NH Day

[Sooe]

Hi all its me AGAIN
Still never know whether to start new threads reply to others wish I was better with all this computer lark stuff and forums.
Well the day is here NH day (Nursing Home Day) the day we have been dreading. We always promised we wouldn't put MIL in one before this horrid dementia struck, every day we keep saying we could help her more at home, but its been such a hard time for all of us, lost Father in Law in June 2007, then Sister in Law few days before Xmas 07 since have been happily caring for MIL now left on her own, took up most of our lives but happy to keep her happy, then suddenly dementia struck and downhill so fast we couldn't breathe let alone blink, no other way we could see to manage, which makes me very very ashamed listening to you all coping so admirably for years and years with no complaints or even thinking of Nursing Home, but think we are going off our heads already, so how would we have coped 24hrs a day, the last year has crusified us, only me, hubby and daughter around now. With all the comments of Christmas and having to sell up homes etc etc sitting here feeling just so very sick and bad, we thought the last 2 Xmas's were unbearable now we have MIL going to her new home today, and have now lost her too or so it feels! Why do only bad things happen around Christmas time, used to be my very favourite time of year - NO MORE THO!! we just need to get through them now. We also now have the dreadful fees to find, and no help coming from any social services etc 'she has a home! sell it' is all we are told......easy peasy eh! then the fees still have to be found when the money runs out. Life is so unkind to dementia sufferers and also to their family left behind, its a cruel cruel way to end your life........We should have coped longer easier and not just given up, but could see no hope or way clear for us to proceed, you all are so very very strong, I so envy you your strength and determination. I thought losing my Mum and Dad early in their lives to cancer was cruel, this is so so much crueler. Least we still have her to cuddle and love, when she has good days.
Oh my goodness I have droaned on, just trying to avoid thoughts of Mum being got ready and taken to her new place. Fingers crossed she will at least be happy.

Thanks for listening and suffering my moaning again. Can't moan at family they have there own feelings to cope with too and I don't want to make it harder for them, so just try and put on a brave front and keep smiling as usual.
Thanks for listening and good luck and love to all.
Sooe

 

[Debby Short]

Sooe

My mum went into a NH in August this year (she is only 65), and like you I hated the thought of it, and my poor dad was devastated.

However, it has been the best thing my dad could have done. Although he still misses her terribly, he doesn't have to deal with all the violence, and actually this has stopped.

The staff are fabulous, and dad even does volentary work there.

Mum settled immediately.

I hope everything works out well for you all.

Debby
xxx

 

[Lynne]

Hi Sooe

I hope the day went reasonably well, and that MiL settles in soon.

It's a double edged sword isn't it, either you wear yourself out physically & mentally trying to cope caring yourself, OR you cut yourself to ribbons emotionally by facing up to reality and consider the alternative.

Don't let the Guilt-monster get to you!! Each case is different, each set of family circumstances is different, each dementia sufferer is different. You can't compare your MiL with my Mum, it would be like trying to equate oranges & bananas; you can only do your best with YOUR situation, and if the best solution is a NH, that's the way it is.

Best wishes

 

[gigi]

Hello Sooe,

I haven't been in your shoes...but sort of understand the pressures and stresses of how today must have been for you.

Hoping it's gone well and without any blips.

Do let us know...

love gigi xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sooe

I hope today wasn`t too painful for you and hope the worst is over.
Love xx

 

[Amy]

Hiya Sooe,
Can only reiterate what others have said.....you are doing the best thing for YOUR family in YOUR circumstances....how other people do or dont cope really doesnt matter.

I know the guilt; the thinking 'if only'. Now you must look to the present and look forward....how to make the best of the situation you are in...how best to love MIL in her new home.

I really think there are very few people who have the 'happy' Christmases that we seem to think everyone else is having. You havent lost your MIL, she is still there, still needs your love and care; she is changed, but she is still the person you love.

Let us know how today has gone.
Thinking of you.
Love Helen

 

[Cate]

Hi Sooe

I hope all went well for you all today. Give it time, and Im sure MIL will settle, and your guilt monsters go away once you see you have done the right thing.

We had to sell my mum's home to pay for her NH fees, however, Social Services paid for her whilst her home was on the market, we paid them back once it was sold. If her money from the sale had run out before she died, Social Services would then have paid for her. I would suggest you contact your MIL Social Worker and get him/her to sort this out for you.

Very best wishes.
Cate