Do I - or don't I ? - Need your advice on this one please...

[Lladro]

A plea to my forum friends for your thoughts, experiences and advice on this one please...

Brief overview: My wife (aged 70, Alzheimers diagnosis 3 years ago), my father (aged 92, super-fit for his age, lives by himself) - Me, aged 60.

Although Dad is 92, he is fantastic for his age, but I know that realistically over the next few years, he will start to become frail and need me more. At the moment, I travel two hours, once a week to see him.
I also obviously look after my wife 24/7 and I also know that over the next few years, it is going to become even harder than it currently is to look after her - couple that with my dads needs and I have a double-whammy coming along shortly.

So, idea is to move Dad in with us (house is big enough with spare rooms) - Selfishly, I will have dad to help me a little, but he will also be looked after. I will have them both under one roof and it will either be easier for me - or it will kill me off!

What do you think...

 

[Splashing About]

I’d consider the same....however you need to accept you will need help at some point. What impact will this have on finances? Sadly social care means they will go after your family to pay for any support you need. by living together do you make yourself vulnerable to less help in any way?

 

[Dimpsy]

Ask your dad - he might be horrified!
Sorry to play devils advocate, but your dad would seem to relish his independence. You say he is physically fit, how are his mental capabilities?

I deliver library books to a lady who will be 105 in August. She lived and managed her own home until she was 100, and then put herself into a care home, for others do her washing, prepare meals etc, but she still swims (when she can twist someone's arm to take her), maintains friendship's, is single minded and makes her own decisions.
She is a lovely reminder that not everyone declines in old age.

 

[charlie10]

I'd agree with Dimpsy......my dad turned 94 yesterday, is pretty fit, walks up to the shops with his backpack for the shopping, lives on his own with no help at all. My brother lives a about 3 hrs away, and his wife has Alz and he can no longer pop down to see Dad for a couple of days.

Im sure my brother would find it easier if dad lived nearby so he could keep an eye on him, but Dad has lived in the same area for 55 years and, I think, be very resistant to a move....if he was up for it I'd have imported him to us in NZ but I think the sheer logistics of selling/packing etc would be far too ovewhelming for him. I try to 'manage' them both long-distance.....luckily they know how bossy I am! I do understand your worries tho,@Lladro....it seems almost incomprehensible that we should be unable to 'force' our loving care onto our vulnerable dear ones. If you think this idea is truly practical, talk to your dad about it....I'm sure he'll be touched by your concern, but don't be surprised if he opts to stay put

 

[jenniferjean]

A plea to my forum friends for your thoughts, experiences and advice on this one please...

Brief overview: My wife (aged 70, Alzheimers diagnosis 3 years ago), my father (aged 92, super-fit for his age, lives by himself) - Me, aged 60.

Although Dad is 92, he is fantastic for his age, but I know that realistically over the next few years, he will start to become frail and need me more. At the moment, I travel two hours, once a week to see him.
I also obviously look after my wife 24/7 and I also know that over the next few years, it is going to become even harder than it currently is to look after her - couple that with my dads needs and I have a double-whammy coming along shortly.

So, idea is to move Dad in with us (house is big enough with spare rooms) - Selfishly, I will have dad to help me a little, but he will also be looked after. I will have them both under one roof and it will either be easier for me - or it will kill me off!

What do you think...

My first thought was 'how would your wife react'. But I agree with the others that your dad might prefer his independence. Tough decision.

 

[Lladro]

Hi my friends out there - especially Jenniferjean, splashing about, dimsey and Charlie 10 for replying to my recent plea:

I did speak to my wife about it and initially she overwhelmed me with being nice about it and saying it was ok - then as the conversation progressed, I realised that she did not really understand what was being said and the topic became disjointed. She has mentioned it since, but in another context and I am realising that she will not grasp it (like many other things) and I will just have to make a judgement on my own.

I did take on board your comments and then broached the subject with Dad today ;

I decided to say this to him:
"There are an awful lot of people your age who do not live as independently as you do and I am extremely proud of you (which I am, he's my hero), but when you think the timing is right, then you would be very welcome to come and live with us. If that was next week or in a few years, I just wanted you to now that"

I have left the ball in his court for now - so we will see what happens.

Thanks for your thoughts
Lladro

 

[Moggymad]

What a lovely way to put it to your dad. It must make him feel very much loved & wanted. Well done!

 

[Splashing About]

What a beautiful way to suggest it. You’re a lovely relative

 

[jenniferjean]

I did speak to my wife about it and initially she overwhelmed me with being nice about it and saying it was ok - then as the conversation progressed, I realised that she did not really understand what was being said and the topic became disjointed. She has mentioned it since, but in another context and I am realising that she will not grasp it (like many other things) and I will just have to make a judgement on my own.

Yes, I realise that. I know with my own husband how they don't always grasp what we are saying. Sometimes I don't think he wants to understand.

I decided to say this to him:
"There are an awful lot of people your age who do not live as independently as you do and I am extremely proud of you (which I am, he's my hero), but when you think the timing is right, then you would be very welcome to come and live with us. If that was next week or in a few years, I just wanted you to now that"

I think that was a wise move. Well done.

 

[Lladro]

Thank you all - I will keep you posted if there are developments!