Care home admission

shellysunshine

New member
Jun 24, 2019
5
0
Hi, after a really turbulent few months my 84 year old dad was admitted to a residential care home. This followed a series of admissions to A&E after falls, UTI's etc. The last fall a week ago. I managed to get dad assessed and he failed the capacity test. We were then tasked with finding a suitable care home which we were lucky to find. On Friday the hospital discharged him to the care home. Whilst in hospital dad was very agitated, ringing me and saying that he was getting out. We had hoped that his behaviour was due to the hospital environment but sadly he continues to behave in the same manner. Telling us that he's not staying, wants to go home. Calls me mainly in the afternoon and evening demanding that I collect him. He has packed his bag every day. Tried to call for a taxi, fortunately we had suspended his taxi account and subsequently removed the contact number from his phone. We are exhausted with trying to cope with his behaviour. I have spoken to our mental health team who advised we speak in the first instance with the care home and should they want imput then they can request them to visit. They also say that it can sometimes take several weeks for someone to settle. I have read various forums and see that my dads behaviour is not unique. If anyone can offer any advice as to how we his family deal with the behaviour that would be helpful. I read that sometimes letting the person settle in without daily visits can help as we are constant reminders of his previous home life. Again anyone's thoughts would be appreciated. Dealing with Dementia isn't new to me as sadly my mum had the illness and lived in a care home for 3 years until she died in April this year. My mum was always quite content and I think felt the home provided safety. However my dad is a very different character, still thinks he is safe and able to live independently, doesn't see any danger and can't see risks that he poses to himself. Thanks for taking the time to read.
 

Lorna44

Registered User
Jul 16, 2016
229
0
Surrey
It took my mum about 2 months to settle, without packing to come home.
And even then there was odd occasions where she would have the hump and want to leave!
It was also recommended to reduce visits to allow her to settle.
I see that your dad has a mobile phone, it may be best that it's taken away from him, goes 'missing' or is 'broken' so he can't call whenever he wants. My mum couldn't use a phone anymore but we always could call the home and they always kept us in close contact.
Good luck and prepare for it to take some time. X
 
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Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,652
0
South East
I have no experience sorry but I do completely agree with @Lorna44 , the phone needs to disappear as does any bags he may have so he can’t pack them . I’m sorry you are having a hard time . Hope dad settles soon.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,314
0
Would the staff be able to try to include him in daily activities or give him little tasks ( saying its to help them ) whilst he's 'recuperating' from his time in hospital. This will impress the doctor who has arranged his stay there ( love lies). Are there any other men who he might pal up with? If all things fail the MHT can look at medication to help him settle but they will want to give it some time first. The home will need to get a DOLS in place. Good luck.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
My mum packed to go home every night when she first moved there - I didnt leave the suitcases, so she nicked the plastic bags out of the bins, or simply rolled stuff up in her coat!

I agree about the phone. Giving them a phone sounds like a thoughtful comforting thing to do, but actually its a constant reminder of home. I would find some way of removing it (a love lie is best). I also didnt visit for several days when mum moved to her care home. Again, its a question of not reminding them of home and getting them to learn the staff and routines of the care home. When you do visit, dont stay long and try and be upbeat and cheerful, (even if great acting skills are required) as mum used to mirror my moods. I would also take in a little treat (chocolates ir cake) to produce as a distraction if I could see the way the conversation was going, or I saw her bottom lip tremble. I used to time my visits so that I would leave when dinner appeared and she would be distracted. I also never said goodbye as this was often the trigger for wanting to go home with me. I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office and when I was going would just tell her I was going to the loo and Id be back soon
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
I agree with the advice not to visit too often in the first few weeks. You can call the care home and ask the staff how he's getting on (and they will call you anyway if there is a problem). I visited a couple of times in the first few days and then didn't visit for a fortnight. Others have left it even longer because their presence made the person very agitated.

And definitely remove the phone. Constantly ringing you will distress him more rather than comforting him. In the meantime, don't answer his calls, it upsets everyone and achieves nothing. Ask the staff to distract him if he asks to use their phone to call. He needs to get used to the new environment and routines, and depend on the staff rather than on you.
 

shellysunshine

New member
Jun 24, 2019
5
0
It took my mum about 2 months to settle, without packing to come home.
And even then there was odd occasions where she would have the hump and want to leave!
It was also recommended to reduce visits to allow her to settle.
I see that your dad has a mobile phone, it may be best that it's taken away from him, goes 'missing' or is 'broken' so he can't call whenever he wants. My mum couldn't use a phone anymore but we always could call the home and they always kept us in close contact.
Good luck and prepare for it to take some time. X
Thanks Lorna
We might give that idea a go of his phone not working and see if things improve. Appreciate you giving me an insight into how things were for your mum.
 

shellysunshine

New member
Jun 24, 2019
5
0
I have no experience sorry but I do completely agree with @Lorna44 , the phone needs to disappear as does any bags he may have so he can’t pack them . I’m sorry you are having a hard time . Hope dad settles soon.
Thanks for your advice. I agree that the phone needs to go. I guess I thought that by trying to keep things as much as they were before would help him but just seems to have made it worse.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,652
0
South East
Sadly the opposite seems to happen with this cruel disease , I always tried to tell mum the truth as my dad did but know through this brilliant forum and experience I see that the truth hurts and distresses her so love lies are now the way to go for us , i hope dad settles and you get a bit less stress .
 

shellysunshine

New member
Jun 24, 2019
5
0
Been a few weeks sine I last posted and unfortunately things aren't getting any easier with my dad settling into the care home. If anything we are getting more agitation and "sundowning" is becoming a daily occurrence. All the same pattern, goes to the front door and depending on where the staff are they either manage to stop him and tell him that he cant leave or he does manage to open the door and step outside. When this happens they do sometimes manage to persuade him to come back inside or as has happened they have had to call us and we have had to get him back inside. His GP has prescribed citalopram to try and help and diazepam only as a needs basis. Yesterday we took him out at the time he is most agitated hoping that it would tire him out. We spent the first hour trying to get him calm as he was so angry. Unfortunately everything we say and do and even write down for him is forgotten the next day. We have taken the sim out of his phone as he was ringing all kinds of people offering to pay them money to get him out. He is still managing to call myself and my husband and immediate members of his family on whatsap but wondering if we should take the phone off him saying its faulty maybe to see if that makes things any better. I know I have read various threads suggesting someone to sit with their relative during the time of day when he is most agitated but I don't see that this is something we could sustain. The care home have been lovely but I feel that as they don't have many difficult residents and are not a locked door policy then we could be looking for another home. We have rang round trying to see what is available but sadly those with a locked door are few and far between and as I have seen for myself tend to have really severe cases of dementia and are nowhere near as nice as where dad is. Dad can still communicate and is capable of dressing himself and eating unaided, but we just can't get him to accept he is in a good place and can't seem to stop his need to try and escape daily. If anyone has any ideas I would welcome the help and advice. Thanks
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
All the same pattern, goes to the front door and depending on where the staff are they either manage to stop him and tell him that he cant leave or he does manage to open the door and step outside.

Most people with dementia need to be in a secure unit to keep them safe. A non-secure unit only works if they are in the very early stages of dementia. Im getting the feeling that this care home is mainly for people without dementia, or only the early stages.
I agree that he will need a secure dementia unit because he needs to be kept safe and also the staff will be used to the sort of problems that are common in dementia.

You have to look past the decor and see what the care is like. Better to have good care in a shabby home than poor care in a beautiful one. Go for a place that is homely, than than one that looks like a 5* hotel. Having residents in a very advanced stage of dementia is not a bad thing. It means that the home is experienced in more challenging cases and it also means that you wont suddenly get given notice when the dementia advances
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
This is not the right care home for him. I didn't realise when you posted previously that this was not a secure home. I think the fact that your dad has been able to get out is encouraging his escape attempts - he knows it's possible so he'll keep trying.

It shouldn't be difficult to find the right (secure) home for him, your father's behaviour is par for the course with dementia, and the right staff will be able to cope with it. Do not rely on the existing CH to do this for you. It really doesn't matter how 'nice' other CHs are, what matters is that your father gets good care in the right environment. My mother's care home is not smart or posh, but the staff are lovely and very experienced. I found it by looking here

https://www.carehome.co.uk/

I read the reviews, than rang a few care homes and visited the ones which seemed to be the best bet.

And definitely take the phone away - do it tomorrow.
 

Jendacot

New member
Jan 4, 2020
3
0
Most people with dementia need to be in a secure unit to keep them safe. A non-secure unit only works if they are in the very early stages of dementia. Im getting the feeling that this care home is mainly for people without dementia, or only the early stages.
I agree that he will need a secure dementia unit because he needs to be kept safe and also the staff will be used to the sort of problems that are common in dementia.

You have to look past the decor and see what the care is like. Better to have good care in a shabby home than poor care in a beautiful one. Go for a place that is homely, than than one that looks like a 5* hotel. Having residents in a very advanced stage of dementia is not a bad thing. It means that the home is experienced in more challenging cases and it also means that you wont suddenly get given notice when the dementia advances
I agree with this. We had to move my Dad into a secure facility straight from the hospital. If he had been in a non-secure facility he would have been roaming the streets long before now. Sadly, his dementia was sudden from six strokes and he also struggles daily with trying to leave the home. He can't get out, and was becoming aggressive with the staff that try to redirect him away from the door. We have found that staff offering him the phone saying it is my sister or myself wanting to speak to him works in most cases. He is able to then refocus enough to calm down and move away from the door. Also offering a choice of "would you like to go to your room or the lounge" seems to help. It isn't saying you can't go out, but offering two possible choices. Gives a sense of independence while switching focus. He and his only friend there are in cahoots and try to escape through any means possible, every single day.