I’m sick and fed up! Dad coming home after respite!

TNJJ

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May 7, 2019
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I phoned dad today at the home to ask if he wanted to stay for Xmas..The answer was a resounding “No”.
He has “capacity “ for food as they have asked him if he understands the consequences.
He doesn’t understand the consequences of him not being at home alone over night and he has refused anyone overnight.He cannot use a phone or his lifeline but hey ho.Doc says he has “capacity “so although I can call a best interest there will be no point.
They are having “Victor Meldrew “ today.He is not in a good mood.
That won’t change when he is home .It will be the usual “I’m bored “! Well,he is going to have to suck it up I’m afraid.!
I’m going to hand over to the carers the shopping and checking on the medication.Im stepping back.
They can also take him out.

Doctor prescribed Stemitil for dad for travel sickness.The home told me that they have been giving it to him 3 X a day as prescribed by the doctor.
Apparently it is an antipsychotic drug .
I have always thought dad might be bi-polar as he has always been up and down with his moods.He hasn’t had Stemitil for a few days now so definitely moody..

I’m going with the flow. What will be ,will be..
 

Sarasa

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Apr 13, 2018
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Ooh ****** @TNJJ . I think stepping back is the way to go, and see what happens. This whole ‘capacity’ thing is a nightmare.
 
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pevensey

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Feb 14, 2012
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South East Coast.
I think so too.Today I could cry!!
I'm feel for you for TNJJ, it seems the PWD just has to say what they want to do and they can because they have got " CAPACITY " I know my hubby HASNT got that as you say they dont knownthe consequences of being home or if they do they couldnt give a dam what the person at home is going through caring for them, I'm going through the same thing and st the moment I feel like just leaving the house and visiting an friend or relative a fair distance away and phoning S/S when I'm about an 2 hrs away and saying hes on his own and I'll be gone for a few days so you had better go and pick him up and put him somewhere safe, i would love to fo that but obviously wouldn't. I'm really ready to throw the towel in. Keep strong TNJJ there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you I hope. But this CAPACITY thing is nightmare and I dont know how I'm going to get round it, take care TNJJ and be good to yourself.
 

TNJJ

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I'm feel for you for TNJJ, it seems the PWD just has to say what they want to do and they can because they have got " CAPACITY " I know my hubby HASNT got that as you say they dont knownthe consequences of being home or if they do they couldnt give a dam what the person at home is going through caring for them, I'm going through the same thing and st the moment I feel like just leaving the house and visiting an friend or relative a fair distance away and phoning S/S when I'm about an 2 hrs away and saying hes on his own and I'll be gone for a few days so you had better go and pick him up and put him somewhere safe, i would love to fo that but obviously wouldn't. I'm really ready to throw the towel in. Keep strong TNJJ there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you I hope. But this CAPACITY thing is nightmare and I dont know how I'm going to get round it, take care TNJJ and be good to yourself.
Hi.I have ended everything back to the carers.Shopping meds’ etc. Also informed the doctor and will be informing SS..I’m stepping back..Let the fun begin! Dad has got “capacity “ but cannot use a phone in emergency..Ah well!
 

Jale

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Jul 9, 2018
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Oh lord TNJJ, I really feel for you, if anyone listened to my Mum who is in a nursing home they would be convinced that she has capacity, it is only when they REALLY listen that you can understand that she has none. I do get annoyed when strangers think they know better than we do.
 

TNJJ

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Oh lord TNJJ, I really feel for you, if anyone listened to my Mum who is in a nursing home they would be convinced that she has capacity, it is only when they REALLY listen that you can understand that she has none. I do get annoyed when strangers think they know better than we do.
Yep.Funny how they can base it on about 10mins conversation..
 

TNJJ

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I'm feel for you for TNJJ, it seems the PWD just has to say what they want to do and they can because they have got " CAPACITY " I know my hubby HASNT got that as you say they dont knownthe consequences of being home or if they do they couldnt give a dam what the person at home is going through caring for them, I'm going through the same thing and st the moment I feel like just leaving the house and visiting an friend or relative a fair distance away and phoning S/S when I'm about an 2 hrs away and saying hes on his own and I'll be gone for a few days so you had better go and pick him up and put him somewhere safe, i would love to fo that but obviously wouldn't. I'm really ready to throw the towel in. Keep strong TNJJ there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you I hope. But this CAPACITY thing is nightmare and I dont know how I'm going to get round it, take care TNJJ and be good to yourself.
Hi How did it go at the doctors ??
 

TNJJ

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Well, carers informed and they are going to take dad out for 3 hours a fortnight and do his shopping with him.They will go in a wheelchair taxi and have a coffee etc and do his shopping with him..
They have agreed to also organise his medication etc.

I have told them that I will only be in one day a week now so they can take over responsibility.
I will tell dad tomorrow or Monday when he comes home

His choice whether he goes with the carers shopping or not.. We shall see.
 

Sarasa

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Apr 13, 2018
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Stick to your guns @TNJJ, and don't get sucked into doing more than you want to. Hopefully it won't be long till everyone realises its in your dad's best interests to be in a care home.
 

TNJJ

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Stick to your guns @TNJJ, and don't get sucked into doing more than you want to. Hopefully it won't be long till everyone realises its in your dad's best interests to be in a care home.
Thank you.Hopefully so.He won’t be happy but nothing I can do about that.
 

silver'lantern

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Apr 23, 2019
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i am so sorry to read you are going through this. it so sad we are having to do this to get anywhere. they wear us out and we are still expected to do more. we shouldnt have to put people at risk to get the help we need. but it seems the only way.
you made the only decision you could. i hope it ends well for you and dad
best wishes
 

TNJJ

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i am so sorry to read you are going through this. it so sad we are having to do this to get anywhere. they wear us out and we are still expected to do more. we shouldnt have to put people at risk to get the help we need. but it seems the only way.
you made the only decision you could. i hope it ends well for you and dad
best wishes
Thank you.
 

TNJJ

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Dad is going to be in a good mood (Not)Tuesday as going to be got up at 7am. His carer is going to come at 11.25 to see if he wants to go out .(Shopping already got as ASDA delivered).Maybe he could go Xmas shopping!:pDad has never done that in his life so I bet that is a No.
He has 1carer until 16.00 when another takes over.Then into bed at at 18.00..:I’m so not going to be here.
Dad has been getting up late and going to bed late (his choice). He won’t be having any choice when home but you cannot have everything
 

pevensey

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Feb 14, 2012
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Hi How did it go at the doctors ??
Sorry TNJJ, only just seen you post, yes it was ok, he listend while I rambled on and said that I must put for permanent care, but he didnt tell me how to. I told him the big full stop on that was the big word CAPACITY. he said he would back me up if I needed him to.
Hubby would VERY DEFINITLY refuse again to go i into permanent care, before they said he had capacity, and knows what hes doing, BUT I know he definitly hasnt now hes gone downhill bigtime this last few weeks . As I said in my later post he refused respite so I could go to bristol hospital, refused to speak to the manager of the lovely carehome when she came and just when I thought I had a good plan B of getting extra carers in he was adamant they weren't coming he wouldn't let them in , . He thinks he can stay on his own which is madness. He cant get up the stairs he can hardly walk he has falls he doesn't know how to adjust the heating thermostat , theres not much he can do really BUT HE HAS FULL CAPACITY they say. But I'm going with my daughte I've made up my mind so not sure what's happening yet
 

TNJJ

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Sorry TNJJ, only just seen you post, yes it was ok, he listend while I rambled on and said that I must put for permanent care, but he didnt tell me how to. I told him the big full stop onnthatnwasnthe big word CAPACITY. he said he would back me up if I needed him to.
Hubby would VERY DEFINITLY refuse again to go i into permanent care, before they said he had capacity, BUT I know he definitly hasnt now hes gone downhill bigtime this last few weeks . As I said in my later post he refused respite somi could go to bristol hospital, refused to speak to the manager of the lovely carehome when she came and just when I thought I had a good plan B of getting extra carers in he was adamant they weren't coming he wouldn't let them in , . He thinks he can stay on his own which is madness. He cant getnupmstairs he can hardly walk he has falls he doesn't know how to adjust the heating thermostat , theres not much he can do really BUT HE HAS FULL CAPACITY they say. But I'm going with my daughte I've made up my mind so not sure what's happening yet
Good on you! You must definitely go with your daughter. If he has full capacity and his answer to help is the default "No" so be it...
 

pevensey

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Feb 14, 2012
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South East Coast.
Dad is going to be in a good mood (Not)Tuesday as going to be got up at 7am. His carer is going to come at 11.25 to see if he wants to go out .(Shopping already got as ASDA delivered).Maybe he could go Xmas shopping!:pDad has never done that in his life so I bet that is a No.
He has 1carer until 16.00 when another takes over.Then into bed at at 18.00..:I’m so not going to be here.
Dad has been getting up late and going to bed late (his choice). He won’t be having any choice when home but you cannot have everything
That's what I planned to do, have carers in during the day a few times and in evening to get him ready for bed but he said a definite NO. I wish I could be brave and just go and phone them when I was far enough away to tell them to come and get him because hes a danger to himself he . Would have to go then even if it was kicking and screaming.
 

TNJJ

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May 7, 2019
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That's what I planned to do, have carers in during the day a few times and in evening to get him ready for bed but he said a definite NO. I wish I could be brave and just go and phone them when I was far enough away to tell them to come and get him because hes a danger to himself he . Would have to go then even if it was kicking and screaming.
Dad would have said No too. But I didn’t ask him. His choice to stay or go.For once it won’t be me lugging him around in his wheelchair.
 

pevensey

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Feb 14, 2012
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South East Coast.
Dad would have said No too. But I didn’t ask him. His choice to stay or go.For once it won’t be me lugging him around in his wheelchair.
Well done TNJJ, actually I've now secretly done similar to that this morning , I asked his carer who comes in to do his shower and get dressed in morning about extra carers during the day, mid morning and do his lunch, then mid afternoon, and shes going to ask when she is back at office andbgetnit sorted. Hubby womt know though till I've gone, I just hope he let's them in. At least now I've got my son staying overnight thank goodness, but hes not back from work till about 7-8pm and leaves in morning about 7 am BUT I think I've nearly got it under control. I just wish I could be more like you TNJJ you sound very determined and you dont take no no nonsense, my daughter is always telling me I've got to stand up to people, especially hubby.. I hope your new regime goes well and your able to take a back seat from this thankless caring role.
 

TNJJ

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Well done TNJJ, actually I've now secretly done similar to that this morning , I asked his carer who comes in to do his shower and get dressed in morning about extra carers during the day, mid morning and do his lunch, then mid afternoon, and shes going to ask when she is back at office andbgetnit sorted. Hubby womt know though till I've gone, I just hope he let's them in. At least now I've got my son staying overnight thank goodness, but hes not back from work till about 7-8pm and leaves in morning about 7 am BUT I think I've nearly got it under control. I just wish I could be more like you TNJJ you sound very determined and you dont take no no nonsense, my daughter is always telling me I've got to stand up to people, especially hubby.. I hope your new regime goes well and your able to take a back seat from this thankless caring role.
I have just come from the home.Told dad I’m stepping back as going to spend more time with my mum(divorced from dad and about 2miles down the road,)He isn’t happy about going home and having the carers in more. I have told him that he can go out with them or not.(He has a male carer with him most of Tuesday.Not one of dads favourites as he doesn’t talk..lol) I said as he doesn’t much either they should be alright.
He started to cry then and one of my friends who works there looked at me. They had never seen him do that before.
I told them he is always like that with me.

Dad has been doing a lot more walking with his frame and having a lot more company.
He won’t be doing much of that at his home as he lives alone.

I got told that he never said about going home.
I replied that I phoned you and spoke to you about staying till Xmas as I won’t be around (no public transport).I said You replied “Not particularly “ so I arranged care at home..
He doesn’t remember one day from another .

I said to him that you made the decision so you cannot blame me..
Not a happy chappy.
Ah well..Them’s the breaks!