Not perfect.....but ok.

[PalSal]

I try to practice ,one day at a time and I get lots of help, I often end the day with harsh words and exhaustion. On the days when I have full responsibility, I never to make it thru without some loss of serenity, some lack of patience, and sadly, lack of respect for his condition and his person.
I strive to be happy in moments. A full 24 hours is too much to ask. Today, I will just try to look at what I have done well in the moment. Trying my best to be part of the stream of life.

Trying to keep my hubby part of life and involving him in some social interaction has been a big part of being able to keep him at home with me for so many years. It becomes more and more difficult.
One of my husband's dearest friends, has always struggled with accepting exactly where my husband is today.(really all along the process) This friend is not a carer in any way, he is a good man and friend. He just does see the issues as they come up. He has invited us for lunch today at a very posh restaurant which we all loved going to in the past. It will be a big challenge for me. This friend sees it as a treat, which it is and so kind of him. But at the same time, it will be difficult. As I will need to ask the waiter to remove all the extra glasses and all the superfluous silver cutlery. Keeping it as simple as possible for my husband.
And then, there the bathroom issue....if Nicky is too nervous, he wants to go constantly. We have not gotten to see these friends for some time and they have had their share of stress and difficulties and challenges lately.....so I wanted to accept the invitation and be with them.
Our last venture out to a posh restaurant in Sept for a lunch for the 57 wedding anniversary of some other friends. did not end too well. Strange people ,strange bathroom, strange places, not ideal. And I said I was not going to take him out to a posh restaurant again. But here we go again.

On Friday night, I had 15 people over to the house for a chili feed.We played Bluegrass music and had a wonderful time. I was very relaxed. The lovely carer who went with us to Italy, came and took care of Nick all evening. It allowed me to fully relax and enjoy myself and make music. That is the thing, if I am caring, and the one responsible for taking him to the loo and attending to his needs, I am not that relaxed.

Later in the afternoon today, I will sing with my classical ensemble and then there is an apero after the concert. My hubby will not come this time. Lunch will be enough social interaction for him, a long walk in nature will serve him better. His lovely carer brought him to the last performance and that worked well. He is not that interested in music, so I do not feel obliged to have bring him along again. So, after lunch with our friends, I will meet up with his carer and turn him over for the rest of the day to her gentle care. He is really better served by others than me.
But I need to give myself some credit. I will bath him now in preparation for the outing, dress him well ( he still looks good when dressed up for socializing). Conscientiously remembering, it is I who arranges for him to get his walk in nature, exercise and so that his life is comfortable. He receives an individual, personalized care program on a daily basis, no institution would provide him with that. So, I can come full circle and say..."Yes, I am doing a good job caring for him , not perfect but nonetheless a good job.".

 

[Vic10]

Oh, I do hope you have a lovely lunch and that you are able to enjoy it. I absolutely understand the stress!
I would suggest that you phonethe restaurant before you go, explain the situation and ask that they prepare the table in advance. One less thing to worry about when you arrive.

 

[Grahamstown]

Trying to keep my hubby part of life and involving him in some social interaction

This has been my aim too and I have great friends and family who are prepared to switch around to visit at the most suitable time. At the moment it is from 5 o’clock onwards and is being successful at having an enjoyable social visit which includes my husband but allows him to go to his bedroom on and off if he wants. He more often than not stays with the party and listens intently, sometimes coming out with something else. He really likes the ladies who come to help him and they engage with him too. I am exactly the same as you, keep it up until I snap at the complete stupidity of the effects of the disease. He enjoys his life as far as it goes. I just have to be resigned to it all but I hate it as one should hate a disease that robs us of our mind.

 

[Lawson58]

I think you have an incredible insight into your situation, that you understand the needs of Nicky and your own.
And you somehow seem to achieve some balance in your life. We understand that it is not perfect but I always think you somehow have managed to value what you have in your life, especially when we all know that you have been coping with this for years. You obviously have some good staff around you.

Enjoy your meal and I hope that you allow yourself the chance to be spoiled, just a little.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Minute by minute, treat each one as a new beginning & wipe the slate clean each time.

I mentally give myself a bit of time out & then announce with a giggle ... & I’m back in the room.
(A Brit comedy punch line from a not so funny show but apt I feel for this situation)


Enjoy the meal, ask the waiter before you sit down to remove the surplus or even ring ahead & explain. Make your life easier. How lovely not to have to cook or do the washing up! x

 

[PalSal]

Thanks TP friends for your comments.
It was a good lunch, the food, the service and the company was fantastic. (I asked that the servers cut up Nick's food finely before they served him) It all went pretty well.
The concert also went well, (over 110 in the audience!) and Nick and his favorite carer had a walk so all went well.
It is now Wednesday and so far we are having an undramatic week which is the best!.
Just rocking along with our routines and enjoying the crisp autumn days.
Nick has a bit of a cold (which comes from being with our grandbabies) I am treating him to steaming his head with an infusion of mint and camphor and Neocitron drinks twice a day and 50 ml zinc. He is doing ok and sleeping well. That can be a problem if he is il,l then he doesn't sleep. But his cold is getting better already.
Funny, at this stage in his Alzheimers, some things often are easier for me. He would never have steamed his head in earlier days it would have been a big fight. He would certainly not have taken zinc or anything for a cold. Now, he does what I ask,that is the only advantage of the progression of the illness. After so many years of a battle with the irrational diseased mind.....he is at last compliant and beyond his irrational thinking.. I miss the old healthy Nick, but I do not miss the long years of the strong-willed irrational mind which was the early and middle stages of the disease.
So, when I read about comments from some of our other friends on TP regarding the irrational mind and willfulness. I remember the patience that Granny G. and Marionq and others had for me. As I complained about the battles over medication, going to visit the neuropsychiatrist,introduction of walkers and carers into his life, the daycare and the battles over putting the trash on the postbox (the obsession with the trash and recycling), the relocation of tools and coffee,constant search and destroy episodes where he would lose an item eyeglasses, wallet or watch and everything would be removed from cupboards and drawers as he search for "lost" items. The "hosting" behavior and I am perfectly capable and functioning whcih he presented to outsiders and to his family, The battles over control of daily living and his resentments which were directed at me, the person he trusted the most to continue to love him so he could risk resenting me.....those days are gone and I do not wish them back.

It is the sad reality that our loved ones are no longer themselves, but the process, at least, for me has been cyclic and as things are good now (this too shall pas), I am sure that the future could hold some nasty surprises and difficult things to surmount. So, I will stay in TODAY , a bright blue, crisp autumn day.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thanks TP friends for your comments.
It was a good lunch, the food, the service and the company was fantastic. (I asked that the servers cut up Nick's food finely before they served him) It all went pretty well.
The concert also went well, (over 110 in the audience!) and Nick and his favorite carer had a walk so all went well.
It is now Wednesday and so far we are having an undramatic week which is the best!.
Just rocking along with our routines and enjoying the crisp autumn days.
Nick has a bit of a cold (which comes from being with our grandbabies) I am treating him to steaming his head with an infusion of mint and camphor and Neocitron drinks twice a day and 50 ml zinc. He is doing ok and sleeping well. That can be a problem if he is il,l then he doesn't sleep. But his cold is getting better already.
Funny, at this stage in his Alzheimers, some things often are easier for me. He would never have steamed his head in earlier days it would have been a big fight. He would certainly not have taken zinc or anything for a cold. Now, he does what I ask,that is the only advantage of the progression of the illness. After so many years of a battle with the irrational diseased mind.....he is at last compliant and beyond his irrational thinking.. I miss the old healthy Nick, but I do not miss the long years of the strong-willed irrational mind which was the early and middle stages of the disease.
So, when I read about comments from some of our other friends on TP regarding the irrational mind and willfulness. I remember the patience that Granny G. and Marionq and others had for me. As I complained about the battles over medication, going to visit the neuropsychiatrist,introduction of walkers and carers into his life, the daycare and the battles over putting the trash on the postbox (the obsession with the trash and recycling), the relocation of tools and coffee,constant search and destroy episodes where he would lose an item eyeglasses, wallet or watch and everything would be removed from cupboards and drawers as he search for "lost" items. The "hosting" behavior and I am perfectly capable and functioning whcih he presented to outsiders and to his family, The battles over control of daily living and his resentments which were directed at me, the person he trusted the most to continue to love him so he could risk resenting me.....those days are gone and I do not wish them back.

It is the sad reality that our loved ones are no longer themselves, but the process, at least, for me has been cyclic and as things are good now (this too shall pas), I am sure that the future could hold some nasty surprises and difficult things to surmount. So, I will stay in TODAY , a bright blue, crisp autumn day.

Baby steps
I try to approach each day with a blank clean slate! then need to vent out frustrations on TP!

Those clear blue crisp autumn days are precious jewels to treasure. thank you for sharing
(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

 

[RosettaT]

I love dry mornings so I can go outside and enjoy myself in the garden before OH wakes up. This morning was leaf sweeping. I find it so therapeutic and relaxing, it's my one moment of peace during the day and gives me the boost I need.

 

[Grahamstown]

Now, he does what I ask,that is the only advantage of the progression of the illness. After so many years of a battle with the irrational diseased mind.....he is at last compliant and beyond his irrational thinking..

This is my experience too. The only irritating thing now is that whenever I ask him to do something he says why. No amount of explanation helps, it’s just why, so I say nothing and keep repeating the instructions and the reason and eventually he will, e.g. stand up or sit down, etc. very simple things. I anticipate why now for almost everything and just carry on... So glad you had a fulfilling day which gives such a warm glow.