Help with getting help

[caring4parents]

Hi,

Yes, my first posting. Hope it doesn't show too much.

I am the only child of 80 year old parents who both have mounting problems with daily living at home. They are both very forgetful and confuse easily. I have arranged Mental Health Unit screening and CT scans etc for them both. No results as yet but suspect that one has AD(mum) and the other Vascular dementia(dad).

Dad is easier to deal with as he just lets me get on with whatever I think best and falls asleep in his chair.

Mum is rejecting any outside help. She gets very agitated when I clean and take the washing away. I am pretty sure she has stopped going out at all although she will shop with me, when she clings to my arm as if frightened by the experience ( of the trip, not of me! ). She claims to cope but things just don't get done. She thinks she cares for my dad but beyond simple meal preparation little is done. Finding him in soiled clothes or the rubbish bin overflowing with sweet and crisp packets bears out my fears.

They do however have a morning visit each day from a District Nurse who makes sure that medication is taken. No specific dementia or AD drugs are used - need the Mental Health test results back first.

Do I get a Social Services person to come and check their care needs and put a package in place ? How can they go through the process when she is so against it ? Each time I mention that I think some help would be good she is very defensive. She claims to know that she is doing fine and will call for help when required. I think it is now beyond that stage.

My dad on his own wouldn't be a problem. Would it be good to get Social Services to just provide some care for him as a first step ? I suspect mum would be just as against this.

Suggestions gratefully received. Denting mum's pride short term may be the best bet in the long term. They both would prefer to stay at home as long as possible.

xxxx
B.

 

[HelenMG]

Hi B.
Welcome to the forum. It is a great source of help and advice. We had this problem, but with dad only (mum passed away before he developed dementia). He didn't want any help but was clearly in need of it. We managed to convince him that the lady who called was helping us, as we were at work all day. We were paying for her to come initially though now he does (sadly unknowingly, as we have access to his pension "to pay the bills" as he would never agree). But he was ok with J and got used to her and is very fond of her now. The sooner you get someone (to do the "ironing and washing" maybe) whom your Mum gets on with the easier it will be for her to slip into accepting her there every day for whatever reason.
Good luck.
Love
Helen

 

[Margarita]

Suggestions gratefully received Denting mum's pride short term may be the best bet in the long term

Trying to sound diplomatic keeping your mother pride how about saying.

As your both in the prime of your life, it would be nice to see you take time out relax from all the cleaning ,washing treat yourself to a cleaner, someone to pick up the laundry every week or the cleaner will do it all for you . The services our out there we just have to ask for it. What do you think?
Now if you mother still says no ... you can’t force your mother to take up the services.
Well you could, but your mother or father has to open the door to them. it all can became very frustrated for you both and your both just end up arguing .

Or do you live with your parents ?

 

[Margaret W]

Hi B

At the risk of calling in the wrath of all good people out there, perhaps you have to get used to things slipping a bit. You say your dad is in soiled clothes. What do you mean by "soiled"? My inlaws went that way after years of being pristine, and neither of them had any sort of dementia, they just got fed up of being pristine. Dad wore the same cardigan for 6 months, it had a few tomato sauce stains on it, but it didn't do him any harm. I'd describe that as "grubby" rather than soiled, which implies much worse. Yes it bugged me at the time, I've become rather more relaxed since then. Mum always wore a pinny, filthy to my mind and I wondered what the point of it was, but it didn't do her any harm either.

But perhaps I am wrong.

The three things to make sure are clean are the kitchen worktops, the toilet/sink and the telephone. Obviously crockery and cutlery too. Nobody suffers from dust on the book-case, or grime on the window sill. Or the carpets not being hoovered (you don't worry about sitting on a wall in the park as to whether the wall has been hoovered or not).

Ironing. Why do we iron? I might be called a slut but I only iron the fronts and cuffs of shirts/blouses if I know they are covered up by a jacket. I have friends who iron knickers!!!!

Washing - important items are bedding, towels and teatowels. I remember my mum getting worked up cos her "Spring" curtains needed washing. I persuaded her to leave the "Winter" curtains up instead. Neither she nor I were able to stand on a stool to change them (dad had always done it), so I had no choice but to leave up the winter curtains.

Sorry, not helpful I am sure. Just hoping you can prioritise things for the care assistant.

Margaret

 

[pebble]

Just a word or two of encouragement. My Mum was very against outside help but in great need of it. My risky strategy was to stop trying to persuade or suggest help. I just got it started. meals on wheels were quickly followed by mealtime carers. Mum didn't say much about them at first but now she likes the girls (mostly). Mum is quite confused and doesn't realise how often they come. it is all very "normal" now that girls call and I am counting my blessings.