Father in law refuses any help

[Dizzylizzy]

Hi I've just joined this forum and found this thread, I just wondered how and what the out come was?
I'm in a similar situation, my parents in law live with us we took them in 5yrs ago after mum in law fell down the stairs, sustained various serious injuries including a fraction in neck! She now has vascular dementia along with other problems. They moved in with us so we could take care of them in their "old age" she's now 86 he's 89.
As of a month ago he informed me he longer wanted me in their part of the house, I was barred from my caring duties, and no longer needed! After 5yrs of my life given up for them caring, cleaning , washing ,cooking, you name it all the things you do. I've even had to deal with maggots crawling all over the place!! After a very long chat with my hubby his son, trying to reason....... He was now taking over care that I was barred due to my mental state and attitude! The reason? My mother in law had bowle incontinence and had messed the sheets had been sleeping in them for 2days! He knew and had done nothing about it! I was cross and told him he should have told me so I could change them. Fast forward I'm not allowed to care for her anymore or go into my own rooms of my own home!
4 weeks on...... She still wareing the same clothes, her hair has been washed once, that was because she had a hospital appointment, the bedding not been changed, what else hasn't done!?
Doctor imformed, adult services, dementia nurse, I wanted someone to do something!!??
Hubby is allowed in but not to do anything, he's checking things!
But because adult services are very busy at the moment...... And he's got money....... Will have to pay...... Nothing!!!!!
He won't pay for carers or a cleaner. So what do we do??
We have power of attorney. But we can't force things??
I've even put them on the list for assisted living housing, but unless he wants to move?
We know. He has some form of dementia, but even the doctor thinks he'll pass the test!!
Arghhhh! It's actually causing problems with our marriage! I want them out!! How can he dictacte to me!!??
Please help I'm at breaking point!! I can't stand to she my lovely mum in law look so unclean and dirty!!

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Dizzylizzy and welcome to DTP
@tattytwee hasn’t been on the forum since October
But I’m very worried about you and your situation you are obviously in a very difficult situation and you really cannot carry on like this..
You need to tell SS that the situation is untenable and insist they intervene
Please now you have posted please stay on the forum for support

 

[Dizzylizzy]

Thanks for your reply. I've phoned adult services so many times I'm on first name terms! They say they can't come and assess the situation till January as very busy, they put me on to a company that would assess but that was just a telephone assessment and they sort out care package.
I've even gone down the route of neglect and still the same!

 

[Dizzylizzy]

How can a 89yr old with possible dementia Care for an 86yr old with dementia?
It just seems impossible! I feel terrible for reporting it, but I had to. But now I keep going around in circles! Do I demand that I go in? No it was cause so much trouble! Upset mum in law! Do I leave it and just think oh well I give up? What if something happens?

 

[Woo2]

Hi @Dizzylizzy , welcome from me too . Wow that’s a very hard situation , I’m sorry you are having such a struggle . Your fil obviously isn’t coping and needs help . This might sound ridiculous but could you just pop in there all bright and happy with a big smile and a piece of cake ? In the hope he may have forgotten about banning you . Could you organise carers and tell some love lies that they have been sent by the go to help out . Failing that then it seems you have little choice but to leave them to it until Adult services can come and assess , though if self funding you might not got too much help off them . Have you tried talking / sending a letter to their gp outlining the situation ? I have done this with our gp about my fil and she is going to covertly get him in and assess him . Hope you get something sorted .

 

[Dizzylizzy]

Hi @Dizzylizzy , welcome from me too . Wow that’s a very hard situation , I’m sorry you are having such a struggle . Your fil obviously isn’t coping and needs help . This might sound ridiculous but could you just pop in there all bright and happy with a big smile and a piece of cake ? In the hope he may have forgotten about banning you . Could you organise carers and tell some love lies that they have been sent by the go to help out . Failing that then it seems you have little choice but to leave them to it until Adult services can come and assess , though if self funding you might not got too much help off them . Have you tried talking / sending a letter to their gp outlining the situation ? I have done this with our gp about my fil and she is going to covertly get him in and assess him . Hope you get something sorted .

Hi thanks. I think it's past a piece of cake unfortunately. Yep the doctor knows all about it as a telephone conversation with him before fil went for a check up. Just asked him if he was coping ok as it was a lot to do, fil said yes, and that was that. He has been referred to memory clinic but dc thinks he'll pass!

 

[Woo2]

Tell the gp he isn’t coping. Put it in their hands and see what they can do . A pass doesn’t mean all is ok though , again I would be writing a letter to memory clinic and handing it in before appointment if you don’t go . Good luck . I wasn’t being flippant about cake , my mum has some foul dark moods , I have to paste a smile on when it’s the last thing I want and feel like , and go in with a sweet treat and it more often than not does the trick . Sorry if that won’t work , just thinking of a way to try and break the ice as such .

 

[Dizzylizzy]

Tell the gp he isn’t coping. Put it in their hands and see what they can do . A pass doesn’t mean all is ok though , again I would be writing a letter to memory clinic and handing it in before appointment if you don’t go . Good luck . I wasn’t being flippant about cake , my mum has some foul dark moods , I have to paste a smile on when it’s the last thing I want and feel like , and go in with a sweet treat and it more often than not does the trick . Sorry if that won’t work , just thinking of a way to try and break the ice as such .

Sorry I didn't mean anything bad about the cake, I know it works! I've used it! Lol like you to sweeten the air!
good idea about the letter I don't know when he's going, but I'll remember it. The doc did say I could speak to him again, so maybe I'll try that as well. He's always been in control his way the right way kind of person, so I think it's just going to be a difficult journey. I've been treading on glass for a while and this has come to ahead. I'm a women and no women should tell me what to do! I think I've been put in my box! But he doesn't know what what's coming! I think I'll get the bossist loudest carer I can find! Lol!

 

[cobden 28]

Hi I've just joined this forum and found this thread, I just wondered how and what the out come was?
I'm in a similar situation, my parents in law live with us we took them in 5yrs ago after mum in law fell down the stairs, sustained various serious injuries including a fraction in neck! She now has vascular dementia along with other problems. They moved in with us so we could take care of them in their "old age" she's now 86 he's 89.
As of a month ago he informed me he longer wanted me in their part of the house, I was barred from my caring duties, and no longer needed! After 5yrs of my life given up for them caring, cleaning , washing ,cooking, you name it all the things you do. I've even had to deal with maggots crawling all over the place!! After a very long chat with my hubby his son, trying to reason....... He was now taking over care that I was barred due to my mental state and attitude! The reason? My mother in law had bowle incontinence and had messed the sheets had been sleeping in them for 2days! He knew and had done nothing about it! I was cross and told him he should have told me so I could change them. Fast forward I'm not allowed to care for her anymore or go into my own rooms of my own home!
4 weeks on...... She still wareing the same clothes, her hair has been washed once, that was because she had a hospital appointment, the bedding not been changed, what else hasn't done!?
Doctor imformed, adult services, dementia nurse, I wanted someone to do something!!??
Hubby is allowed in but not to do anything, he's checking things!
But because adult services are very busy at the moment...... And he's got money....... Will have to pay...... Nothing!!!!!
He won't pay for carers or a cleaner. So what do we do??
We have power of attorney. But we can't force things??
I've even put them on the list for assisted living housing, but unless he wants to move?
We know. He has some form of dementia, but even the doctor thinks he'll pass the test!!
Arghhhh! It's actually causing problems with our marriage! I want them out!! How can he dictacte to me!!??
Please help I'm at breaking point!! I can't stand to she my lovely mum in law look so unclean and dirty!!

Surely if your in-laws are living with you in your home they have no righto bar you from anywhere in your home - your home, not a home that they own? If they are making your life unbearable and are causing problems with your marriage, is there no possibility of you simply telling the local social services department that you don't want them living in your home any longer (in other words you're evicting them) so that the social services department HAVE to find somewhere else for your in-laws to live?

Or is that rather a drastic solution to your problem? What if your marriage were to break down completely because of the situation with your in-laws, where would they then go other than into residential care?

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi I've just joined this forum and found this thread, I just wondered how and what the out come was?
I'm in a similar situation, my parents in law live with us we took them in 5yrs ago after mum in law fell down the stairs, sustained various serious injuries including a fraction in neck! She now has vascular dementia along with other problems. They moved in with us so we could take care of them in their "old age" she's now 86 he's 89.
As of a month ago he informed me he longer wanted me in their part of the house, I was barred from my caring duties, and no longer needed! After 5yrs of my life given up for them caring, cleaning , washing ,cooking, you name it all the things you do. I've even had to deal with maggots crawling all over the place!! After a very long chat with my hubby his son, trying to reason....... He was now taking over care that I was barred due to my mental state and attitude! The reason? My mother in law had bowle incontinence and had messed the sheets had been sleeping in them for 2days! He knew and had done nothing about it! I was cross and told him he should have told me so I could change them. Fast forward I'm not allowed to care for her anymore or go into my own rooms of my own home!
4 weeks on...... She still wareing the same clothes, her hair has been washed once, that was because she had a hospital appointment, the bedding not been changed, what else hasn't done!?
Doctor imformed, adult services, dementia nurse, I wanted someone to do something!!??
Hubby is allowed in but not to do anything, he's checking things!
But because adult services are very busy at the moment...... And he's got money....... Will have to pay...... Nothing!!!!!
He won't pay for carers or a cleaner. So what do we do??
We have power of attorney. But we can't force things??
I've even put them on the list for assisted living housing, but unless he wants to move?
We know. He has some form of dementia, but even the doctor thinks he'll pass the test!!
Arghhhh! It's actually causing problems with our marriage! I want them out!! How can he dictacte to me!!??
Please help I'm at breaking point!! I can't stand to she my lovely mum in law look so unclean and dirty!!

It sounds to me that in fact assisted living will no longer be suitable for your parents in law. Both your in-laws in my opinion should be in residential care. There comes a point where you need to take control of the situation and start making decisions for them as quite clearly they are incapable of doing it themselves . By all means go for social services assessment but as other posters have said and in fact in my experience ,if the person with dementia is self-funding you are very much left on your own to sort things out.

If you have power of attorney for finances you can sort out carers yourself , telling your father-in-law that the GP has told you to organise it. Of course they will scream shout be rude and aggressive no doubt . Because you and your husband in my opinion need to be a solid stand together when dealing with this. Can both of you go in the room and sort out the situation with your mother-in-law ? However as I've already stated earlier it does sound to me both your in-laws need a whole team to look after them and that will only be achieved in a care home. If your father-in-law refuses to leave the room and refuses to allow care for your mother-in-law then you're going to have a lot of difficulty getting them to a care home. I'm sure others will be along soon who have managed this and give better advice

 

[Dizzylizzy]

Thanks guys for all your help. I got up this morning to find mum in law on loo doing no2 with loo door wide open! The loo is off my kitchen! I think I've had enough!

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Dizzylizzy, sorry to hear about your situation, really difficult for you and your husband. The only thing I can suggest as a temporary solution is to arrange personal care for the MIL and get your Husband tell them that the Doctor has arranged it to help them out. The carers will then have to encourage them to accept the help. It may or may not work but is it worth a try whilst you look for a more permanent solution. All the best.

 

[canary]

If your FIL will only accept advice from a man, could you specifically ask for male carers to come in to help your MIL?

 

[Dizzylizzy]

Date Today 21:34




Thanks so much for all your postsl! I really was at breaking point last night! I read all the help that was given, I confronted my father's in law this morning, I was firm and polite that it wasn't acceptable that she was wareing the same clothes for 4weeks! This was after i found a pooed towel the my washing machine from her. He said no it was in hand, no I repeated it again and he just walked away! No fight no finger pointing nothing! Phew! Later she had a clean skirt on! Not clean top but a start! Yay! Felt good had already rang the doctor and left message,how bad things were I actually broke down on the phone to receptionist!. I now rang adult services again!! Spoke to a different lady and poured it all out! Guess what! Someone is coming out this week to assess!! What a relief!! i told her I had put them on the list for assisted living out of desperation, she said she would contact them. When hubby came home was expecting fireworks from father in law, nothing! In fact hubby went in and discussed about assisted living! How his mum needs more care than we can give, he agreed! She has got worse and needs help! Wow!!! Couldn't believe it!! But holding breath till the assessment!
So thank you so much! Because without this forum and lovely people like yourselves, I don't think I'd have had the will to do what has been done today.
Thank you

 

[Shedrech]

so good to read your latest post @Dizzylizzy
keep posting to let us know how things work out
well done