Speaking to my Mother about the Future and Care

foolishfriend

Registered User
Jan 27, 2013
23
0
Hello

I am currently the sole carer for my mother who has moderately advanced Alzheimer's (ACE-R 53).

I want to talk to her about care in the future whilst she still has some capacity to understand this but that means touching on how the progress of the disease will affect her in the coming years, and that is simply not something that she wants to know. Her attitude is 'I'll just take every day as it comes'.

So as a carer I am in the difficult position that I am going to need to start to introduce external care very soon as Mum's not showering any more, just washing in the sink as she's afraid of the shower, and this will obviously ramp up over time.

Mum's attitude to her illness and her wilfulness (which has always been part of her personality) make talking about the future very difficult. But I don't want to say, 'right Mum, as from next week, someone will be coming to help you wash'.

I guess as Mum's condition gets worse, this won't be as much of an issue. But at the moment I have a real dilemma. I'd appreciate any advice from anybody who has faced something similar.

Many thanks

Tim
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Hello

I am currently the sole carer for my mother who has moderately advanced Alzheimer's (ACE-R 53).

I want to talk to her about care in the future whilst she still has some capacity to understand this but that means touching on how the progress of the disease will affect her in the coming years, and that is simply not something that she wants to know. Her attitude is 'I'll just take every day as it comes'.

So as a carer I am in the difficult position that I am going to need to start to introduce external care very soon as Mum's not showering any more, just washing in the sink as she's afraid of the shower, and this will obviously ramp up over time.

Mum's attitude to her illness and her wilfulness (which has always been part of her personality) make talking about the future very difficult. But I don't want to say, 'right Mum, as from next week, someone will be coming to help you wash'.

I guess as Mum's condition gets worse, this won't be as much of an issue. But at the moment I have a real dilemma. I'd appreciate any advice from anybody who has faced something similar.

Many thanks

Tim

Difficult isn't having to "cross the line" as I saw it and taking over to a point when previously a PWD has managed to wash etc - I had the same issue with the MIL in that she had stopped showering we knew she was not washing either - in the end she had a surprise spell in hospital and we had to have nurses then carers take over the washing but not without having an annoyed MIL as to why all these people were interfering in her life as she sees it (even though she can barely do a lot for herself now) - even now 3 months down the line we get the odd snipe about it but she is more accepting of it now.

I would not make reference to the future as I have found that time becomes an unknown entity to a PWD something that they cannot comprehend any longer. In the end you have to bite the bullet and just do it ie getting carers in, I find putting the blame on the doctor or the more recent one is the Social Worker saying it was their insistence that she has help. But appreciate it is still individual to you and just one idea may not work for you, I am sure others on TP will be able to give their ideas as well. Hope it works out ok for you.
 

foolishfriend

Registered User
Jan 27, 2013
23
0
Thank you for your reply @Donkeyshere

In the end you have to bite the bullet and just do it ie getting carers in, I find putting the blame on the doctor or the more recent one is the Social Worker saying it was their insistence that she has help.

I fear this is what will have to happen. My Mum worked in a professional job and always has (possibly a little to much) respect for the opinions of other professionals, so suggesting that I'm acting on their instructions could be a good strategy.
 

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