Disrupting family members

[GertieWooster]

My husband says that I am like the boy who put his finger in the dam to prevent a flood. And it is true the more I do for my mother (whose is on a steady and rapid decline, that makes her vulnerable from harm and persuasion; so a cause for concern) so others consider her well and won't accept there is a problem. Mostly absent and distrustful members of family are not proactive; they merely intend to disrupt the care provision I have put ion place and adversely impact on mum's mental wellbeing further by plaguing her with lies; they do not consult, ask questions but will complain, spout erroneous claims to challenge my integrity and look for reasons to object. Poor mum is increasingly confused, frail and easily manipulated so she feels compelled to agree or tell stories to keep the doubting Thomas' on side; she agrees with virtually everyone (worryingly, even when they are pushing for her to change her LPA in their favour). She is unaware that they are rifling through her personal possessions, moving personal objects. Now they know there is a camera they disable it during their rare visits. Social services say I cannot object to their visits or prevent them visiting her, and I have not their behaviour is alarming and disturbing, and harmful to mum's wellbeing. Trying to protect her is a nightmare; despite numerous medical opinions to support Mum's diagnosis and present condition, they only appear willing to assess and confirm capacity (which was done two years ago) but reluctant to do the opposite. So is the contagion of fear of making an incorrect diagnosis. Its hardly surprising that family members elected as attorneys end up walking away but I made a promise to my mum I would not be bullied and will stand my ground when she asked me to be her attorney two years ago. Consequently, I am a slave to the challenges that disruptive and mean spirited family members create for my ever frail mother.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

My husband says that I am like the boy who put his finger in the dam to prevent a flood. And it is true the more I do for my mother (whose is on a steady and rapid decline, that makes her vulnerable from harm and persuasion; so a cause for concern) so others consider her well and won't accept there is a problem. Mostly absent and distrustful members of family are not proactive; they merely intend to disrupt the care provision I have put ion place and adversely impact on mum's mental wellbeing further by plaguing her with lies; they do not consult, ask questions but will complain, spout erroneous claims to challenge my integrity and look for reasons to object. Poor mum is increasingly confused, frail and easily manipulated so she feels compelled to agree or tell stories to keep the doubting Thomas' on side; she agrees with virtually everyone (worryingly, even when they are pushing for her to change her LPA in their favour). She is unaware that they are rifling through her personal possessions, moving personal objects. Now they know there is a camera they disable it during their rare visits. Social services say I cannot object to their visits or prevent them visiting her, and I have not their behaviour is alarming and disturbing, and harmful to mum's wellbeing. Trying to protect her is a nightmare; despite numerous medical opinions to support Mum's diagnosis and present condition, they only appear willing to assess and confirm capacity (which was done two years ago) but reluctant to do the opposite. So is the contagion of fear of making an incorrect diagnosis. Its hardly surprising that family members elected as attorneys end up walking away but I made a promise to my mum I would not be bullied and will stand my ground when she asked me to be her attorney two years ago. Consequently, I am a slave to the challenges that disruptive and mean spirited family members create for my ever frail mother.

Oh lovely it’s so sad but eventually you will have to step back & let that crisis happen so help will be forthcoming - so difficult to do but eventually it happens when carers break under the strain.
I hope you find a way of sorting care out that means you have less of a burden
Xx

 

[Bunpoots]

I’ve had similar problems with my brother trying to manipulate my late dad @GertieWooster. I’m only just realising how bad he was now, over a year after my dad’s death. Sadly it’s a common theme.

welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You’ll find people who understand on here.

 

[Shedrech]

Hello @GertieWooster
A warm welcome from me too
Are you Attorney for your mum, and not a joint Attorney with another family member... If so, make sure you have sent off the documents to the OPG so that it is registered with them... this will at least mean that it is more difficult for anyone considering having your mum alter the current arrangement
Maybe, if it will not cause more friction, notify family once that, as you are her Attorney and your mother made that decision when she had full capacity to do so, you are the only one with legal authority to support her in managing her finances ... indeed, from what you describe, your mother's capacity may now be in question and it would the OPG would not take well to anyone attempting to have her make any alterations... in fact, should the OPG consider family are proving unsatisfactory over Attorneys hip, they may insist on an independent Deputy being appointed instead, who would not need to consult family and who would charge your mum for their services: that's a high cost to your mother and family
might make them think twice
I sympathise with you, having had a family member tell me my dad wanted to spend his money in a certain way when clearly dad wouldn't have nown anything about this if the person hadn't themselves told dad all about it.. he too was suggestable, I could have got him to agree to lots of things, but I understood his situation and knew how he dealt with his finances in the past
Good for you for standing your ground... your mother is fortunate to have you looking out for her