Getting a proud man to look for help

[FuzzyDuck]

My father is main Carer for my Alzheimer’s-suffering mother. He does a great job, but is struggling. More than anything, he needs a rest. But, he will not accept help.

They moved into a retirement village where they are supported by a sheltered accommodation system. Sadly, he is pushing the sheltered accommodation staff away with his attitude.

For example, the village woke him with a phone call at 2:30 am because an alarm was sounding. He claims the alarm must have been sounding all day, so why are they waiting until the early hours to call? Why are they calling anyway, they should be coming round and ringing the doorbell/coming in to help him? When they failed to raise him on the telephone they came around. Apparently, the young girls who woke him got their backsides kicked (I can only imagine and cringe). He has also instructed the centre to remove him from the service as he does not need it. He does!

I have advised him many times over the last year to contact AS and look for support. He hasn’t. It was suggested to him that he goes down to a two hour support session with my mum. That was run by “do-gooder” amateurs. The only activity given to everyone was a written quiz and everyone was bored. A waste of time and he’s not been back (things tend to get one chance with dad).

He pushed away an offer from someone who offered to sit with mum for two hours a week allowing him to go out without her and take a break. “We’re not ready for that yet”. They are. They need that and more. Mum “works” at a charity shop for 3 hours per week. It’s not working, it the shop being very good and giving dad respite care. It’s his one time every week when he can relax knowing she is looked after. “That shop is a God-send” , he says. She always returns upbeat and happy as the social contact does her good. He acknowledges this but makes no effort to find anything else.

Support has to find him. Even then it will be doubted and probably ignored. If on the off-chance it is taken, it has to be an instant success with both of them.

Meanwhile, we are listening to him and are seeing a downward spiral into depression, He complains he is exhausted. Death is a frequent subject of conversation (she’s dying, so and so is dead, he’s dead now). What did we do to deserve this? According to him, One moment, my mum could make a 999 call if she needed to, the next she can’t do anything. (There is no way she is capable of dealing 999)

My brother and I both advise him. Generally it goes in one ear and out of the other.

Any ideas how to get him help greatly appreciated.

 

[canary]

Hello @FuzzyDuck and welcome to DTP.

Im afraid that this is a common problem, especially in men of your dads generation when turning to Social Services was an admission of failure. There probably isnt anything you can do apart from trying to encourage him to get help, but if he refuses it then no-one will insist. Eventually, though, there will be a crisis and this will force his hand

 

[Lawson58]

Denial is often a huge problem when dealing with diseases like Alzheimer's.

When reading your post about your dad, I kept on wondering if his denial is not so much about accepting help for him to care for your mum but more about his own mental state. I might well be wrong but as I read your post, I was struck by what I saw as a degree of paranoia which is pretty common in dementia.

Is it possible that your dad is having some problems and denying help is a way of hanging on to his independence and control?

I apologies if I have got it wrong but could a visit to his GP be helpful?

 

[FuzzyDuck]

Hello @FuzzyDuck and welcome to DTP.

Im afraid that this is a common problem, especially in men of your dads generation when turning to Social Services was an admission of failure. There probably isnt anything you can do apart from trying to encourage him to get help, but if he refuses it then no-one will insist. Eventually, though, there will be a crisis and this will force his hand

My concern is that the crisis occurs with him in the form of a breakdown. He suffered a work-stress related breakdown many years ago, which forced him to take early retirement. If that happens now, we have a huge problem of them both needing carers with their sons many miles away.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @FuzzyDuck

Like @Lawson58 I wondered, as I read your post, if your dad might have something going on rather than just stubbornness.

As your mum “works” at a charity shop and really enjoys it I wonder if the sheltered housing village might need “workers” to help out. With it being near to Christmas I imagine there’ll be a lot going on. Perhaps you could have a chat with the warden/manager and see if something could be arranged for your mum and dad so that they feel as though they are the helpers rather than the helped. I’ve also heard of people using this approach to getting PWD to daycare - obviously the staff need to be on board - with the hope that, as their condition worsens they are so used to going to “work” that they don’t object.

Using the same (sneaky) approach could sitters be introduced as friends, or as someone who needs to train as sitter so it would be a great favour if they could “practice” by keeping your mum company.

 

[FuzzyDuck]

Denial is often a huge problem when dealing with diseases like Alzheimer's.

When reading your post about your dad, I kept on wondering if his denial is not so much about accepting help for him to care for your mum but more about his own mental state. I might well be wrong but as I read your post, I was struck by what I saw as a degree of paranoia which is pretty common in dementia.

Is it possible that your dad is having some problems and denying help is a way of hanging on to his independence and control?

I apologies if I have got it wrong but could a visit to his GP be helpful?

I have no worries about my dad’s mental state in terms of dementia. Depression could be an issue and certainly will be an issue if he does not change his ways. He needs rest from mum to allow him some true “me time”. At the moment, he has the 3 hours per week when she goes to “work” at the shop, which dad sees as a Godsend. Other than that, he’s with her all the time.

Prior to her dementia, she ran the house, cooking, cleaning etc while he did very little. Now he does all the cleaning and cooking, which he has had to learn at the age of 78. He does all household tasks but meanwhile mum just sits in front of the TV. She could help with simple cleaning, putting stuff away, folding / sorting laundry but she gets in his way. It’s quicker if he does it. I have advised him to ask her to help him in these small ways as having too much time to fill is his problem and it’s good for her. I doubt he will involve her but we will see.

So mum is bored, lacking stimulation most of the time. Dad talks to her willingly. He does love her and wants to take care of her. But he’s short on imagination on what to do with her in the house, so winter is tough for them.

A day or two respite care each week, I am sure would work wonders for both. But get him to actively search it out - no chance. He just claimed to me he has tried. He went to one session that was suggested to him. It was a waste of time so he’s not been back and nor has he looked elsewhere.

 

[FuzzyDuck]

Welcome from me too @FuzzyDuck

Like @Lawson58 I wondered, as I read your post, if your dad might have something going on rather than just stubbornness.

As your mum “works” at a charity shop and really enjoys it I wonder if the sheltered housing village might need “workers” to help out. With it being near to Christmas I imagine there’ll be a lot going on. Perhaps you could have a chat with the warden/manager and see if something could be arranged for your mum and dad so that they feel as though they are the helpers rather than the helped. I’ve also heard of people using this approach to getting PWD to daycare - obviously the staff need to be on board - with the hope that, as their condition worsens they are so used to going to “work” that they don’t object.

Using the same (sneaky) approach could sitters be introduced as friends, or as someone who needs to train as sitter so it would be a great favour if they could “practice” by keeping your mum company.

Working in the sheltered housing village, as you say might help and thanks for the idea. At risk of sounding like my dad, the problem is he’s spent his first year in his new home telling them how rubbish they are and how much money they’re wasting. I think they are resilient to his grumpy git attitude, but it certainly doesn’t endear him to them. She is also very familiar with the people in the charity shop. She’s worked there for many years. She is nowhere near as familiar with the staff of the village.

Regarding sitters, I don’t think my mum would rebel too much so being sneaky shouldn’t be necessary. My dad remaining present initially and then slowly withdrawing as mum gets more confident with her sitter will be necessary. I’ve just pushed him into going back to the original sitter who offered and find out what is being offered. A meeting has been arranged where I will be present.

 

[Bunpoots]

Oh dear! But if they’re that rubbish they probably need his help ...it looks as though you’re going to have to be a diplomat too!

 

[FuzzyDuck]

Oh dear! But if they’re that rubbish they probably need his help ...it looks as though you’re going to have to be a diplomat too!

They’re not that rubbish. As far as I can see, the food in the restaurant he subsidises with his fees is not good but apart from that, all seems OK. I’ve also tried asking dad to offer them friendly advice rather than cantankerous negativity if he believes he can do better.

He’s a Yorkshireman. He loves summat to moan about! Help them? “Noooo. I wouldn’t waste mi breath”

 

[Bunpoots]

I didn't really think they were rubbish @FuzzyDuck . I was just wondering if your dad's belief that they were might be a way in.

But as they say round my way "You can't 'elp them who'll not 'elp themsens! "

 

[FuzzyDuck]

I didn't really think they were rubbish @FuzzyDuck . I was just wondering if your dad's belief that they were might be a way in.

But as they say round my way "You can't 'elp them who'll not 'elp themsens! "

I kinda guessed you didn’t think they were rubbish. And you make a good point, my friend. I can certainly fire his Yorkshireness back at him!

 

[FuzzyDuck]

On a positive out of a negative, a crisis last night (more later) and my wife and I hassling him resulted in a phone call and a visit from a very nice health worker. She has apparently being visiting them from back when they lived at their previous address so our chat (mum, dad, me, my wife and the health worker) was interesting. I’ve learned he’s been offered support several times and has taken up only one visit to a group (mentioned previously - “waste of bloody time”). Well, it looks like he’s going to try a sitter for a couple of hours.

It was really interesting though. Dad does everything around the house, not allowing mum to help. His intention is noble. At his old house, the deal between them was mum did the in-house stuff while dad dealt with the garden, house maintenance etc. As mum deteriorated, the house got on top of her and in the end got very dirty. My dad reacted, too late. He never got the house clean. It was beyond someone who has never really cleaned and he lost control of the garden. When they moved to where they are now (almost exactly one year ago) dad took full control of their new house telling mum that she’d looked after him for years - now it was his turn.

Unfortunately, these noble intentions have led to mum not being involved at all in running the house. She is capable of some things and this was reinforced by the health worker today. She also gently pointed out to dad that mum doesn’t always need him to speak for her.

Time will tell, but all in all I think we have some positives that may lead to progress. I’m going to have to keep on his back though!

 

[Bod]

Rather than giving him what he needs. What would he like?
The idea is to start with small things that he would accept, because they came from him, then slowly building up to what he needs.

Bod

 

[FuzzyDuck]

Rather than giving him what he needs. What would he like?
The idea is to start with small things that he would accept, because they came from him, then slowly building up to what he needs.

Bod

Normally exactly what I’d go for Bod.

He is of the opinion that nothing can be done. Alzheimer’s cannot be cured and so things are just going to get worse. He admits to being exhausted and to needing help. But all help gets rejected. For example “Scones and Singing” - I rejected that. Have you heard her sing?

He doesn’t look for a way forwards. He doesn’t believe there is one. One negative experience has confirmed this in his mind. He’s simply not actively looking for a solution. Yesterday, he was sat playing on the internet. Was he looking up help groups or sites listed in the dementia guide? Sadly, not.

There’s more behind this. Pride - he finds asking for help very difficult.

Acceptance of his situation - Everything’s fine, especially after 2 or 3 good days. When we talk on the phone it’s rare that things aren’t fine - no problem.

Nothing can be done anyway. Unfortunately an old friend of his in the same situation has confirmed that there is nobody/nothing that can help them.

 

[Bod]

Might he accept help for her, or you?
He is correct, there is no cure, but as, I think Spike Milligan, once said, "money can't buy happiness, but it makes misery more comfortable."
Having help won't make the situation better, but it will make it more bearable.
Allowing help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.

Good luck
Bod

 

[Chaplin]

Normally exactly what I’d go for Bod.

He is of the opinion that nothing can be done. Alzheimer’s cannot be cured and so things are just going to get worse. He admits to being exhausted and to needing help. But all help gets rejected. For example “Scones and Singing” - I rejected that. Have you heard her sing?

He doesn’t look for a way forwards. He doesn’t believe there is one. One negative experience has confirmed this in his mind. He’s simply not actively looking for a solution. Yesterday, he was sat playing on the internet. Was he looking up help groups or sites listed in the dementia guide? Sadly, not.

There’s more behind this. Pride - he finds asking for help very difficult.

Acceptance of his situation - Everything’s fine, especially after 2 or 3 good days. When we talk on the phone it’s rare that things aren’t fine - no problem.

Nothing can be done anyway. Unfortunately an old friend of his in the same situation has confirmed that there is nobody/nothing that can help them.

My mum has mixed dementia and until recently lived at home with dad, both mid 80’s. They’ve been together for 67 years and inseparable. Sadly we found ourselves in crisis and having spent 5 weeks in hospital, mum moved into a care home 2 weeks ago. Dad took a long time to accept over recent years that caring full time was a struggle which would only become harder. He still visits mum everyday but he now enjoys this time with her as her husband and best friend. Prior to this she went to a dementia day centre twice a week which allowed him a break and gave mum the stimulation she needed. This time of year is hard but we found puzzles a big help. You can buy 500 piece puzzles which are thicker and easier for PWD to build. We still play dominoes and snakes and ladders with mum which we make as much fun as possible and breaks up t he time. Mum’s around 8 years in to her diagnosis and I strongly believe the stimulation has helped her stay engaged as long as she has. While she’s taken a significant dip recently after her hospital stay, we still see flashes of our mum.
I do hope your dad accepts the help for your mum’s best interest even if he doesn’t rate it himself. It will give him the break he needs and it’s worth reinforcing he can only continue to care for your mum if he’s fit and well, both mentally and physically. Hope you manage to make some positive changes for them both.