I can't cope anymore

megapops

Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
4
0
Kent
Hi all

After 8 years of caring for my mum I seem to have reached the limit of my patience. I don't want to put her in a home as I couldn't live with myself but I don't know where I can get the strength from. If I have a break, it just makes it harder for me to return to. I just can't stand being with her anymore! Has anyone else felt like this and how did they get through it.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
Eight years is a long time to care non-stop. If you feel as you do the only answer is residential care, because let`s face it, it`s not going to get any better.

If you do decide on residential care your time with your mother will probably be of a much better quality. The resentment and exhaustion will have passed and you will be in a better frame of mind.

If you really can`t stand being with her any more, a home is the only solution.

You have done your best and your best is good enough.

Best wishes.
 

germain

Registered User
Jul 7, 2007
342
0
Hello and welcome to Talking Point megapops,

Please don't think that a home is impossible for your Mum. There ARE some really good ones out there.

The caring doesn't stop just because Mum won't be living with you but you can do all sorts of different things to help her.

If you "go under" with the stress - who will be there for your Mum then ?

Not sure what help you have , if any, but if you're really against residential care try social services for advice on more help at home etc.

Our Mum had to go into a home because between four of us we couldn't cope - it got to the point where our every moment was based around her needs ! BUT we found a wonderful place for her and the difference in our lives and in her comfort was wonderful.

have a look at the very recent post from Bubbles26 - another example of what can be done and how her Mum has reacted .

Good luck and don't let the "guilt monster" get you down.

regards
germain

ps I'm all for residential care as this was the only thing that helped our family with our Mum - but this is only based on our experience with OUR Mum. So I've got to admit to being totally biased ! There are lots of others who will come along with more advice/experience on coping strategies if you really can't face moving her .
 

SkiTTish

Registered User
Sep 13, 2008
104
0
:(I so could have wrote that
I think you know in your heart if you have had enough its time for a home ,think that time is coming soon here ,I spend 12+ hours a day with mum and hardly see the kids or hubby ,everything revolves around mum and never have a day out/away
You need to prioritize and tell yourself ,would your mum want you to continue and devote your whole life to here even when you feel its more than you can take?
 

cariad

Registered User
Sep 29, 2007
89
0
Hi, I too could have written the post. I find that when mam comes out of respite, she is really unsettled for a while and it seems harder to care for her. I have 2 young children and am at the end of my strength rations too!
It's really difficult but what would you say to someone else in your shoes? You will never stop caring. You can spend as long as you like each day at the home, enjoying your mum's company rather than enduring it. You can then go home and have some rest/relaxation/normality.
I'm a fine one to talk though! I've put mam's name on the best home around (she's on the waiting list). But we've already agreed with the home that when the phone call comes to say there's a place, we can put mam second on thie list if we so choose. It's my way of coping. I don't want to be in an emergency situation where I HAVE to put her in a home. I feel happier since doing this/ more in control.
Your mum is going to need more care eventually......more than is humanly possible for one person to give.
I'm sending you some virtual strength, warm regards, cariad
 

gillian69

Registered User
Sep 7, 2006
42
0
Cambridgeshire
Hi

I really feel for your situation, although i havent had to care for my mum, as my dad is still with us.
My mum was admitted to a care home earlier this year, probably only 2 months ago but seems like forever.
She was aggressive and abusive towards everybody, now she is settled in the home with people LIKE HER. Not being funny but she has settled in a treat, and the difference in her is amazing.
She feels settled and at ease, and my dad is now trying to accept that, which i feel he is doing well.
Do not dismiss it, i know how daunting it is, but believe me my mum is now in the best place.

Good luck and be strong

Gillian:)
 

megapops

Registered User
Nov 22, 2008
4
0
Kent
Thank you kind people for replying! I have picked myself up again and had a better day. One big reason why I don't want to put my mum in care, is because she is always asking where she is and I hate to think that there wouldn't always be someone there to hear her and reassure her. She is getting physically weaker with frequent UTIs and I know there may come a time when she may need care but for now I will soldier on. Thanks again for being there!
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
She is getting physically weaker with frequent UTIs and I know there may come a time when she may need care but for now I will soldier on. Thanks again for being there!
Reply With Quote


I know with me, it’s not that I can’t stand being with my mother, it just that I can bear seeing what this dementia is doing to my mother. I am getting use to it & count my lucky stars that mum has no insight in what the future holds for her, or even what is happing to her now , she just does get frustrated with herself if she has a fall . I like you also find when my mother come back from respite, mum symptoms of dementia are more highlighted so seem worse for a couple of day,but then the symptoms seem to settle back down .

Hope you get some support during the days of the week also weekends , to give yourself some time out in between respite care home .
 

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