Unexpected Empathy First time I had felt like this

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
744
0
My OH, ran a garage for 45yrs, drove all round the country doing recoveries, etc etc, had a visit last night from one of the mechanics whom he recruited 7 yrs ago, and is now leaving the garage to work elsewhere. We don’t socialise now at all with other folks, apart from family, so when the mechanic came around last night with his wife and wee kiddie, to basically say cheerio, it was quite awkward. The OH didn’t quite remember him or her, how long they had been there, where they were going, and they really hadn’t spoken to him since he was diagnosed, and at the end of the half hour visit and they mercifully left, I felt really sorry for my OH, as if he had been a specimen of sorts. He was repeating himself, telling stories about his youth, stuff I hear all the time, but it’s like i didn’t want these people to see him as a failing being. Weird because I am the first to tell people about his Alzheimer’s, but maybe on my terms. I certainly don’t want him to be laughed at or pitied. First time I had felt like this.
 

Lirene

Registered User
Sep 15, 2019
243
0
My heart aches, it is the worst thing in the world having to watch someone you love more than anything, disappearing before your very eyes. My husband now has a ‘lost’ and haunted look and I wish I could make all the torment and hurt go away.
I am so sorry, we carers have to be brave, very brave he’s got you and that is the main thing. As hard as it is at times, and believe me it’s the hardest thing - ever, you’ll always be there by his side fighting his battles and loving him forever. My thoughts and prayers xx
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
1,045
0
I hate hearing my mum say that she is stupid when she can't remember something. For some reason, mislaying her keys makes her really upset and cross with herself.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
I feel like that about my mum.
She was such a kind person and had so many friends in her life before ........... I don't want people to look at her with pity or impatience. She is no less deserving of kindness, politeness and humanity then she was before the ravages of dementia.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
972
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Their visit was meant as an act of kindness and gratitude for your husband. Sadly, I am sure they did not mean to inflict a problem . They sound as if their intentions were quite good.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
My OH, ran a garage for 45yrs, drove all round the country doing recoveries, etc etc, had a visit last night from one of the mechanics whom he recruited 7 yrs ago, and is now leaving the garage to work elsewhere. We don’t socialise now at all with other folks, apart from family, so when the mechanic came around last night with his wife and wee kiddie, to basically say cheerio, it was quite awkward. The OH didn’t quite remember him or her, how long they had been there, where they were going, and they really hadn’t spoken to him since he was diagnosed, and at the end of the half hour visit and they mercifully left, I felt really sorry for my OH, as if he had been a specimen of sorts. He was repeating himself, telling stories about his youth, stuff I hear all the time, but it’s like i didn’t want these people to see him as a failing being. Weird because I am the first to tell people about his Alzheimer’s, but maybe on my terms. I certainly don’t want him to be laughed at or pitied. First time I had felt like this.
In 1998 we visited Johns family in New Zealand and we were both dismayed at the nonsense his brother talked. There was no mention of possible dementia and we knew nothing about the symptoms at that time. We concluded that he was drinking a lot more alcohol than had been his norm in the past.

Your description of your husband reminds me of that experience and is the reason that I was very open with everyone once John was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s as his brother had been. It is an illness of the mind and no more reason to hide it than a broken leg. The young people were good enough to visit and I’m sure would have been sympathetic. Pity comes from the heart and is not such a bad thing.
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
237
0
I know how you feel but the fact that you're feeling empathy might help you to cope, as it does with me. Whenever I start to get frustrated or irritated with my husband, who has had vascular dementia for 4 years, I pause and try and imagine how anxious and confused he must feel. I'm only human and sometimes get cross but I tell him immediately that I'm sorry and that it's only cos I'm a bit tired. Then I give him a hug and all is well...for a while.
I find it's best to be up-front about his illness, even with strangers he comes into contact with, as I never know what he's about to blurt out to them. I quietly say, 'He has dementia,' and I find everyone is then very tolerant and understanding.
As a family we sometimes laugh between ourselves at some of the funny things he's said when he's got the facts mixed up, but this lightens the sadness a bit and doesn't mean we don't love hm with all our hearts.
These days I'm sure practically everyone has a family member, a friend, or a neighbour with the disease and so are more aware of the symptoms.
I don't mind if anyone pities him or me, or both of us. At least they are showing they care. I hope this message gives a bit of comfort to you. Good luck.