Need some advice

[jonnieboy255]

My father has dementia, was diagnosed 2 years ago his issues now are largely around memory at the moment. He is 80 and he has a wife, 10 years younger. She is his registered carer. She has found coping difficult, I do have some sympathy, it is like wrestling an eel. I see a lot of the same themes and experiences on these threads here. Thanks to all, it is really useful, informative reading and has been and is supportive for me. I've learned a lot.

The reason for my post, is that I am looking for some advice. I had an inkling something was amiss with my fathers marriage. I have just been advised by his wife she is about to serve my father with a 'non molestation' order and her intention to start divorce proceedings. I was asked if I could be present for the serving of this order. Google search has advised what the order is but I would like to know if there is any advice on the following (I can engage a solicitor next week hopefully and I get the LPA changed, thankfully I am the second attorney but it will take some time) :

If in his current state of mind and capacity whether this should be accepted? Does he have a choice? Is it valid consider his condition and absence from the court where it was made?
There are also questions for me around his living conditions, they still live in the same house (his name is not on the deeds, he has lived in the house for about 20 years). I assume this order has implications for that.

It is not a great situation and I do feel it could have been handled with greater care than it currently is. I am amazed a judge has granted the order considering the circumstances as he could become homeless or imprisoned from what I've read so far.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My father has dementia, was diagnosed 2 years ago his issues now are largely around memory at the moment. He is 80 and he has a wife, 10 years younger. She is his registered carer. She has found coping difficult, I do have some sympathy, it is like wrestling an eel. I see a lot of the same themes and experiences on these threads here. Thanks to all, it is really useful, informative reading and has been and is supportive for me. I've learned a lot.

The reason for my post, is that I am looking for some advice. I had an inkling something was amiss with my fathers marriage. I have just been advised by his wife she is about to serve my father with a 'non molestation' order and her intention to start divorce proceedings. I was asked if I could be present for the serving of this order. Google search has advised what the order is but I would like to know if there is any advice on the following (I can engage a solicitor next week hopefully and I get the LPA changed, thankfully I am the second attorney but it will take some time) :

If in his current state of mind and capacity whether this should be accepted? Does he have a choice? Is it valid consider his condition and absence from the court where it was made?
There are also questions for me around his living conditions, they still live in the same house (his name is not on the deeds, he has lived in the house for about 20 years). I assume this order has implications for that.

It is not a great situation and I do feel it could have been handled with greater care than it currently is. I am amazed a judge has granted the order considering the circumstances as he could become homeless or imprisoned from what I've read so far.

This is a very complex issue and needs specialist advice. However, the non molestation order is probably going to be served ex parte, where it is granted without the other party being involved. This then allows time for your father to get a "defence " ,together. I'm wondering whether this order is as a result of agitation or aggression from your father, which of course doesn't have a wilful intent with dementia. I would be interested in how this thread develops. There may be other posters who have been through divorces in similar cases

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @jonnieboy255 and welcome to DTP

I personally cannot offer any advice but while you find a solicitor I wonder if it would help to talk to someone at on the Alzheimer’s helpline
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline
Now you have found us I hope you will continue to post, I’m pleased you have already found the forum helpful.

 

[jonnieboy255]

This is a very complex issue and needs specialist advice. However, the non molestation order is probably going to be served ex parte, where it is granted without the other party being involved. This then allows time for your father to get a "defence " ,together. I'm wondering whether this order is as a result of agitation or aggression from your father, which of course doesn't have a wilful intent with dementia. I would be interested in how this thread develops. There may be other posters who have been through divorces in similar cases

Hi

Thanks for the reply and advice. Working on getting the specialist advice in place. And yes you are right this is the most likely basis for the order. We have a reprieve till next week as there is no one available to today, to serve the order.

I may need to restart the thread under a different user, the admin team contacted me about my username and confidentiality. TBH it hadn't even crossed my mind.

 

[jonnieboy255]

Hello @jonnieboy255 and welcome to DTP

I personally cannot offer any advice but while you find a solicitor I wonder if it would help to talk to someone at on the Alzheimer’s helpline

Now you have found us I hope you will continue to post, I’m pleased you have already found the forum helpful.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply. I will be making that call.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

My Mum used to abuse my Dad - they both had dementia, it’s a common issue with certain types of dementia. Having experienced Mums aggression it can be terrifying from a frail old lady, it must be horrendous when it’s your marital partner.

it’s lovely that you have your Dads best interests at heart but sometimes as children we aren’t always aware of the bigger issues at play behind closed doors

 

[jonnieboy255]

My Mum used to abuse my Dad - they both had dementia, it’s a common issue with certain types of dementia. Having experienced Mums aggression it can be terrifying from a frail old lady, it must be horrendous when it’s your marital partner.

it’s lovely that you have your Dads best interests at heart but sometimes as children we aren’t always aware of the bigger issues at play behind closed doors

I couldn't agree with you more. I feel for them both, I really do. I just don't agree with how it will probably unfold, considering his condition. It could be done with more planning. It feels like a blunt instrument is being employed.

Thanks.

 

[silver'lantern]

I really not sure of this form of action. It seems a very strange way to go about it. But guess she must have her reasons, and probably feels quite desperate. I have been at the receiving end and it's scary, but they have little or no knowledge nor control of events if it's through his condition. If it is I am not sure this is the best way to go as he cant control it, so what is the point of the order.
My first question would be does he have mental capacity. Will he understand what is being said, or is that why you have been asked to be there. I know some partners struggle with abuse from their PWD it does happen....male or female its not gender specific. But this way of dealing with it seems a bit aggressive, I feel for them both she must have been in a right state to take it this route considering their circumstances, what a worry for you too. I hope it can be sorted out with best inteersts of both in mind.

 

[jonnieboy255]

I really not sure of this form of action. It seems a very strange way to go about it. But guess she must have her reasons, and probably feels quite desperate. I have been at the receiving end and it's scary, but they have little or no knowledge nor control of events if it's through his condition. If it is I am not sure this is the best way to go as he cant control it, so what is the point of the order.
My first question would be does he have mental capacity. Will he understand what is being said, or is that why you have been asked to be there. I know some partners struggle with abuse from their PWD it does happen....male or female its not gender specific. But this way of dealing with it seems a bit aggressive, I feel for them both she must have been in a right state to take it this route considering their circumstances, what a worry for you too. I hope it can be sorted out with best inteersts of both in mind.

Hi, thanks for your kind and sage words. It is indeed a complex situation. I feel for them both.

 

[jonnieboy255]

UPDATE:
My father was finally served with the order on Friday and the court case is scheduled for this week Wednesday. It hasn't given us a lot of time to organise some legal advice. I have been asking my dad to see a solicitor since I started the post, but he declined. I believe, he was in denial, which is understandable. I think the reality is setting in now and I have got some representation for him. It won't be until next week. So I will have to do the best I can on Wednesday.

 

[silver'lantern]

I hope it's handled sensitively for both sides