The Void

[Tender Face]

I am struggling so much to get motivated to do anything ....... it occurred to me today this is the first time in more than 15/16years I haven't had some 'caring capacity' .... and from juggling more balls than I thought was possible over those years I have none ....

Other than going to work (P/T) and bits of housework (even the paperwork is dwindling now I am no longer EPA and Probate is finally rattling through) I have no reason to do anything .... I have gone from running on adrenaline at a million miles an hour to this ..... ?

Yes, there are a million things I COULD be doing, but I don't have to anymore .......... with mum and dad now gone, hubby, thank God, in remission and my son suddenly turned into a pretty independent young man overnight it seems, I feel so redundant ...... well-meaning folk tell me it's time for ME - but I have forgotten what 'me' was? Or what other purpose I ever had in life to warrant crawling out from under the duvet .......

Anyone else feeling the same - or how did you get out of the doldrums, aside from the bereavement itself, that losing the 'caring role' brings?

Thanks, a rather bewildered Karen, x

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

well-meaning folk tell me it's time for ME - but I have forgotten what 'me' was?

How do you feel about re-discovering yourself Karen?

Love and a hug

 

[JPG1]

Clear Out The Sock Drawer!

Dear Karen

This is not meant to be facetious, but your post has reminded me of something that someone said to me when we both became "voluntarily unemployed" a few years back. [Different circumstances, but nevertheless still feeling 'redundant'.]

I would phone her and ask what she was doing today, and she would reply "Clearing out the sock drawer" which came to cover a multitude of sins.

So go clear out the sock drawer, and then work out whatever it may mean to you as each day passes on you. Or even pis.es on you!

TTFN

 

[barbara h]

Yes I know how you feel I looked after my mam calling in to see her morning and night doing shopping etc as well as working. When she went into the care home in february it didn't stop as we were visiting often then when she died in july we have been so busy sorting things out and selling her house.

I think it will only be now that the house sale will be completed and everything is sorted that i will really stop and think about me time. The problem is i think that when you do finally get me time you're not sure what to do with it.

Good luck with everything and thanks for your reply on my earlier thread it really does help talking on here.

barbara h

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Karen,

Nineteen months since Peter went into E.M.I. Unit and I am still trying to find the ME.

I have popped out of the duvet to see how everyone is.

Your son is a credit to you. I know what a terrible affect this illness has had on my Grandchildren.

When I first married at 17 and first child at 19 and now at the age of 64, what is the ME? I am still trying to work it out.

In this great universe at the moment apart for being there for my family and they are so supportive, I have decided still to be Secretary of our Local Branch.

I had been growing my hair long for years (at Peter's request) now it is long it does not register with Peter who I am.

So my dear unless I feel like it, and if I could get some decent sleep, I will go back under the duvet.

Love from
Christine xx

 

[Tender Face]

THAT is one astute comment Helen! And one I am sure everyone to differing degress will relate to here ...

Amidst the grief, there is a sense of anger and loss of having 'buried oneself' for so long ....... but then I worry that seems like martyrdom .......

It was only few weeks before mum went into rapid decline I was posting here about resolutions to 'look after myself and my own needs' .... I wonder how many carers ever really achieve that?

JPG - when you have finished the sock drawer and the bathroom cupboard ten times over what do you move onto next?

As always my love and thanks to all of you who find themselves in this particular section, xx

 

[Amy]

The cupoard under the sink Karen
Take care.
Love Helen

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Karen

((((((Hugs)))))))

I know what you mean. There comes a point when you have done all the immediate stuff and you are left facing decision for you.
I spent the summer trying to work uot what to do. I was lucky my kids are still small.

Then at the end of the summer my DH was struck down with depression. But I still made the decision to go on and do a course. At times it stresses me out, but it is for me and I find that because this work is there to do..like always I can find vacuum activities. I could so easily without this have disappeared into full caring vacuum again..without a "me".

However with the contagion of depression at times affecting me which I put down a lot to the grief of the last few years now able to show itself it is hard to persuade myself to do it and sometimes I find myself wanting to kick back and stay under the duvet all day! But I can't because I feel that I oew it to myself to make the most of my time.

Don't know how you feel about studying or if there is something that you have always wanted to do but if there is why not research it and find out how to make it possible for you to do. It may be a long distance walk, it may be a course, it may be learn to high dive, it may be volunteering to help someone, it may be just about anything but as you progress to clearing the garage after the kitchen sink and clearing out the attic see if there is anything that speaks to you.....then work out how to do it!

((((Hugs))))

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Cate]

Hi Kaz

As you know not long after mum died I had the operation I had put off due to mum's decline in health, so lots of enforced rest and doing nothing......... so I have spent hours and hours on the computer looking up my family tree, beats the sock drawer anytime and its also helped me keep close to mum in my own way by researching the family.

Hang on in there sugar.

Love and hugs
Cate xxxx

 

[CassElle]

Hi All

I never posted much but learned a great deal from everybody whilst caring for mum. Mum came to live with me 5 yrs ago and I became mums full time sole carer She had suffered from the dreaded AD and a host of other medical conditions. The continuous battle withe urine/chest infections finally took its toll and she passed away at home with me at her side at 3.30am 12th October. Two weeks before I had to have one of my twin chihuahuas put to sleep. She had suffered from epilepsy for two years and the constant seizures had led her to develop a doggy form of Alzheimers. She suddenly went into heart failure and I had no choice to do what was best for her.
I am devastated and can fully understand what everybody is going through. I feel totally lost with an emptiness I cannot describe.
People keep telling me that it should be some consolation that I
kept my promise to mum and she never went into a home. I have brothers and sisters who are extremely supportive and a friend who shares the house but I cannot explain how it feels to have my purpose in life taken from me. I knew it would come some day but thought that having done everything I could for mum it would be a bit easier to come to terms with. How wrong was I. Christmas means nothing. I havent bought a card or anything and cant motivate myself to do so.I havent moved anything from mums room its just as it was when she died - I cant do it and wont let anyone do it. I am of working age and thought that it would help to take a job in a care home. No disrespect to anybody but it was the worst thing I did. It only lasted a week and gave it up. I have to start looking for work so have to try and get motivated but how? Sorry to come on and moan when you are all
feeling every bit as bad as me but needed to say it to someone.
Thanks for reading and I will be remembering you all in my prayers. Take Care

Casselle

 

[JPG1]

Dear Casselle

Words are totally inadequate to describe how any one of us feels in this situation of loss, and for me there is no consolation in knowing that I did every single thing I could have done, and although I had no spoken promises to keep, as such, there were still promises there. Understood promises, unspoken promises, but promises nonetheless. I suppose I kept all of my unspoken promises, even though the so-called professionals didn’t keep their spoken and written promises, but I can’t change that now. They can just move on, sleep comfortably knowing that they only dealt with ‘another old person with dementia, another number on their list, another target to be met’ – and I know they will even have forgotten her name by now.

And like you, for me, Christmas is most definitely cancelled. Christmas doesn’t get a foot in the door, not a look-in with me into my own equation of working out my own route from there via here, and then to tomorrow. Christmas these days is all about spending and spending and buying and buying and not a lot else. Which is not what Christmas was all about back in its pagan origins. Christmas is no longer about caring and sharing.

So, the working out how to get motivated about …. anything really, is something that may just have to work itself out. Because I can’t find a way to work it out.

I don’t think the death of someone you have loved deeply is something that can easily be put away; you can’t come to terms with it; you have no choice but to acknowledge that it has happened, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy to ‘accept’. We all know that it will happen at some undefined day in our lives, but when it happens … it is still devastating for those left behind.

And that’s the way I am trying to work my way through it all: by telling myself that I am crying for me, because of my pain, not because of her and her pain, because she is no longer suffering. She is free from pain. She is gone from the world. So I cry for my own self, not for her. Because of her, yes, but not for her.

I know I have been of no help whatsoever to you, Casselle, but it helps me to speak aloud, so thanks for your post, and I wish you well.

 

[CraigC]

Dear Casselle,

Like so many here I cannot express the void that my mother has left. It is overwhelming at times. Something about a mother's love and a connection that just doesn't get filled at all by anything. Still pick up the phone and get close to dialing.

However, I feel differently about Christmas, had three difficult times at Christmas and I'm going to try and enjoy this one. Not so much time to move on, dad is still unwell, but feel I owe it to myself and family to find a little bit of happiness, or at least give it at go. Christmas can generate a lot of love. Mum would not want me to be unhappy however deep the void is and feel she is a definitely one of those stars shinning down on me.

Kindest Regards
Craig

 

[twinone]

Dear Casselle

I lost my lovely husband on 12th October 2007 after a rapid and rare type of the disease. I cannot even remember last christmas or how I got through it, even though I was surrounded by my family.

Christmas will never be the same for me again, Steve loved Christmas and New Year and was always sociable. I was always taken out for a nice meal on the 27th as it is my birthday. Last year on my birthday I along with my twin sister was taken out for a meal and cocktails by my son and niece and nephew. It would have been perfect if Steve was there.

This year it will really hit me, I just want it to be over with asap with no fuss. I have to make an effort for my family but really wish I didnt have to do anything as this year has been so traumatic for me and really made me ill.

My sister is divorced so we have decided to go away for a week in January, I did not want to go the the Canaries (me and steve always went there in January) so we have just booked for a week away in Egypt. Have never been there before so hope its okay, it looks lovely from the brochures and good reports on the internet on the hotel and resort.

My thoughts are with everyone on TP coping with the stresses and upset of caring for a loved one during the xmas holidays and especially those who have lost someone and have to go through it all without them, its so hard to cope with.

Lots of love
Janet

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

Amidst the grief, there is a sense of anger and loss of having 'buried oneself' for so long ....... but then I worry that seems like martyrdom .......

You didn't bury your whole self Karen, you buried a part of yourself. There was the other part of yourself caring and being there for your mum for such a long time. It is this part that is now redundant. I wonder what you put to one side all that time ago? You are not a martyr Karen in that negative sense you chose to care for your mum which meant you put her needs above some of your own. You now find yourself in a void because you can't go back and you are not ready to go forward

I would personally be terrified if it meant that I would have to job hunt - my head just cannot go there.

Love and best wishes Karen

 

[LIZ50]

It is now six months since I lost Mum and I too find it hard to get motivated about anything. I feel as though sometimes I'm playing a part in a film where I say and do all the things I should do but it's not really me that's there. I can't really even explain to anyone how I really feel because sometimes I don't understand it myself. There's a numbness inside of me that doesn't seem to want to go away even more so since my diagnosis of breast cancer - my op is on Monday and I'm dreading it as well as the treatment after but I know I have to stay positive. However, that's so hard to do when I'm still grieving for mum and wishing she was here with me to help me through this. I just wonder what else life is going to throw at me.

On a more positive note hopefully in the New Year, I will be getting my dog through the Hearing Dogs for the Deaf and I will be focusing my attention on training him/her for his/her role in life and meeting other dog socialisers at the training classes so that will keep me occupied and make me feel as though I'm doing something useful in life once again. I've also been informed that walking is a good remedy for depression so my dear little dog may end up with short legs! Will keep you posted!

Love Liz xx

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Liz

I wish you well for your operation and follow up treatment. Please let us know you are all right.
Love xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Liz

Six months is still a short time in my book. It can sound a long time to some people but in reality it's not much time in which to make positive adjustments to such a massive life change.

The diagnosis of breast cancer has come when you must be at your lowest ebb but I, and many others here I am sure, will be sending all our best wishes your way on Monday.

As for the dog training, I think it's a wonderful idea Just the thought of handing over a well trained dog to someone whose life will be so positively changed by it must be so rewarding.

Best wishes for Monday Liz.

Love

 

[Lynne]

Karen:
All I can say is "I know how you feel". How DO you 'get back to normal' when the one person who has been a constant in your life since childhood has gone missing, permanently.
I think the answer - if there is one - is you don't; you just try to enter everyone else's perception of normal & get used to the feel of Mum hovering over your shoulder seeing what's going on in your world now. She will be pleased when they are happy, probably be taking the mick out of you if you burn the lunch or forget the wine, and she will wish that you can find comfort from those who love you. Hugs sweetheart, from one daughter to another.

Liz:
Best wishes for tomorrow and your operation, and smooth progress to a full recovery and your plans for the new year.
.

 

[connie]

Dear Liz, just wanted to add my prayers, crossed fingers and toes, and love to see you through Monday.

Positive thoughts for a full and speedy recovery. Love n'hugs,

 

[LIZ50]

Bruised but still fighting

Many thanks to those who sent their good wishes for my op. Just to let you know that I am recovering slowly as the bruising is rather painful and limits me a little but my partner is wonderful and I am milking the sympathy!!
My follow-up appointment is on the 23rd to see if the cancer has spread (fingers crossed) and I hope that Mum will be looking after me and sending me good results. I know that she'll be holding my hand in spirit.
Onwards and upwards!
Love Liz xx