I'm really finding evenings difficult now. My partner is rarely interested in the TV, he'll often spend the evening 'talking', it's just an obsessive monologue, often the same every night - currently he's obsessing about money, constantly asking how much he has and going on and on about going to his bank and asking me where it is and can I help him by taking him there. Time and again I've asked him why he needs to go to the bank, shown him the money in his wallet and the card he can use to pay for things if he needs anything, I've shown him his bank balances on internet banking and even printed statements off for him. But it's pointless because of course he doesn't understand and doesn't remember, so next evening we have to go over it all again! It's driving me mad, how can I deal with this every evening from now till .... when? Also driving me nuts is that every time I get up to do something he'll get up as well, I can't go up and clean up the kitchen without him following me. It's the same in the daytime though, I have things to do but can't do anything because he has nothing to do and just won't sit down if I'm in another room trying to work, clean or whatever. How do others deal with these behaviours?
How to cope with evenings?
- Thread starter White Rose
- Start date
I hope you don’t think I’m being flippant @White Rose but I wonder if getting your OH some of that realistic looking play money would give him something to do and reassure him that he has money - lots of it!
My mum is just the same @White Rose and I have no idea what to do either x
Mum also follows me if I get up to do something and wants entertaining all the time. Shes mixed up more or less all day now but evenings are the worst with constant questioning unless she nods of for a little while.
Mums main questions revolve around where she lives and who I am and no matter what I say or do it doesn't stick. She also obsesses about money a lot. Has she had a such and such bill and not paid it? How does she get her pension? Etc etc.
Round and round we go its so mind numbing and frustrating isn't it. I'd like to find a machine I could record my answers onto the first time she asks and then everytime after just press the button for that answer.
Good luck with it x
Mum also follows me if I get up to do something and wants entertaining all the time. Shes mixed up more or less all day now but evenings are the worst with constant questioning unless she nods of for a little while.
Mums main questions revolve around where she lives and who I am and no matter what I say or do it doesn't stick. She also obsesses about money a lot. Has she had a such and such bill and not paid it? How does she get her pension? Etc etc.
Round and round we go its so mind numbing and frustrating isn't it. I'd like to find a machine I could record my answers onto the first time she asks and then everytime after just press the button for that answer.
Good luck with it x
Hi @White Rose , my husband is the same as yours, even though not so exasperating.
I wonder if anxiolytics might help , since we can't make them reason and whatever we tell them is a frustrating waste of time and breath.
I wonder if anxiolytics might help , since we can't make them reason and whatever we tell them is a frustrating waste of time and breath.
My mum was the same, you’d think she would have finally forgotten about the money but then I’d find her on the sofa surrounded by her “books” saying she had no money and trying to understand the “books”. This phase did eventually pass unless I try and get her to walk to the shop with me then there is a panic because she has no money. And it will resurface if bills get through to the house, everything now direct debit and my brother gets all
the majority of the mail.
The constant questions do get you down and how I would love to watch a tv program from start to finish or even read a magazine. I feel guilty if I use the iPad in front of her as she asks me what I’m doing and you can tell she is unhappy about it. She has no interest in computers herself. I do record catchphrase and pointless and she can watch a whole episode of that so a little peace for me but couldn’t leave the room even with on as the following starts. I’m lucky as can catch up with the world at bed time how people manage if the PWD is their partner and they share a room I cannot imagine.
sorry I cannot offer practical help but reassuring to know we are not alone and to lesson the girly I feel when I’m pulling my hair out with frustration. We drink a lot of tea as that seems to be the main distraction I can find.
the majority of the mail.
The constant questions do get you down and how I would love to watch a tv program from start to finish or even read a magazine. I feel guilty if I use the iPad in front of her as she asks me what I’m doing and you can tell she is unhappy about it. She has no interest in computers herself. I do record catchphrase and pointless and she can watch a whole episode of that so a little peace for me but couldn’t leave the room even with on as the following starts. I’m lucky as can catch up with the world at bed time how people manage if the PWD is their partner and they share a room I cannot imagine.
sorry I cannot offer practical help but reassuring to know we are not alone and to lesson the girly I feel when I’m pulling my hair out with frustration. We drink a lot of tea as that seems to be the main distraction I can find.
I have had the same issue for nearly 2 years!! It’s not the evenings, sometimes it can go on all day. He is obsessed with the bank and his money. I have given him a list of his savings accounts, but he always wants to go to town to the bank. I’ve tried taking him there, had a scene where he said he’d had a bigger balance than they were showing. The social worker suggested taking him to the bank regularly without him raising the subject. None of it works. He goes on and on. Recently he decided he wanted to spend some money, but then he wants to go to the bank to get the cash out. Can’t understand about paying by card etc. It’s been quieter recently, then yesterday evening it all started again.
The mental health doctor tells me to go into another room and ignore it, and he will forget. It doesn’t work like that does it? He doesn’t forget his money at all! I now depend on regular doses of Risperidone to give me peace.
My other problem is that his speech is almost incomprehensible, so we can’t have any conversation. He can’t hear or can’t understand anything I say in return, so I have this monologue about the same issue.
The mental health doctor tells me to go into another room and ignore it, and he will forget. It doesn’t work like that does it? He doesn’t forget his money at all! I now depend on regular doses of Risperidone to give me peace.
My other problem is that his speech is almost incomprehensible, so we can’t have any conversation. He can’t hear or can’t understand anything I say in return, so I have this monologue about the same issue.
I have had very similar problems and the evenings are still not good but as he has got worse it’s not as bad. I never thought I would say that his steep fast decline is a good thing but it has made life a little easier for me. But the disorder in his brain is worse and I don’t try to correct it, disagree with it or engage with him in meaningless conversation. It’s difficult to achieve because you are going against all instinct to be rational. That’s how I manage but it does play havoc with your own head.
Thank you @Bunpoots, not flippant at all, worth trying anything, I will see if I can get hold of some.
Thanks everyone else for your advice and solidarity as well - at least we aren't alone with this. I might take him to the bank because you're supposed to register the POA with them which I haven't done. Weirdly he slept really well last night till I woke him at about 8.45 - we were out quite a lot yesterday so maybe that helped.
I’m astounded at the advice to go into another room, so many reasons why that is not going to work and seems quite cruel.
Mums obsession did last a few years and always going to the bank with a chequebook to draw money out, didn’t understand cards either. Now LPA in place, she doesn’t see bills/statements or visit the bank
We had to make an appointment to see the bank manager to register the LPA and it took around 30 minutes. There was no way mum could have sat through the questions etc so hope that your husband will not be too stressed there.
I guess the social workers have more experience than me but taking mum to the bank more often certainly wouldn’t have helped our situation. Removing the banks did though.
Mums obsession did last a few years and always going to the bank with a chequebook to draw money out, didn’t understand cards either. Now LPA in place, she doesn’t see bills/statements or visit the bank
We had to make an appointment to see the bank manager to register the LPA and it took around 30 minutes. There was no way mum could have sat through the questions etc so hope that your husband will not be too stressed there.
I guess the social workers have more experience than me but taking mum to the bank more often certainly wouldn’t have helped our situation. Removing the banks did though.
Evenings are often the hardest times, when your loved ones are tired, medication is wearing off, daylight is fading etc. Sometimes the anxiety gets too much, for example, my mum associates teatime with us coming home from school, dad coming hone from work, her needing to feed us, get our clothes ready for the morning etc. In her case, I am sure she still feels there is so much to do at this time of day, but can’t remember exactly what she has to do. I try and remember this when she is climbing the walls, trying to get up from her chair (she can’t walk unaided). Even though I try and understand, it’s still hard when you come home from work, wang to sit and relax and watch TV, but can’t because your loved one is restless and agitated .
Actually, sometimes it can work because sometimes you break the cycle and then when you go in after a few minutes (with a cup of tea, maybe) they have forgotten the episode. It doesnt always work though
Ring up the bank to make an appointment to register the POA and check if they need your partner to attend - they didn't need Mum to be there when I registered her POA.
Yes I will do that but going to take him with me, hoping that might satisfy him as he is old school where you had your account practically since birth and always went to see the bank manager when you needed anything - how times have changed. Just wish I could find things to do to keep him occupied, nothing lasts for more than a couple of minutes and we can't keep going out for walks all the time. Going round to a neighbour's Christmas gathering this evening, have to take him with me, he might enjoy it but I'm dreading it coz don't know how he's going to be! Won't stay long!
@White Rose...do you think you could hire someone to walk with him or find a volunteer.? All my husband wants to do is walk, it has been like that for many years now. I do not always want to walk so I have had helpers/walkers and one volunteer who walk with him. It has worked well for us.
Thanks @PalSal I do have a new care company starting next week, I've requested a male person who can take him out, including walking, hoping that might tire him out and also give me a bit of free time because, like you say, you don't always want to be out walking, there are so many other things that need doing! Fingers crossed that works as it's so difficult to keep him occupied.
