Good morning to you
@Rosalind297 and to
@totallyconfused (for starting the whole thing off and making my brain hurt trying to clarify my thoughts!)
In fact my middle of the night thread isn't too far removed from your position.
I was trying to say I don't like the word proud, but without upsetting anyone.
Pride comes from achieving and attainment, and we're never going to win against dementiia. It doesn't feel like the right feeling to have, never mind 'pride comes before a fall', 'pride is one of the seven deadly sins'.
Reading other people's posts made me realise a long time ago that (so far) I tread the path lightly, my mum is mostly continent, good appetite, mobile with an arm to support and walking stick, good natured and good company. But that doesn't stop me having days when I scream inside my head with the way OH and I are 'tethered' to this lovely woman who's arrival in our house has changed our relationship with each other and with our children.
This caring role has aged us both but how can we not continue to care for the person who gave me life and a wonderful childhood, and with us feels happy, content and wanted.
Only God knows what a horrible person I am inside because I don't want mum living with us, I want the lovely life OH and I had planned for retirement.
I suppose I feel especially robbed because today OH is having day surgery before a big heart operation.
I should be with him, but can't because mum can't be left on her own and there was no time to organise care, the easiest way was for me to stay at home and I love/hate mum because it's her fault I can't do what I should.
So, do I feel proud?
No, and I don't want to, I take each day as it comes and try not to think about the alternative life we had mapped out; that may or may not happen.
What I do feel is satisfaction that I have done my best under circumstances not chosen by me.
I'm still not sure what I've written is a true reflection of how I feel, it's a testing question. Is it a good thing to examine feelings? Once that box is opened all sorts of emotions tumble out.