Mum has been in her care home for six months today, something that has set me thinking about the whole process of getting her there and supporting her in her new life, so I thought I'd write down my musings on the topic.
First of all, did I do the right thing? My husband is of the opinion I should have waited until there was a crisis and mum ended up in hospital, sectioned or similar. Fortunately none of the rest of her family or friends think that and think I did the best thing by moving her. She was becoming more unsafe at home, going down the pub to drink with random strangers and convinced the neighbours were living in her flat and stealing her things. She could just about manage day to day care, though she wasn't eating very much and I think she was beginning to find showering (shower over the bath) more tricky. I was two trains and a bus away so couldn't get there quickly in an emergency and there were beginning to be more of those, or at least things mum 'thought' were an emergency. However much I think the move into care was the correct thing I do feel the way I did it, just taking her to the home and leaving her there was not helpful either to her or the staff who had to deal with her very difficult behaviour the first few weeks. It is difficult to see, given mum's antipathy to the idea of a care home what I could have done better. Maybe taking her to visit a few so I could gauge which one she liked the best. She was refusing all help at home, and I know she would never have voluntarily agreed to move to one.
Secondly did I chose the right place? I looked at four in the couple of years up mum's move, three where I live and one near her old place. The one near her wasn't suitable for a mobile person with dementia, and thought they suggested I visited their dedicated dementia home, there wasn't much point as it was more difficult for me to get to. The three near me were all purpose built and two were only two or three years old. One provided residents with their flat into which they brought their own furniture. This also had a dementia wing that I didn't see. It was the most expensive, and though might have done for mum when I visited, by the time I needed to move her she would have needed more care. The older one seemed OK as far a facilities and food went, but the rooms were small, and someone had obviously just died in the one they showed me. The one I chose has a good atmosphere, large pleasant rooms and lots going on. It also had a coffee area, hair saloon and a 'cinema' room. Though these are frills for a lot of people, they were the sort of things I thought mum would appreciate, and I hoped would make her think the place was 'posh' as she is a bit of a snob. The main thing that has riled her is that as she is on the dementia floor she can't come and go as she pleases, something that still annoys her. However she has no concept of where she is and if allowed out would get lost immediately. Again my husband is not keen on this aspect of the place, but I can't see a way round it, and they do ensure she is taken to other floors for activities etc. My husband and I intend to move 100 odd miles away sometime in the next year or so, and then we'll probably move mum somewhere nearer. When I'm looking for places I'll look at layout in particular.
As for mum herself. she has declined a lot in the last six months, and at a faster rate than she did in the previous three years since I became seriously concerned about her cognitive abilities. Whether this would have happened anyway is a moot question.
At home she went out at least once a day down her high street and for a 91 year old was pretty good on her feet. She is now much more wobbly and several times recently I have thought she would have fallen if I wasn't holding her arm. I noticed that just walking her round the corner to a local café seems to wear her out too. I haven't broached the subject of having a walking aid as I can imagine mum would think to have one is giving in to old age. I'll wait on that one.
Mentally she is much more confused and her memory is much worse. Although memory problems were part of her symptoms while at home, her most obvious difficulty was with logic. Now she seems to have limited and fragmented memories of what happened in the recent past, and her memories of long past events is also very muddled. She is convinced her parents and my dad are still alive, often asks about my mum and sister, even though she knows I'm her daughter, and I don't have a sister. She also doesn't seem to be able to answer simple questions, but prefers to talk about whatever random topic comes into her mind. Certainly I don't think she would be able to cope living independently any more.
When she moved in mum was very unhappy. Since then her mood switches from being very happy to being very unhappy almost at a flick of a switch. Her default state seems to be on the miserable side of content. I don't think she'd be any happier anywhere else, but of course at times she thinks she would. After a visit from the GP and the Memory Clinic she is on half a lorazepam every other day. The home are monitoring this closely as they don't want to change her personality but they are hoping that the edge can be taken off her anger.
So all in all I think I'm as happy as I can be about things. I'm still learning working out about best times and frequency of visits, but things are slowly getting better.
First of all, did I do the right thing? My husband is of the opinion I should have waited until there was a crisis and mum ended up in hospital, sectioned or similar. Fortunately none of the rest of her family or friends think that and think I did the best thing by moving her. She was becoming more unsafe at home, going down the pub to drink with random strangers and convinced the neighbours were living in her flat and stealing her things. She could just about manage day to day care, though she wasn't eating very much and I think she was beginning to find showering (shower over the bath) more tricky. I was two trains and a bus away so couldn't get there quickly in an emergency and there were beginning to be more of those, or at least things mum 'thought' were an emergency. However much I think the move into care was the correct thing I do feel the way I did it, just taking her to the home and leaving her there was not helpful either to her or the staff who had to deal with her very difficult behaviour the first few weeks. It is difficult to see, given mum's antipathy to the idea of a care home what I could have done better. Maybe taking her to visit a few so I could gauge which one she liked the best. She was refusing all help at home, and I know she would never have voluntarily agreed to move to one.
Secondly did I chose the right place? I looked at four in the couple of years up mum's move, three where I live and one near her old place. The one near her wasn't suitable for a mobile person with dementia, and thought they suggested I visited their dedicated dementia home, there wasn't much point as it was more difficult for me to get to. The three near me were all purpose built and two were only two or three years old. One provided residents with their flat into which they brought their own furniture. This also had a dementia wing that I didn't see. It was the most expensive, and though might have done for mum when I visited, by the time I needed to move her she would have needed more care. The older one seemed OK as far a facilities and food went, but the rooms were small, and someone had obviously just died in the one they showed me. The one I chose has a good atmosphere, large pleasant rooms and lots going on. It also had a coffee area, hair saloon and a 'cinema' room. Though these are frills for a lot of people, they were the sort of things I thought mum would appreciate, and I hoped would make her think the place was 'posh' as she is a bit of a snob. The main thing that has riled her is that as she is on the dementia floor she can't come and go as she pleases, something that still annoys her. However she has no concept of where she is and if allowed out would get lost immediately. Again my husband is not keen on this aspect of the place, but I can't see a way round it, and they do ensure she is taken to other floors for activities etc. My husband and I intend to move 100 odd miles away sometime in the next year or so, and then we'll probably move mum somewhere nearer. When I'm looking for places I'll look at layout in particular.
As for mum herself. she has declined a lot in the last six months, and at a faster rate than she did in the previous three years since I became seriously concerned about her cognitive abilities. Whether this would have happened anyway is a moot question.
At home she went out at least once a day down her high street and for a 91 year old was pretty good on her feet. She is now much more wobbly and several times recently I have thought she would have fallen if I wasn't holding her arm. I noticed that just walking her round the corner to a local café seems to wear her out too. I haven't broached the subject of having a walking aid as I can imagine mum would think to have one is giving in to old age. I'll wait on that one.
Mentally she is much more confused and her memory is much worse. Although memory problems were part of her symptoms while at home, her most obvious difficulty was with logic. Now she seems to have limited and fragmented memories of what happened in the recent past, and her memories of long past events is also very muddled. She is convinced her parents and my dad are still alive, often asks about my mum and sister, even though she knows I'm her daughter, and I don't have a sister. She also doesn't seem to be able to answer simple questions, but prefers to talk about whatever random topic comes into her mind. Certainly I don't think she would be able to cope living independently any more.
When she moved in mum was very unhappy. Since then her mood switches from being very happy to being very unhappy almost at a flick of a switch. Her default state seems to be on the miserable side of content. I don't think she'd be any happier anywhere else, but of course at times she thinks she would. After a visit from the GP and the Memory Clinic she is on half a lorazepam every other day. The home are monitoring this closely as they don't want to change her personality but they are hoping that the edge can be taken off her anger.
So all in all I think I'm as happy as I can be about things. I'm still learning working out about best times and frequency of visits, but things are slowly getting better.
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