Long time posting.

[Luca]

I thought I could cope. I M NOT AT THE END OF MY TETHER. hE KEEPS ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT HIS ''''' MONEY. I am forever telling him it's OK but he still goes on and on. really do kn opw how people do M-------

I am so fed up with him. Luca

 

[Nellie D]

I feel similar with my mother in law..it's tha same stuff over and over...it sort of wears you down when every time you go back in the room she asks you the same things..'have you got the turkey for Christmas....have you got the turkey for Christmas'...over and over..it's doing my head in. Before that it was 'I'll need some money for the hairdresser' over and over..even though I explained over and over..'you've got plenty'....

 

[jenniferpa]

Dear Luca

While we all have things that come under the category of "hot buttons" the repetitive question one was mine: I didn't mind (so much) the icky side (incontinence etc) but that.... Add to that the implication that is given by these questions that they don't trust you (and I think that's particularly likely to happen when the issue is money) I'm amazed that anyone gets through this. I wish I could say it would get better: it might but it might not. The only thing I can suggest is a combination of strategic deafness and agreement. If you could (and I know this is patronizing and I don't mean that one should do this all the time) just imagine that he's not actually talking to you, or that it's a meaningful as a nervous tic then maybe, just maybe, you can get though another day. I wish I could give you a sure fire trick to deal with this, but all I can really offer is my sympathy and understanding.

Bets wishes

 

[Nellie D]

One of my biggest problems is food....she won't eat any potatoes but chips or roast..will not touch rice or pasta. In fact all she will eat is meat and 2 veg with roast spuds or fish and chips or chicken kiev and chips. It's quite a pain having to cook 2 meals....she will only eat peas, sliced carrots and cauliflower. She won't eat carrots if they are not sliced. I wasn't feeling very well last week..(I've not long had a hysterectomy)..so I made a lovely casserole. She ate the meat then hid the rest into a box in the bin. She told me she'd eaten most of it..but she'd hardly eatyen anything.Now does that sound like dementia or is she playing me up!!!

 

[Nellie D]

I've just read your reply Jennifer and you have a good point. I quite often feel guilty about feeling upset about 'little' things....I mean the incontince and poo strewn all around are the things you expect to be upset about..but for me its the little comments. Unlike Luca money isn't the issue....that must be quite difficult if you feel that the person your caring for doesn't trust you. I wish I could offer some advice...but I haven't a clue myself and sometimes feel that I could just walk out.

 

[Nellie D]

Luca..have you got any chance of a break? Some sort of respite?
Perhaps some time for yourself might help a bit!. I'm going away for 2 days in a couple of weeks..I'm getting carers in for my M in Law. She's playing up..now she knows I'm going away...(message to self...don't tell her next time!!!) But it will get me through the next couple of weeks knowing I'm gonna have a break.

 

[jenniferpa]

Nellie - welcome to Talking Point.

Has your MIL always been, how can I put this nicely?, a bit manipulative? Because it does sound that she's trying to exercise as much control as she can over her own environment and you. I do think that sometimes, dementia can cause people to become "more so" if you see what I mean. I think you're caught between a rock and a very hard place. If she doesn't eat then the diabetes will kick in and the dementia will get worse. However, in truth, when you're elderly with dementia, eating might be one of your few pleasures so to eat something you don't like seems pretty hard. I think there's probably little point in playing the "if you don't eat you'll have to go into a care home card" because logic doesn't come into dementia. She may respond as if it does, but that doesn't mean it does. Would she starve herself if given appropriate food even if it's stuff she doesn't like? Probably not, but as I said, food might be one of her few pleasures. However, I don't see why you have to be run ragged catering to her whims. Could you not prepare some individually plated meals and freeze them for days when you're having pasts or something? Or even buy them? I don't think you should get wrapped up with the concept of providing a home cooked meal every night.

Best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Luca

If it`s any consolation to you, and I`m sure it won`t be, my husband is exactly the same about money. It drives me up the wall.

It`s the last bit of independence those like yours and my husband have, and even though they cannot read a bank statement and would not be able to manage the household finances, they cling to this money as if life depended on it.

It`s very hard for us for it conveys a lack of trust, and even though we know it is the illness, it is still hurtful, annoying and unresolveable.

My husband is counting his money all the time. It is the most `dog eared` money I have ever seen. And he keeps counting it because the minute he stops counting he forgets how much he has.

One incident this week gives me hope it might be coming to an end. I offer him his bank books whenever he starts, to show him he has savings. He usually takes it, reads it and is relatively satisfied.

This week he threw the books back at me, saying `I don`t want those. I want money.` Perhaps he is losing the concept of bank books now.

And I don`t know whether to be glad or sad.

 

[Luca]

Thank you for all your replies. I am sorry for the comments I made but I had just opend TP when he started, The point is we have an ISA and he wants it put into a bank and have a book. I have explained, as best as I could, I am no banker, that I cannot take out an ISA until the term is over; also that the banks are a bit doggy at the moment - I see he says -= but later he is off again. I had to phone my brother to help me this time. His repetiveness is very bad now.

When I read the threads of you all, I relate to you and wish I could help - at the moment I seem to be full of me and B. I feel so selfish.]

 

[HelenMG]

coins are money too !

Hi Luca,
Dad always went on about money too and for a while it was very trying as he would check his statements and worry that "people" (us) were taking his money (we wern't). He was always checking his two wallets , one with lots in - and one for everyday. He doesn't do that anymore but still worries about "having" money. I twigged a good while back that as long as he had some coins in his pocket he felt as if he had money. He would take them out and count them and he was happy he had money. Notes were no good. Now I make sure he always has 3-5 coins of decent value in his pocket and he is content (copper or small coins don't count). It is amazing how he reverts to worrying about having no money once his coins are gone as occaisionally I wont have any to replace those he has spent or lost! I try to have a bag of coin at all times for my (and his!) peace of mind.

Another lady I know gave her mother "Wages" each week and that satisfied her . Dad still thinks he "works" each day (at going to mass, setting the table, walking) and I think I might give him "wages" too.
Good luck
Helen