosumo]

bath

Thanks all for your input. Unfortunately she has to go to the funeral. The two relatives she sits with during her waking hours 24/7 (her sister; also with advance dementia and blind and her brother in law) are going so she has to too. She can't be left alone.

Thanks Margaret for suggesting I ask for professional help wit the bath. I have just done a letter now to SS asking for assistance. Copied letter to GP. Been up since 5.20am trying to work out way forward so we'll wait and see. Obviously there will be no bath by tomorrow. I am going to see the bereaved this morning so I'll warn them of the stench on it's way!

I have been told to look out for the rawness under the breast. Mum has breast cancer too and is quite small there so I don't believe that will be a problem. There are other areas of the body I am rather worried about though:-( Hopefully, the thought is worse. GOD I HATE THIS ILLNESS.

Thanks all. I hope you have a good day. I'll let you know how the funeral goes. Very sad; car fatality.

S

 

[sumosumo]

sorry

JenniferPa; it was you that suggested asking for assistance. I got names muddled up (should be asleep and not on here). Thanks for your great advice. As stated, I have done letter ready to go today asking for that assistance. x

 

[DianeB]

I know this sounds well ....weird, but my Mum started to fear getting in the bath, so it became wash downs. When Mum was in hospital I took advantage and used their shower. In fact we both undressed and I got in the shower with her to give her the confidence, that way I could ensure she was washed proper and we made a joke out of it. Is there a shower you could try Mum in even if it means you get in the shower with her?
At one stage when Mum was still at home I rang SS to ask for help with Mum in the bath and they told me they didn't have bathing nurses anymore, it was too much of a safety risk for the nurses backs which I can understand, but it does not help us in the situation.

 

[sumosumo]

bath

Thanks so much for that. Doesn't sound positive about the help situation from what you say. I'll let you know what the response is.

I have signed the petition; thanks for pointing that worthy cause out.

x