Lost

Timron

Registered User
Nov 28, 2008
4
0
Northamptonshire
I have only signed up this morning,and thought it might help to empty my head a little to people who might understand the pain I am going through.

My mother is currentley being assessed for Alzheimers and was being cared for by my Father with family support.Sadly he passed away suddenly 2 weeks ago which has really changed our circumstances and the safety and security of our mother.
My Fathers death has not really been recognised by Mum, who was shouting at the funeral Director when we were trying to make the arrangements because she did not want to have all this fuss and pay all the money because she did not know who she was burying. This along with her not knowing who we, her 4 children are with us continually being accused of stealing and hiding things was almost to much to bare. We interned my fathers ashes yesterday which was very painful, it broke my heart to realise that I have actually lost both my parents.It was the last straw for my emotions when my Mum told me that she did not want me at the service because I had nothing to do with her.
Just to add to the pain, Dad never left a will so we have all the finacial pressure of trying to deal with that. Also because Mum is not of sound mind I am coming up against all sorts of brick walls whilst trying to sort everything out for her. I have to apply to become her deputy which is a very lengthy process which will also cost a lot of money.
I feel very lost, I miss my farther very much but have also had no time to greive for him as my Mum is taking all our energy and focus. I am back at my home now for the weekend to try to get some energy back ready to return to the mess on monday.
I would be interested to hear if anyone else had a similer experience and how they coped with it, because I feel it is all to much at the moment.
Thanks for listening,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,M
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Timron

First of all I am not sure that having an email address for your user name is allowed - perhaps you could just use Timron?

Welcome to Talking Point. I hope you find it as supportive and helpful as I have done. I was really sorry to read about the loss of your father. It must be terribly difficult to deal with your feelings of loss of your father and having your mother's needs being screamed out at you. Maybe the loss of your father has highlighted just how much he was coping with and now that he is not there your mother's needs are that much more obvious.

I think you will need to fairly quickly get together with the rest of the family and decide how the needs are going to be met, taking into account that it doesn't get any easier:( There are lots of options but in order to make informed choices you need to know what the options are. Perhaps you could contact the local branch of the Alzheimers Society and ask for someone to visit you. There is also the Princess Royal Trust who are there to support carers.

I do wish you well in getting mum settled into a situation that has very much changed whether she realises it or not. We are always here on Talking Point - don't hesitate to use it as and when you need.

Love
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
0
Newport, Gwent
Dear Timron

Sending you heartfelt condolences on the passing of your father.

Having lost my own mum to AD just a short while ago, I wonder how you manage to get up in the morning to face another day, especially with the added stress and heartbreak you are clearly going through with your mum and on top of all that all the financial concerns also.

Just a couple of suggestions that might help you along the way. As your dad didn’t leave a Will, although there might be a cost implication here, I would certainly pass it all over to a solicitor who would not only guide you through the process of sorting out where you stand in relation to a family member taking over responsibility for the finances for mum, but I am sure they can write to Funeral Directors etc., asking that all invoices be submitted to them for settlement once Probate has been granted. Depending on your mums financial situation I believe that grants for funeral expenses can be applied for from the DHSS.

You do not mention if mum has a Social Worker, is she has, then they can assist you with practical solutions in relation to assistance with care for mum, if mum hasn’t, I would contact Social Services and request that someone call and see you and mum urgently. I am afraid in my experience it is often the case that ‘he who shouts loudest get attention’! They can also help you with applying for Attendance Allowance, Disability Living Allowance etc.,

Via your mums GP/Consultant you can request that mum be assigned to a Community Psychiatric Nurse.

With regard to how mum is with you, I know from my own experience that our loved ones who have the dreadful disease sometimes say things that deeply hurt us, try to hang onto ‘it’s the disease’, but I know how hard that it sometimes, especially as you are grieving too.

Please feel free to visit TP anytime, even if its only for a good old rant and moan, trust me, many of us do, and it does help.

My thoughts are with you.
Cate
 

Taffy

Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
1,314
0
Hello, and welcome to TP,

My deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. My sympathy also for the difficult situation you are now in. I hope that you get all the advice needed to help sort out the situation.

Regards, Taffy.
 

Valeria

Registered User
Sep 25, 2008
23
0
Staffordshire
Hi there,

I understand the part where you feel that you haven't grieved over your fathers death. I went through the same with my mother, she passed on two years ago, and Peter my husband, has had AD for just over three years now. I did not have time to grieve either.
I think it best if you see a solicitor, and perhaps sort it out with your siblings who is going to have Power of Attorney. Also what arrangements can be made for your mother.

You have my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your father.

Take Care...Anya...Wife & Carer.
 

taylorcat

Registered User
Jun 18, 2006
171
0
W.Scotland
Timron,

Sorry to hear about your Dad.

I also found myself in this position last Christmas when my Dad passes away, although he did leave a Will.

As other posters say, a Solicitor and the Office of the Public Guardian. will be of help to you. The OPG have a website which may answer some questions for you.

Good Luck.
 

Timron

Registered User
Nov 28, 2008
4
0
Northamptonshire
Thank you

Thank all of you who came back to me with advise on how to move forward with my situation. I have been to see a solicitor now who was very helpful and I feel that everything is a bit more controllable for me now. I am having a few days at home now after being with mum, I need to get some strength back and try to grieve for my Dad.
Thanks again for the advice and I am sure I will continue to join you all every now and then when I feel alone.
Timron
 

julieann15

Registered User
Jun 13, 2008
2,012
0
Leicestershire
Don't wait to feel alone

Timron
Don't wait to feel alone- dip in anytime- there is a lot on here to help you- not just in a crisis- My mum is at the beginning- I am here to get the support I need perhaps not now but later.
Maybe in the future I may be offering advice to newcomers like yourself- who knows?

Julie xx