the grieving process

[totallyconfused]

currently grieving for my life lost-Im mid thirties but feel alot older, I have been caring for my mother a long time, I have nothing to show for all the hard years of work. People say I have the fact I cared for my mother but I feel a huge loss. I dont have my own home, job, I havent done much travelling, no relationships and I have missed out on having kids which I always wanted.

This role has changed me completely. The effects of which I will probably feel for years to come.

I also feel angry for my mother that this is how her life is gona end and anger at my family who didnt listen for years-telling me she needed to get used to living on her own, I needed to get a life, a job etc.

Its an awful journey. We are considering a home next year as I feel I am coming to an end in my role. What comes for me next, who knows, its really scary.

 

[JackMcD]

Sounds difficult, I feel for you.

I would say all lives are different and please try to avoid starting to ruminate and compare with others (been there...). Mid 30s is still young and healthy - go back to study, spend time on hobbies and getting fit, enjoy music and the arts, whatever you do - start preparing now to launch yourself at this new stage of your life and enjoy; although there will be more heartache and difficult times to come, plenty of years for good stuff too.

 

[Banjomansmate]

On my 40th Birthday I was told by a friend that “Life begins at 40” and that she had done far more since her 40th (she is ten years older than me). Frankly I though it was a load of rubbish but, I have to admit, that I have experienced far more in my latter years than in the earlier ones, including finding a new relationship after my husband died.
Do not despair, nobody knows what life will throw at them and sometimes it can be fun. Yes, I have spent the last three years of my life caring for The Banjoman but we had a good few years enjoying life together and I have many happy memories to call on now that he has gone.

 

[Lawson58]

Caring can be all consuming and can rob you of all sense of self. You have missed out on many years of the usual things people your age enjoy.

Right at this very minute it can be hard to imagine a future for yourself but now is the time to start planning.
What sort of job would you like to do and what do you need to do to get there.

I went back to high school full time at the age of thirty to get my university entrance. At first I felt a bit conspicuous being there with all the younger ones but I passed with flying colours and started a degree in teaching. I taught for many years, completing a post graduate diploma along the way. The income was good and I was able to finally afford some travel.

Since giving up teaching, I have had my own business as an antique dealer, worked as a gardener, a waitress, a receptionist, a student exchange liaison officer, and a few other things along the way. At the age of 57, I applied for a working visa in UK and within 3 days of arriving in London, I was working full time as a nanny.

I know all too well how hard it can be to pull yourself up from the hole you're in but it's up to you to find a way forward. Perhaps some counselling might help you and I suspect you might benefit from a visit to GP.
Finding the right support will help you make the first move and the first move is the one that will keep you going.

 

[Splashing About]

@totallyconfused Would it be worth considering some counselling? My Carer Support Worker (who I’ve never met in all the years I’ve cared) has offered ‘emotional support’ which is 6 sessions with qualified counsellor.

My concern is that your understandable and justified grief, anger and loss will stop you making the most of the time you have now. Don’t let it steal anymore of your life.

As people say you are still young. After 40 I met someone, married, travelled and life changed massively. It’s not the end and what you feel is linked to sadness and grief

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @totallyconfused

It`s not too late to try to make life better for yourself.

I know it will be difficult but a visit to your doctor might enable you to get some help with the caring and some advice in obtaining a better life for you.

If you could just have some freedom for a few hours a week to adjust, then perhaps you could move further to get some life back for yourself.

It`s easier said than done I know but small steps towards some life away from caring might help you feel less hopeless.

 

[totallyconfused]

thank you for the replies

It took me a long time to believe I need or deserve a break but I hired help for two nights recently and Its been great. The carer stays 9pm until 7am, its costs 210 euro a night but I just couldnt do 7 nights and days anymore. This year was horrific for lack of sleep. At times my mother stayed up 38 hours, staying on her feet nearly the whole time. I sleep on couch downstairs the other 5 nights-I realy need to buy fold out bed or something.

Its heading for a home but want to just get through Christmas first.

I went out for a couple evenings to see two concerts which was nice, wasn't out in a long time.

Its all part of not wanting to go from the extreme of doing everything to a nursing home.

I just feel incredibly sad right now about everything. I went to counsellinig in the summer-I was given 8 sessions on the medical card but hope to return to it in the new year

 

[Dimpsy]

Don't look back in anger, don't think about what might have been, those pipe dreams of what you could have done with your life up till now are just that, pipe dreams. You may have travelled, formed a relationship, had children, but equally, you may not.
There are plenty of people your age who are still exploring their options, many having a complete change of career and that includes you.
Feel nothing but pride in caring for your mother, that role may be coming to an end, but it has shaped the woman you are and you can take those attributes and use them in the next stage of your life.

You are such a caring and gentle person, try and imagine if you had lived your life knowing your mother needed support, which you could have given but did not, how would you have felt?

We can all look back and think why did we choose that path, blaming ourselves or other people is a negative emotion, the past can't be changed, so have no regrets otherwise you will become bitter, make plans for your future and do them, it's an exciting time in your life and good luck to you.