Bless you marshal, you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way. I went through this experience myself 15 months ago, and it is so traumatic. Sending you a huge virtual hug. I think we all allow ourselves to cope because they are just in hospital, with the potential to leave any time, my OH was 3 months in an Assessment Centre before the move to a Nursing Home was made. You love that man with all your heart and probably have been together many years with dreams of a future retirement spent enjoying your memories together. This mean thief of a disease has taken that from you both and you are angry sad and probably exhausted. Be kind to yourself, don't mind the tears, they are symbols of your grief, for although your OH is still physically here you will be grieving for the loss of the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Don't listen to your guilt listen to the lovely girls who are looking out for you both. Use TP to let the outbursts take form and disappear. It has been my 'go to' place through this difficult journey. I would love to say it gets easier, and maybe in a way it does, but you will need your strength for the future don't let wrongful feelings steal that too. Thinking of you today, when I go and visit x