I'm just feeling a bit down but glad of support from TP

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Hi Apologies for writing on here and I know there is not much I can do, but I'm just feeling very overwhelmed and tearful. I feel a bit of a fraud as there are others on here that have it alot harder, but I just feel like I don't want to do this caring DIL malarkey. Its not that I don't care its just the responsibility probably eveything thats happened in the last couple months has highlighted things more and the bank incident which made me feel like whats the point in even being honest and to have things thrown back at you. As I am writing I have just seen on the TV about TP and the compassion readers all have, but highlights the increase and pressure on the support services, it's the same in the Channel Islands and the care home space seems to be at breaking point. So thanks to all that write and give support when we don't even know who they are in real life. I know I just need to tell myself to get it together and get on with it and use the car analogy, you are in a tunnel in a car and feel you are not getting anyway, but there is a chink of light at the end, you will come out the other end eventually. Once again thanks to everyone.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,652
0
South East
Morning @Donkeyshere , don't apologise, that is what tp is here for . I'm sorry you are feeling that way, I don't have any wise words to offer , can only say I hear you and I get it. Hope you feel a bit brighter soon,Take care.
 

charlie10

Registered User
Dec 20, 2018
394
0
Oh hugs from NZ @Donkeyshere.....I'm a distance carer, so have it 'easier', but I can imagine how hard and frustrating it is for you, particularly when you read about the way things are organised in the UK, but not where you are! (some things are different over here too :() Take care, try to do something nice for yourself x
 

Avis

Registered User
Nov 2, 2019
106
0
My day was yesterday. By the evening I just had to get away by myself and have a good cry. I know all it did was give me a headache and runny nose but did feel it was a bit of a release. This caring business is physically and emotionally draining and I am sure there are many people who have their down days too. I am in Australia but we have the same issues. I try to take it day by day but every now and then it really gets to me.Sending you some virtual hugs (((o))). Hang in there; I will be one of many thinking of you.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Hi all thanks for the good wishes, the MIL is now talking herself about going into a home and as bad as I feel about it I think it would be best all round. We have the social worker coming around Monday to re-assess her after her recent spell in hospital and we are going to discuss it then. Not looking forward to it as I am her carer and she relies on me physically and mentally but I think we all get to a point when we can do no more.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
2,967
0
cornwall
Hi all thanks for the good wishes, the MIL is now talking herself about going into a home and as bad as I feel about it I think it would be best all round. We have the social worker coming around Monday to re-assess her after her recent spell in hospital and we are going to discuss it then. Not looking forward to it as I am her carer and she relies on me physically and mentally but I think we all get to a point when we can do no more.
Yes we all have that..But we are only human.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,138
0
I think from the sound of it you have reached that point. I reached it but didn't admit it until after Mum went into a nursing home. It wasn't our choice, she went there from hospital and it was obvious that she wouldn't be able to go home, it was only then that I realised just how bad things had got. I hope that whatever happens you will be comfortable with the result

Take care and sending hugs
 

Petunia59

Registered User
Oct 11, 2019
67
0
Know how you feel Donkeyshere. I also get totally overwhelmed and think that nobody understands how I feel. I also get the fraud feeling as I'm not a 24/7 carer and my PWD is nowhere near as bad as some. My PWD is adamant she's not EVER going in a home although she tells me every day how depressed and scared when she's on her own. I can't even see the chink of light at the end of the tunnel!
 

Amanda2014

Registered User
Aug 30, 2017
13
0
Hi Donkeyshere. Just letting you know I also understand where you are coming from and feel for you. Honestly, if your MIL is happy to consider a care home, then I'd encourage that. I've had so many people tell me how relieved they were to get their life back after their parent went into a home, no matter how much it pained them to reach that decision. You're amazing to have taken on so much so far. Keep heading towards that light! x
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
0
So sorry you feel rubbish. I hope you’re recovering your equilibrium a bit.

Mum is in a care home and I am glad. They are lovely and she has settled and seems as happy as she was at home. It was incredibly hard to imagine this step and we avoided it but life was very very hard. She had a chest infection and went from hospital to the nursing home. I think what struck me was the fact that residential homes refused to take her because she was too difficult. My 84 yr old father had cared for her on his own...with limited support from me until then.
 

silver'lantern

Registered User
Apr 23, 2019
208
0
others seemingly having worse doesn't make your any less. we all have our limits. and especially with dementia, all doing a different journey along the same track. so each seem different but not necessarily worse. one broken leg hurts just the same even when sitting next to someone with two broken legs ...them being worse doesnt lessen your pain. so never feel guilty for feeling your despair. its hard work and as well as the physical its emotionally draining. to top it all lack of sleep or empathy we become disheartened and weary. the traumas and tribulations seem to all come at us and never stop. add to that tired and weary and its hard to get past it all. but never feel a fraud for needing a vent! having the pressure valve of coming on here with people to listen and understand helps stop us going under
best wishes
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
Hello @Donkeyshere, I hope you're feeling brighter today. It's no wonder you have feeling-low-days, you carry everything and everyone and that's a heavy weight to bear. From reading your posts you give110% to your MiL's care and during her good spells she knows how much you do for her and shows her appreciation. You must be very dear to her.
MiL being poorly and all that horrible bank business plus BIL's hopeless (but anticipated) behaviour has been playing on your mind and bought you down.
Have a good moan and a good cry and arise from the tissues!
Maybe the time has come for you all to consider whether MiL needs more round the clock supervision, it sounds as if she wouldn't be averse to it, but you carry the load, so please do a little something that will lift your spirits and make you happy (for me that would be eating a punnet of strawberries).
Spoil yourself for once.
xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Wow you lot are amazing and I would thank you all individually but even though I am a fast typist (yes learnt the old fashioned way!) it might take me a while. Your compassion never fails and and you are all right. @Dimpsy goodness you really have read my rants/vents and posts you have put my feelings down to a T and your kind thoughts over my care yes 110% is all I have ever tried to do. As for the BIL since asking him to come and see his mum you'd have thought he'd have popped over for the weekend a 40 minute flight, but no same old same old silence on the old mobile (I still have a little hope that he will come for her 90th in a few weeks but we shall see). @Dimpsy I must admit I had to go and have a shower when I read your post, (to get the soap out my eyes if you get my gist!) it was so understanding.

I had to go back into the bank yesterday to get some bills paid from the MIL's account as they said we could for medical things and the ironic thing is, because one of them had no account details, they just gave me the cash and told me to go and pay it! I had a quick word with one of the nice ladies that took down my complaint and I said, well despite all that happened, the best thing is that lessons have been learnt and no one else will be treated like I was. She said oh yes you can say that for certain, there have been alot of discussions over how this matter was handled.

So yes I am feeling a bit better and I am just off in my car, via the tunnel to buy the strawberries! Once again many thanks I will fill you in on Monday after the SW has been.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
There comes a time @Donkeyshere when we reach the end of the road as far as taking full responsibility for care and being able to meet the needs of the person with dementia.

It sounds as if that time is now here.

You have done your best, you are not a machine, and it`s time to share the caring with a team.

Good luck
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Thanks I have just spent an hour with the MIL doing my counselling bit as she is in tears and says you shouldn't be allowed to live this long. Then she says but I don't want to go in a home but its not fair on you but I'd rather stay here - I mean what do you say, well actually I've had enough as well and I don't want to do this anymore. Apologies that sounds so callous but I know you all know how it feels so I don't feel too bad! Obviously I didn't but the old guilt fairy was sitting heavy on my shoulder! I've since pushed it off!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
well actually I've had enough as well and I don't want to do this anymore.

Which is why it`s time for difficult decisions. The time does come and it`s best faced.

Who knows! Your mother in law may really enjoy being with company in a more social peer environment.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,274
0
Thanks I have just spent an hour with the MIL doing my counselling bit as she is in tears and says you shouldn't be allowed to live this long. Then she says but I don't want to go in a home but its not fair on you but I'd rather stay here - I mean what do you say, well actually I've had enough as well and I don't want to do this anymore. Apologies that sounds so callous but I know you all know how it feels so I don't feel too bad! Obviously I didn't but the old guilt fairy was sitting heavy on my shoulder! I've since pushed it off!

if I had a penny for every time Mum said - you shouldn’t be allowed to live this long ....well let’s just say I’d have a lot!

I’m glad you’ve said enough is enough. You sound world weary. how sad is it that carers have to get to this point.

We all tend to forget that there is life outside of caring ( in whatever form it takes!)

Dementia leaves it’s mark on all family members one way & another.

Good luck
Xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
if I had a penny for every time Mum said - you shouldn’t be allowed to live this long ....well let’s just say I’d have a lot!

I’m glad you’ve said enough is enough. You sound world weary. how sad is it that carers have to get to this point.

We all tend to forget that there is life outside of caring ( in whatever form it takes!)

Dementia leaves it’s mark on all family members one way & another.

Good luck
Xx

Never a truer word said.