Driving causing upset

[Cariad 42]

I have been reading the conversations for many months, but rarely added anything. I am learning from you all, so firstly, thank you.
My particular worry tonight is that I have handled and continue to handle the issue of my husband's driving badly. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost two years ago. He had his licence renewed last June (for one year)though he wasn't seen by anyone. Around that time he stopped night time driving and driving in poor conditions; this was because of a bad journey one night. A little while later I said he shouldn't drive any longer. This was based not so much on his driving but on the way I see him struggle to do things around the house and elsewhere. My logic is that if he gets confused around the house and in new surroundings then the risk of him driving is too great. Unfortunately it has caused a number of heated moments and rows. We have discussed him doing the drivers assessment; sometimes he wants to and other times he's not bothered. At the moment he wants to do it and I've just completed the form for him - just before he went to bed in a sulk.
Today we've argued and he's accused me of being cruel, which I find very upsetting. I understand his hurt at losing his independence but I am looking after his interests.
Tonight I'm worrying that my risk averse nature has meant I've stepped in too quickly with this.
I don't know how to handle it in a loving way. I've looked at it as black and white, when perhaps there was a shade of grey somewhere along the line. I'm inclined to press on with the driving assessment and trust the system, but he's mad with me.
I appreciate this has been discussed here before, but just needed to talk

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi Cariad, I can relate to this as my husbands license was taken from him last November, and boy has he been bitter ever since. I am not sure how it happened as I didn’t get the chance to speak to either the Doctor or his consultant privately, but maybe it was his answers to the consultant that swung it. I do wish that there was a yearly test that they should be made to do, and it’s great if someone voluntarily gives up their license, but my husbands job, and all he loved was driving. He occasionally talks about seeing the Doctor to get it back, but he was an accident waiting to happen. I then decided to sell both of our cars and buy a neutral one. Literally every time we go out now, he makes sarcastic remarks about “my car”, or the fact that he can’t drive. But as my daughter said, what if he is in an accident, and either you, him or someone else is injured? It’s damn hard though, but if you are afraid being his passenger then it’s time to get tough.

 

[Am59]

I have been reading the conversations for many months, but rarely added anything. I am learning from you all, so firstly, thank you.
My particular worry tonight is that I have handled and continue to handle the issue of my husband's driving badly. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost two years ago. He had his licence renewed last June (for one year)though he wasn't seen by anyone. Around that time he stopped night time driving and driving in poor conditions; this was because of a bad journey one night. A little while later I said he shouldn't drive any longer. This was based not so much on his driving but on the way I see him struggle to do things around the house and elsewhere. My logic is that if he gets confused around the house and in new surroundings then the risk of him driving is too great. Unfortunately it has caused a number of heated moments and rows. We have discussed him doing the drivers assessment; sometimes he wants to and other times he's not bothered. At the moment he wants to do it and I've just completed the form for him - just before he went to bed in a sulk.
Today we've argued and he's accused me of being cruel, which I find very upsetting. I understand his hurt at losing his independence but I am looking after his interests.
Tonight I'm worrying that my risk averse nature has meant I've stepped in too quickly with this.
I don't know how to handle it in a loving way. I've looked at it as black and white, when perhaps there was a shade of grey somewhere along the line. I'm inclined to press on with the driving assessment and trust the system, but he's mad with me.
I appreciate this has been discussed here before, but just needed to talk

Hi Cariad, I was in the same boat as you regarding my husband's driving. He had always been an excellent driver but a couple of years ago I started to not feel so safe with him. He was diagnosed years ago with Parkinson's but hadn't been diagnosed with dementia then. He was doing odd things around the house and I thought the same as you, that if he couldn't concentrate at home how could he be safe driving. He also would suddenly fall asleep. I thought one day he might forget what a pedestrian crossing was for. One day he got out of the driver's seat when we stopped outside the shops and the engine was still running. I spoke to the Parkinson's nurse and she advised him to stop driving. He was resentful to begin with and said it wasn't worth living but he's got used to it now. I would never have forgiven myself if he'd hurt himself or someone else in an accident. He was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's dementia.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Hi @Cariad 42

We being my sister and I felt dads driving days were over when she started to get very nervous about being a passenger ( sister has never driven ).
Dad apparently took four attempts to pull away from a set of traffic lights on a hill when he took her on their week/fortnightly shop cars behind them starting to get frustrated and hooting.
Dad was constantly asking me how the lights in his car worked although this was in the days when nights drew in earlier. Dad generally stopped driving at night quite a long while before his driving got to the stage we felt he should stop.
I said to sister he was not only a danger to them but also to other people.
I was able to approach dad with the idea that as he rarely drove since our mother had died 6 months earlier that I would take him shopping etc in future. I helped dad renew his licence the previous year but I can't say I was happy. Mum was still alive then ( passed away in 2016 ).
I did ask mum if she was happy for dad to be driving then and she said yes he was still OK so reluctantly I helped send his paperwork off.
Do you drive yourself, are you able to say how much you would like to drive instead?. I was able to say that he would save lots of money as his insurance would be sky high next time it was renewed ( he was in early 80's. I had done his insurance online the last couple of years so actually had been a lot cheaper than his usual company.
Dad being tight did think about it and was reasonably happy to sell his car back to the garage although it was disappointing what they paid him. I saw at a later date garage advertised it for a heck of a lot more but they could see he obviously had some cognition problems so knew he needed to let car go and I believe took advantage..
We never suggested him taking any sort of test the fact was he had that car for around 18 months and had never really got used to it unable to adapt to the more modern features.
Dad sometimes mentions the fact he can still drive if he wanted too if he had a car but reality is he couldn't and I don't think he could even pull away now.
It must be more difficult if your husband still drives a lot but as I say dad only drove for the occasional shopping trip sometimes just once a fortnight. Dads car battery was continually draining too so I had to call breakdown company out to jump start although a friendly neighbour did disconnect the battery and fully charge it for dad a couple of times.
Sorry I've probably not been too much help but if you feel its possible he could put himself and others in danger he must be persuaded to stop before something bad happens. I hope it all gets sorted and husband is kind to you in morning.

 

[DesperatelyseekingSusan]

My dad who was diagnosed last year. His judgement had got very bad but he refused to give up blaming everyone else for his driving mistakes. The Dr advised us to take his licence away or report him through dvla anonymously. We didn’t. The Dr said how are you going to feel if he hurts or kills someone, a child. He then had a near fatal accident with my mum in the car with another vehicle. He said it was nothing, my mum who was in shock for two days was told she was overreacting. I, his daughter, reported him anonymously, on line, to the DVLA. It takes fives minutes and you give very brief details. I said dementia and near fatal accident. I felt horrendous. A traitor. A week later they sent a form for permission to contact his GP for a medical report, and said he would need to attend a test. It frightened him so much he took his licence straight out of his wallet and told my mum to surrender it. We did and that was the end of that. He assumed the other driver reported him as it says no where on the form from which person, it’s all anonymous. If you wait till he makes a mistake on the road you can do it then and say the person must have reported him. I don’t regret doing it now. If I’d done it when the Dr told me, my mum would have been safe. She nearly died and the other driver had shock. My advice, don’t wait till a near miss.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Hi @Cariad42

I perhaps should say dad had not been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer/Vascular Dementia at the time we persuaded him to stop driving.
Dad was diagnosed early 2018 stopped driving in February 2017 but has had carers four times per day for just over two years now.

 

[Lawson58]

Eighteen months prior to his diagnosis, I refused to go anywhere in the car with OH unless I drove. I reported him to our local licensing authority who sent his GP a form to complete. GP understood my concerns but the form was only about his health not his ability to drive.

The consultant who diagnosed his AD, advised the licensing authority who insisted on a full assessment of my husband's capacity to drive. It cost us a small fortune but outcome was that he lost his licence. He was devestated at the time but now he tells people he can't drive because of his heart and the whole thing was easier because it wasn't me that made the decision,

You really need to do something about your husband's driving because someone could get badly hurt. I know it will cause unpleasantness but the sooner you do it the sooner he will get over it. You can lose the keys, disable the car, lie through your teeth but please do something!

 

[Wildflowerlady]

My dad who was diagnosed last year. His judgement had got very bad but he refused to give up blaming everyone else for his driving mistakes. The Dr advised us to take his licence away or report him through dvla anonymously. We didn’t. The Dr said how are you going to feel if he hurts or kills someone, a child. He then had a near fatal accident with my mum in the car with another vehicle. He said it was nothing, my mum who was in shock for two days was told she was overreacting. I, his daughter, reported him anonymously, on line, to the DVLA. It takes fives minutes and you give very brief details. I said dementia and near fatal accident. I felt horrendous. A traitor. A week later they sent a form for permission to contact his GP for a medical report, and said he would need to attend a test. It frightened him so much he took his licence straight out of his wallet and told my mum to surrender it. We did and that was the end of that. He assumed the other driver reported him as it says no where on the form from which person, it’s all anonymous. If you wait till he makes a mistake on the road you can do it then and say the person must have reported him. I don’t regret doing it now. If I’d done it when the Dr told me, my mum would have been safe. She nearly died and the other driver had shock. My advice, don’t wait till a near miss.

Hi @DesperatelyseekingSusan
Reading your post I'm so relieved that I managed to persuade dad to stop driving before he had a accident. I was reluctant to help dad renew his licence but my mum said he was ok. After mum had passed I felt it was my duty to persuade him to stop when sister felt unsafe. I never did travel as a passenger as I drive myself. Well done for taking that decision on your shoulders I hope I would have done the same if I had been in the same position.

 

[Mustang66]

Hi Cariad, I can relate to this as my husbands license was taken from him last November, and boy has he been bitter ever since. I am not sure how it hed as I didn’t get the chance to speak to either the Doctor or his consultant privately, but maybe it was his answers to the consultant that swung it. I do wish that there was a yearly test that they should be made to do, and it’s great if someone voluntarily gives up their license, but my husbands job, and all he loved was driving. He occasionally talks about seeing the Doctor to get it back, but he was an accident waiting to happen. I then decided to sell both of our cars and buy a neutral one. Literally every time we go out now, he makes sarcastic remarks about “my car”, or the fact that he can’t drive. But as my daughter said, what if he is in an accident, and either you, him or someone else is injured? It’s damn hard though, but if you are afraid being his passenger then it’s time to get tough.

Hi Cariad, I can relate to this as my husbands license was taken from him last November, and boy has he been bitter ever since. I am not sure how it happened as I didn’t get the chance to speak to either the Doctor or his consultant privately, but maybe it was his answers to the consultant that swung it. I do wish that there was a yearly test that they should be made to do, and it’s great if someone voluntarily gives up their license, but my husbands job, and all he loved was driving. He occasionally talks about seeing the Doctor to get it back, but he was an accident waiting to happen. I then decided to sell both of our cars and buy a neutral one. Literally every time we go out now, he makes sarcastic remarks about “my car”, or the fact that he can’t drive. But as my daughter said, what if he is in an accident, and either you, him or someone else is injured? It’s damn hard though, but if you are afraid being his passenger then it’s time to get tough.

It is the hardest thing to do, all his life my husband was into Hot Rods & Lambretta's ,it was so tough, he said his life was over! but it was something that I had to do, my memory of the last time he drove us I will never forget as such a poignant moment, although there has been a lot of those since,it was made harder by people saying he was far to young (60) to never drive again!

 

[Vitesse]

Losing ones licence seems to be the last straw for many people. An old friend who was in his 90s (no dementia) had a minor accident and the police told him they would not prosecute if he surrendered his licence. It was the first thing he told me each time I spoke to him. My husband informed the DVLA when he was first diagnosed and they organised an assessment, which he passed. He had driven all his life and prided himself on his good driving, and was still OK for over a year after diagnosis. Then he was referred to the mental health doctor as his condition started to deteriorate, and she told him he shouldn’t drive any more. He went mad!! Stormed out of her office, blamed me, etc etc. He was sufficiently sensible to know he had to follow her instructions, but I had months of aggro! He wanted to do another assessment, wanted to go to a driving school to get their opinion, still remembers that it was the doctor who stopped him driving and doesn’t want to come to see her again (that is non negotiable, so she puts up with his bad mood). We had recently bought a new car when all this happened, and quickly started to refer to it as my car. He then wanted to go to buy a new car for himself!! He has never driven again. A friend who had vascular dementia was worse, in that one would need to hide car keys, or he would take them and try to drive. Our car keys are in full view, but my husband knows the6 are for me to drive. I have never sent in his actual licence, which I know I should have done, but I felt that would have been the last straw for him. Having it in his wallet is a comfort.
Our current car has key less technology, so I know it’s safe, as he wouldn’t have a clue how to start it!!!

 

[jenniferjean]

My logic is that if he gets confused around the house and in new surroundings then the risk of him driving is too great.

You have to bear in mind that it's not just the confusion. My husband has Alzheimer's and it was explained to me that often a person with Alzheimer's looses the ability to judge distances. It was after a trip out with him and I felt we had too many near misses due to being too close to other vehicles that I took his keys away from him.

 

[Delilah63]

Oh my goodness..just been reading this thread and really do feel for all of you. My Dad was really the carer for mum who has very poor mobility, and so the driving thing has been one of our biggest problems. Dad never ever got to the point of believing that he should stop driving and Mum, so fearful of becoming housebound kept telling us all his driving was fine. Very long story but eventually we just took his car away, we said he had lent it to my brother who couldnt get to wotk without it, but it was a significant factor in his rapid deterioration, as he quickly became fixated on cars, driving....argghh dont even want to think about that.
I did just want to say in support of everyone who has felt guilty, wavered, put off making decisions, made decisions other people disagreed with....all you can do is your best, make a decision based on your own judgement, be brave and then give yourself a break. This issue can be so emotive for some pwd and it just adds to the myriad of stresses involved in trying to help your relatives. This forum has saved my sanity on many occasions as I read stories that resonate with our situation and the guilt and responsibility for making tough decisions can take a lot of time and effort to come to terms with, but you have all done the right thing, you've done what you think is best and that has to be ok x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Cariad 42

I've looked at it as black and white, when perhaps there was a shade of grey somewhere along the line

There are no grey areas in safe driving. You are doing the right thing.

I know how hard it is to live with your husband`s anger. My husband lost spatial awareness and would crash wing mirrors with parked vehicles. His judgement was affected quite early on in his dementia and I also heard alarm bells ring when he became confused in the house.

I don`t know how you can handle it in a better way than you are doing.

Accusations of cruelty are hard to hear. My husband told me I was taking over his life and he was becoming frightened of me. I dissolved in tears hearing that.

There comes a time when some decisions have to be made for people with dementia however hard they find them to hear. You would never forgive yourself if your husband caused a road traffic accident.

It was OK for me. I don`t drive and we `lent ` the. car to our daughter in law, never to get it back. I hope you find a way around this but please be assured you are doing the right thing.

 

[jenniferjean]

It was OK for me. I don`t drive and we `lent ` the. car to our daughter in law, never to get it back.

I don't drive either. So I simply sold my husband's car. Even now he tells people that he doesn't drive because his wife sold his car. He makes a joke about it.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Cariad 42, please don't feel guilty, you are the best judge of your husband's capabilities. I always refer back to when my Mum 'gave up' driving after a stroke which started the onset of vascular dementia. Around that time a teenage girl was killed in town when an elderly man got confused at a new road lay out and mounted the pavement driving along it straight into this young girl. His licence had been revoked by the Police two weeks earlier as they had deemed him unfit on the road, the DVLA were in the process of writing to him (the law has changed now), the Police had told him not to drive but he ignored them. I straight away had Mum's car sold (scrapped as it was extremely old), and told her the Doctor had said she couldn't drive due to her medical condition, she said 'the swine!' but adapted - it mean't me running her around, but that was fine - I didn't want her to be in the position of causing a serious accident when I knew she wasn't fit to drive.

 

[Stayingalive]

I have been reading the conversations for many months, but rarely added anything. I am learning from you all, so firstly, thank you.
My particular worry tonight is that I have handled and continue to handle the issue of my husband's driving badly. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost two years ago. He had his licence renewed last June (for one year)though he wasn't seen by anyone. Around that time he stopped night time driving and driving in poor conditions; this was because of a bad journey one night. A little while later I said he shouldn't drive any longer. This was based not so much on his driving but on the way I see him struggle to do things around the house and elsewhere. My logic is that if he gets confused around the house and in new surroundings then the risk of him driving is too great. Unfortunately it has caused a number of heated moments and rows. We have discussed him doing the drivers assessment; sometimes he wants to and other times he's not bothered. At the moment he wants to do it and I've just completed the form for him - just before he went to bed in a sulk.
Today we've argued and he's accused me of being cruel, which I find very upsetting. I understand his hurt at losing his independence but I am looking after his interests.
Tonight I'm worrying that my risk averse nature has meant I've stepped in too quickly with this.
I don't know how to handle it in a loving way. I've looked at it as black and white, when perhaps there was a shade of grey somewhere along the line. I'm inclined to press on with the driving assessment and trust the system, but he's mad with me.
I appreciate this has been discussed here before, but just needed to talk

My husband was driving after his diagnosis, and I thought his driving was reasonable, but he had a formal assessment by the DVLA who took him out without me present (I guess, on reflection, I had been helping him a lot with directions at roundabouts etc) and they said he had to stop driving as he was wandering about between lanes unpredictably and could easily cause an accident.

I thought that he took it pretty well, and it helped that a daughter who lives a long way away needed a car, so his car disappeared, I think that helps.

However a couple of months later there was what my children call 'Dad's episode pf joyriding'. One morning I was having a shower, he was downstairs. When I went down he wasn't around, I first thought he'd gone for a walk round the village, then I looked outside and my car was gone!! I waited for half an hour, as I thought he might have gone to the local supermarket, but when he didn't reappear I called the police. They tracked my car on the M1 but wouldn't stop it on the motorway, as that would be too dangerous. They tracked it all the way towards the M25. Intended to pull him over as soon as he left the motorway. Then he turned round at a junction and came back. When he arrived home he said he had been heading for London but it was too busy. He was driving without a licence and without insurance, but luckily no incidents. The police gave him quite a telling-off and I have to hide my car keys.

 

[Little moth]

I feel sadness for my husband as he has recently given up his licence. There were some horrible times but a few words from his doctor persuaded him to stop. It wasn't easy, backtracking, anger, sadness, the unfairness of it all. But, do I feel guilt...no. Life is more complicated without a car but we have good buses.

 

[jugglingmum]

I hadn't really got a clue about dementia until mum had her crisis - she got lost over 60 miles off route - and by the way she kept repeating that at least she hadn't gone the wrong way on a dual carriageway I think she did nearly do this.

I had been in the car when she got too close to vehicles in front and her car had loads of scuffs where she had clipped things. I thought this was her eyesight and got her eyes tested. We had also repeatedly watched her cross a busy main road very badly and thought this was her eyesight.

With hindsight she had lost spatial awareness and ability to judge speed of other traffic.

As a result of getting lost she was staying with us temporarily (she lived 200 miles away) and I hid the keys - making sure no one in the house knew where they were.

In reality she probably should have stopped driving 2 years earlier - although I think she had had dementia for a lot longer than that - we rarely saw her and she managed to put on hostess mode when we did.

 

[Cariad 42]

Thanks everyone for your responses, you have confirmed my instinct, and that is so reassuring. I now just need to see it through.

My husband hasn't driven since last summer when I said I thought he should stop. Like others, he thinks I'm controlling his life; it's so upsetting when all I'm trying to do is fill his life with good things.

He's been very moody all day (argghhhh), though his friend has just picked him up for a game of snooker - let's hope that cheers him up!

To manage the risk I have already taken the car keys off his key ring and I try and remember to hide mine. I now need to sell our second car but he doesn't agree with this .....another argument looms!

 

[White Rose]

Thanks everyone for your responses, you have confirmed my instinct, and that is so reassuring. I now just need to see it through.

My husband hasn't driven since last summer when I said I thought he should stop. Like others, he thinks I'm controlling his life; it's so upsetting when all I'm trying to do is fill his life with good things.

He's been very moody all day (argghhhh), though his friend has just picked him up for a game of snooker - let's hope that cheers him up!

To manage the risk I have already taken the car keys off his key ring and I try and remember to hide mine. I now need to sell our second car but he doesn't agree with this .....another argument looms!

Many battles to get through, now and in the future, my experience is of PWDs acceptance in the end - I wish you luck.