Mum moved into care home in October after 5 weeks in hospital and huge deterioration in her dementia. The first few weeks were hard for us all and around Christmas we felt we had started to see a more settled mum on our regular visits. In the past few weeks, there are lots of new residents who are still trying to settle and consequently keep saying they are going home or want to go home. Mum seems to mirror this behaviour and it feels just like the first few weeks of her moving in all over again. My dad visits her every morning, then my brother sister and I also visit every other day too, so she sees at least 2 visitors everyday. She prefers to be in the main lounge and spends minimal time in her room which is lovely. I had a really stressful visit yesterday and had to take her for a dental appointment too. She was saying really unkind things, that her family had dumped her there and my dad had another woman! He’s 85 and looks on his last legs, devoted to her so I do find this really hard. I shouted at her yesterday and feel terrible because I know it’s the dementia, just typing this makes me cry. Reading regular posts here I’ve given up hope she will ever truly ‘settle’ there but how do we cope with this recurring behaviour every time a new person moves in.
Feels like one step forward two steps back
- Thread starter Chaplin
- Start date
Hi Chaplin,
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I had the same sort of thing when I had to put my mum in a home, who also has dementia.
I know how bad you feel about shouting, but I’m sure you are not alone in having done that. Also you will probably find that given a bit of time, things will settle. I also think and a nurse confirmed that when relatives are around they “lay it on a bit thick so to speak”
Please don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure you have done the best that you could do. We all do our best and it never seems enough, but we can only do what we can do. Take care.xxxx
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I had the same sort of thing when I had to put my mum in a home, who also has dementia.
I know how bad you feel about shouting, but I’m sure you are not alone in having done that. Also you will probably find that given a bit of time, things will settle. I also think and a nurse confirmed that when relatives are around they “lay it on a bit thick so to speak”
Please don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure you have done the best that you could do. We all do our best and it never seems enough, but we can only do what we can do. Take care.xxxx
My mother-in-law was like this when she went into care in 2018. She was always telling my husband and I she was in a "living hell". We visited only once a week and then only for half an hour, timing it so we could leave when dinner time approached. She often said the staff ignored her, well the care home had a Facebook page. There she was in an uploaded photo on their Facebook account, smiling taking part in the activities, hair washed, nails painted. After that we just ignored the complaints
Thank you. We all know mum is more stimulated here and has more company from those residents she she spends time with. It was important to us that we are still actively involved in her care and we were thinking of reducing visits but when she throws these accusations at us we just don’t know what to do for the best! Must grow a harder layer I guess. X
Thanks for your insight. Just don’t know what to do for the best and hate to think of her feeling cast aside by us who all love her very much. Mum has mixed dementia and has complex issues from a brain tumour which was removed over 45 years ago but sometimes her behaviour just smacks you in the face, metaphorically speaking .
Have you asked the staff what she is like when you are not there? If she seems settled, then I would ignore this behaviour. People with dementia do tend to "mirror" emotions of those around them, but visiting more often is more likely to "feed" this behaviour, rather than reassuring her. I expect that it will pass as the newbies settle in
