Mum would like dad to go into care home !

[sjbss5]

My mum has been dads carer for many years. He is 87 with alzheimers and vascular dementia , he refuses all types of care expecting mum to cope and care. Mum is 82 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia in Jan 2019, she has incontinence issues, diverticulitis, high blood pressure , hiatus hernia and is a worrier ! We have had recent social services involvement due to dad escalating temper, occasional violence. They took him to a day centre twice for a few hours (he was against going so they thought a few hours to try it out ), to give mum a break and rang me (daughter and main carer to both ) to say the day centre would now ring and arrange for him to go in regularly for a few hours to start with and then in the hope of building it up ! The manager of the day centre came yesterday and it was all arranged with dad to go in today for a few hours, he had agreed. Today though when I went to my parents house, mum said he was refusing to get out of bed and was refusing to go to the day centre.
Mum is crying daily now and is basically getting to the end of her tether, I have arranged an appointment with a new social worker because mum feels the time has come for him to go into full time care, as she has run out of will power to live. I know dad will refuse 100% to go into care, he will not go into a day centre for a few hours so he will definately refuse care full time . We have LPA in place , but what happens if they say dad has capacity to say no to a care home, mum cannot carry on as is and nothing will change apart from mum deteriorating. Mum has done enough and deserves a bit of life before her own dementia takes its toll. It may be the only option is very drastic, she moves out and tells social services he is now alone as he refuses care of any type but cannot take care of himself. He can cook and make himself a cup of tea, alone and can be left but has to be made to bath etc and change clothes and has difficulty getting his medication correct ! If mum does go out though, life is difficult when she returns. He will not communicate or discuss anything if he is against it,so life is difficult. We have tried and tried to make life good for him but nothing we can do will wind back his clock and make him young again , which is what he wants. Any advice received would be useful , thanks

 

[AliceA]

Just so sorry for you and your mum too. We are in the same age group.
I would try to get a advocate there is a statutory service. Try searching for Total Voice.
Each county has different criteria it seem for care policies. Xxx

 

[Whisperer]

As the previous responder advised seek the services of an advocate. Has your mother had a carers assessment since her own diagnosis? Does she have a social worker appointed for herself?

 

[Guzelle]

My husband is exactly your dad he wouldn’t go to day centre or let me go anywhere and i was crying almost everyday. He could be verbally abusive or aggressive. I needed an operation in august on my eye so he had to into respite. He refused and said he could take care of himself which he could only manage a cup of tea on a good day!

He got offered a carer to take him out one afternoon a week from the mental health team i accepted it and the lady called Wendy came she just chatted to him the first week and said she would take him out next week. He agreed but when she had gone he said he wasn’t going. I agreed with him knowing she would turn up anyway. I didn’t mention it again and she turned up and wouldn’t take no for an answer so he had to go. He said he had enjoyed it when he got back and would go again! She came every week until he went into the home.

I booked his respite and while he was out I packed his bag. On the day I told him we were going for coffee and took him to the home. The staff were very good and took him for lunch and told me to go and leave them to it.
He is still there 10 weeks later and is quite settled now, it was hard and I feel guilty but I couldn’t carry on looking after him on my own and I knew he was getting worse all the time.

 

[Bem]

Yes, all this sounds horribly familiar. I had to use various 'dubious' methods to get my OH to go to a care home for day respite, then, in spite of huge & angry protests he ended up going quite happily 3 times a week! Now I've had to take him into permanent care - the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had to 'lie' to even get him into the car! There was a horrendous drama when I left him, but now, 9 weeks later, he's happily settled - apart from when he sees me, & he becomes very angry & upset. As soon as I've gone he's fine! In the end you simply have to do what you know is the right decision - for both of you. It's never going to be easy, & the guilt is a constant, unwelcome companion, but sadly this is the reality. Please don't get to breaking point, as I almost did.