I NEED to go back/home

[MaddieJ]

Not sure how to handle this when late afternoon or early evening my OH wants to go back or home and insists I help him. I go out with him either walking or driving and try to help him by fooling him. I drive round and we come home and he thinks its a different - sometimes. Most times he tells me it's the same place and asks why I am doing it to him. He tells me he only needs help from me and asks why I want to hurt him. We then go out again and this can carry on into the evening until he is happy it is home. I have tried telling him to stay here where he is safe and warm. Even pretended to ring the invisible owner of this place who has said we can stay. the night. He then turns it into a guest house and says we cannot afford it, etc. He is OK in the morning as he forgets what went on the night before. I am losing my patience now and am scared of causing confrontation and causing things to get worse for him. Do I tell him to go off on his own and hope he doesn't wander too far? Should I put my foot down and say we're staying. It's every night though! What to do?

 

[marionq]

This was one of the worst episodes I had in caring for my husband. Night after night wandering the neighbourhood. In exasperation I would let him go on his own following him on foot, later using his mobile to contact him, later again using a GPS tracker.

Things became so bad that SS said he should go into a home for his own safety and at that point his Psychiatrist started him on antidepressants - Trazodone - and he began to attend a day centre. After a rocky start when he escaped he gradually settled down and went from one day up to four days. That was the turning point for the better. So the end of 2015 he was almost in care and in fact I was able to keep him at home until he died last month.

You can't do it alone. You must get all the help that's out there whether that is medication or practical help.

 

[MaddieJ]

This was one of the worst episodes I had in caring for my husband. Night after night wandering the neighbourhood. In exasperation I would let him go on his own following him on foot, later using his mobile to contact him, later again using a GPS tracker.

Things became so bad that SS said he should go into a home for his own safety and at that point his Psychiatrist started him on antidepressants - Trazodone - and he began to attend a day centre. After a rocky start when he escaped he gradually settled down and went from one day up to four days. That was the turning point for the better. So the end of 2015 he was almost in care and in fact I was able to keep him at home until he died last month.

You can't do it alone. You must get all the help that's out there whether that is medication or practical help.

Thank you for your response and advice, I could write more but I'm asked to help him again with his pleading to please help him. How he cannot do it without my helping hand, etc. Here we go again!

 

[Flavelle]

Oh this sounds so tricky for you, respect and strength your way. All I can say is situations can change dramatically and the home your OH might be looking for may gradually relate to a childhood one. Therefore, given time, if you can cope now, the oddest things may become reassuring to him. Relating to personal experience my Dad was resentful and angry for being moved initially but as his brain related more to his childhood home and all his siblings somehow saying ‘goodnight’ in a very new situation calmed him. So a bedtime greeting to his wife, myself, my son, daughter, my son’s random mates...even if he got all the names wrong (relating them to his numerous siblings) it reassured him...as did all the replying voices before bed when he had been most disturbed. The evening mantra was reminiscent of the Waltons..reminiscent and reassuring after the rage of change.
All the best hanging in there.

 

[RosettaT]

Wanting to go 'home' isn't unusual at all. I went through something similar with my OH but i his case he 'needed' to go back to his place of work. As that was a military establishment there was no way I could allow that to happen so I went to see his doctor who prescribed respridone. Thankfully it woked within 36hrs and things calmed down.
Wanting to go home and asking for parents, which my OH occasionally mentioned, is usually a sign of looking for security and I found constant reassurace helped. I never leave the room without telling him where I'm going. I always touch his hand as I pass him and I'm always telling him I love him. It certainly worked for us.
I hope you get something sorted soon, like marionq said it was certainly the worse time I have encountered so far.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @MaddieJ, it sounds as though your OH is sun-downing, sadly that phase can go on for a while and my experience was all about going 'home' and Mum not recognising her surroundings (her own home). I assume you have checked for UTIs which can increase confusion? As you have already found there is no reasoning and you are developing your own strategies which is good. The next morning is no memory of the previous nights events. I'm afraid there is no solution I have heard of....however, it might be worth getting some form of tracking device if he does go AWOL. Sorry to hear of your troubles, stay strong.

 

[MaddieJ]

It has just stopped - he has agreed to go to bed here, nearly. At last. He has been very nasty in his words despite my being ever so kind and tried my best to cajole him all evening. I ended up in tears and locked myself in the loo so he couldn't see me cry. He would not have any empathy if he saw me in a state. I think it would make him worse.It has been the worst evening. I will contact SS on Monday. We have an appointment in January with Psychiatrist and hope something will come of that. I'll ask about some sort of antidepressant that might help his anxiety. I agree it is hard for him to feel secure when he is having the sundowning episode, they may help. I will certainly find out about day care if that helped others. We have a GPS tracker which he will not carry or not use even when hide it on him. He finds it and puts it back. Thanks for helpful responses.xx