Mum always in distress.

[canary]

There will probably be time to take her along the sea front @Norfolk Cherry . I used to push mum along the sea front in her wheelchair, but I didnt take her out of her care home for 2 months so that she could settle. Your mum has only been in this care home for 2 and a half weeks - give it time.

am starting to think my intermittent presence is keeping up the feelings of loss?

How often do you visit? It might be a good idea to cut the visits down for a while, perhaps to even not visit at all for a couple of weeks (which is what I was advised) to allow her to bond with the carers and to settle.

 

[Primrose19]

This reminded me of my first post on Talking Post when mum had been in the home for four weeks but was packing up all her belongings every day ready to go "home" and was really cross with my sister and me. The lovely people on here said give it more time and it did get better - there were good and bad visits but more good. She went through phases of thinking she worked there or she was in charge and sometimes that it was a hotel or her holiday timeshare. All very weird.....

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Hi @Sirena, it's really good to know there's someone out there experiencing the same confusing feelings. it's taking me time to really get to grips with the fact that what we say and do in one moment is all forgotten by the next. Partly because it's not always the case!! There's no rules governing our interaction, so it really must be about living in the moment, anything else is a bonus.
Hi @canary, I'm going every other day, it's a 50" drive, but I can push her in a wheelchair right down to the beach, it's amazing, we can feel the sea spray on our faces. Think I'll have a chat with the carers and see what they think about frequency of visits.
Hi @Primrose19, good to know you came through this and there's hope for a calmer time ahead. I think I'd be in a home myself by now if I didn't have talking point.

 

[alang]

Hi @alang, I haven't seen you posting recently. I was wondering how your mum is settling into her care home? also, how you are feeling about it? My mum has been in her home nearly two and a half weeks, but seems to be getting more unsettled and upset, even though her carers are wonderful and the home well laid out for her level of mobility. It's very distressing fobbing her off as she starts to ask whether she has to stay, and a phone call with help from carer today, "Please I want you to come now and pick me up from this place"

Hi @Norfolk Cherry, I was just thinking I'd not looked in for a while. I think on the whole mum is settling in really well. She's been there just over a month now & mostly when I visit she's in a good frame of mind. I have to admit to only visiting once a week & am trying not to feel guilty about that. Of course she still asks when she's going home, but she believes home is her parents' house & that they are away on holiday. Yesterday was about the only time I'd seen her anxious since she's been there, which is amazing considering what she was like before the move & the carers tell me she's never asked for a phone. She doesn't seem concerned about her surroundings - being as they inevitably will be - sometimes noisy, sometimes...aromatic. Think I'm probably coming to terms more slowly with that than mum is! I'm still in the process of clearing the flat & taking over all her clothes & pictures for her room etc. I'd say we are still in the early days, so don't be disheartened that your mum seems more unsettled just now. As with my mum, I think wherever she was she'd still be saying "This is not my house". Because it's all in the same mind that tells her she has to catch the bus to get home & do my dad's tea!

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Hi @Norfolk Cherry, I was just thinking I'd not looked in for a while. I think on the whole mum is settling in really well. She's been there just over a month now & mostly when I visit she's in a good frame of mind. I have to admit to only visiting once a week & am trying not to feel guilty about that. Of course she still asks when she's going home, but she believes home is her parents' house & that they are away on holiday. Yesterday was about the only time I'd seen her anxious since she's been there, which is amazing considering what she was like before the move & the carers tell me she's never asked for a phone. She doesn't seem concerned about her surroundings - being as they inevitably will be - sometimes noisy, sometimes...aromatic. Think I'm probably coming to terms more slowly with that than mum is! I'm still in the process of clearing the flat & taking over all her clothes & pictures for her room etc. I'd say we are still in the early days, so don't be disheartened that your mum seems more unsettled just now. As with my mum, I think wherever she was she'd still be saying "This is not my house". Because it's all in the same mind that tells her she has to catch the bus to get home & do my dad's tea!

It's so good to hear that your mum has settled so well in her new home. I know what you mean about comparing how they are now, to how anxious they were before, and my mum, although telling me "it's like a nightmare" is still calmer and less tortured than when she lived alone and didn't remember my visits and phone calls. Good luck with the flat clearance, I'm doing the same, strange days but it had to be done.

 

[alang]

It's so good to hear that your mum has settled so well in her new home. I know what you mean about comparing how they are now, to how anxious they were before, and my mum, although telling me "it's like a nightmare" is still calmer and less tortured than when she lived alone and didn't remember my visits and phone calls. Good luck with the flat clearance, I'm doing the same, strange days but it had to be done.

Thankfully mum only moved to the flat last year, from a three bedroom house she'd lived in for forty years - that really was a nightmare! This time isn't nearly as bad & at least it's only round the corner. Saying that, this time some stuff has had to come to my house! Good luck with your clearance. It is strange, but I found that once the door was shut & the keys handed back I never thought of the place again.

 

[alang]

I'm wondering how folks' loved ones coped with the clocks going back at the weekend. When I visited mum yesterday she was more agitated than of late, wanting to go home & pacing about. I wondered if the change to GMT had upset things a bit.
On an entirely different subject; Now mum has been at the care home for a few weeks - a positive step for both of us - I realise that it's not possible for her to shower daily. There are 40 residents so staff are understandably a bit stretched. Apparently everyone is assisted to have a wash daily, but on a couple of occasions I've noticed that mum is in need of a freshen up. particularly as I think there is the occasional 'accident'. It's a really difficult thing to bring up with staff. Also she has the habit of stashing used underwear in her handbag! Have other people experienced something like this?

 

[canary]

Also she has the habit of stashing used underwear in her handbag!

Oh that brings back a memory!
I took mum out of her care home to go for a walk along the seafront and then for lunch. While we were sitting in the cafe she opened her bag to find one of the multiple tissues that were inevitably stuffed in there and took out a pair of used knicks which she proceeded to blow her nose in

Sense of humour needed and dont sweat the small stuff!

 

[Sirena]

lol Canary, I agree you certainly do need a sense of humour!

My mother never seems 'unwashed' although I'm aware that most washing is a freshen up rather than a proper bath. My mother is still usually continent during the day, although she wears a pad at night. (The carers keep the residents continent by taking them regularly to the loo in the day, but obviously at night that isn't always possible.)

In answer to your question about the clocks changing, I haven't seen my mother since Sunday so I don't know how she's behaving this year, but last year it seemed to be a catalyst for a deterioration in her behaviour. At the beginning of November she started wandering regularly, it was the reason I started looking at care homes. It occurred to me it might be due to the time change, I never cope well with it myself so I guess it might be doubly disconcerting if you are already confused. Of course it could just be coincidence.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @alang
do have a chat with the senior on duty about anything that's on your mind - I always say hi to the staff each time I visit my dad, pass the time of day and ask how dad is - I've found this has built up relationships so that I can just mention something or ask a question, and so can they - they've pretty much seen and done everthing imaginable between them and don't take umbrage at all at anything I say - and this way I haven't had to complain as such as they realise when I am really concerned about something, and also know that I value their efforts
I too have slowly had to revise my ideas about showering/washing and don't expect a daily shower at all or even all over wash (dad isn't exactly co-operative these days) but the carers use cleaning foams and wipes when attending to his personal care

 

[alang]

Ah yes - multiple tissues in the handbag! Must be a thing - mum's 'never got a tissue' - just half a boxful in the handbag. Having retreived numerous knickers from there the other day I'd put them ready for the laundry staff when the care home 'character' - I'll call her Dorothy (not her real name) appeared. ''Ah yes, these are the ones'' she said, carefully choosing a pair, putting them in her pocket & wishing us a safe journey! I did have to smile.
Yes, I'm gradually getting to know the carers. They are always happy to have a chat & always seem to know whereabouts mum is when I arrive. I'm sure I could talk to them about anything.

 

[alang]

How is everyone doing on here? I'm very pleased to say that mum seems to be thriving at the care home. This week I was contacted by a lady at County Hall, presumably a social worker, who was about to visit mum for an assessment for DoLS - Deprivation of Liberty - Safeguarding. She went through a comprehensive set of questions with me, regarding how mum would have viewed being in a care home before she had Alzheimer's. All to do with establishing that a care home is in fact the correct place for her to be - or not. I was impressed that she had spotted an innacuracy on mum's profile information (in a frame on her bedroom wall) which could further confuse her, and had asked the home to correct it. Also she had observed that since moving there mum has become incontinent. This she suggests could partly be due to mum simply not being able to remember where to find the toilet & has asked that she be assisted to do so, to help with this.
The home tell me that mum has lost some weight. I suspect that this too is down to her not being prompted enough to eat her food - she just forgets that she's supposed to be eating it. I've also requested that she could have an extra bath or shower. All in all it's fairly positive & a far better situation than we were in before, with mum alone all day at home. She does seem far less anxious with people around her & although she still thinks I'm her brother, when I visit, I get none of the really weird & distressing comments about missing babies, the cat being a child & me being her boyfriend.

 

[canary]

Oh thats really positive @alang Im so glad to hear that your mum has not only settled, but is thriving.
It sounds like you too have adjusted to it.

PS - it wont do any harm to get the carers to assist her in toileting and may improve continence for a while, but I suspect that its just due to progression of the dementia.

 

[Sirena]

Glad your mum is doing so well, I know most PWDs don't want to move to a care home but it can work out really well.

At my mother's CH they take the residents to the toilet on a rota basis, I think they take my mother every 2 hours. That way they stay continent for longer. A few residents 'know when they need to go' but most don't, so the carers prompt and accompany them.

 

[alang]

I realised that I'd not looked in here for a while & would just like to report that my mum is continuing to thrive in her care home. Obviously her dementia is never going to "get better" but it's quite amazing how much her emotional wellbeing has improved since moving there last Autumn. She has completely lost the terrible anxiety & anger she suffered whilst living on her own and often tells me how happy she is with her "little lot". She can remember the names of fellow residents & enjoys their company, often sitting with the more distressed ones & talking to them. Between us, on my visits, we seem to have constructed a world where her parents are away on holiday & she goes to work, mostly, & stays at the 'respite home' at the weekends. She's no longer bothered by the fact her husband doesn't come home, or her boyfriend (!) and informs me that her son visits when he can. I couldn't be more pleased for her - and myself. I wouldn't have believed the change in her, had I not seen it for myself & it proves that having other people to interact with plays a massive part in mental/emotional health, particularly when, as my mum felt, the world had abandoned her. Of course, the care home seems a strange place to me (although I get more used to it every time I visit), but it doesn't to mum - she's quite at home there.

 

[charlie10]

and I'm guessing that's half the battle @alang....if your mum's happy you're happy(er) too. Glad to hear about a successful move to the CH, thank you for sharing that here, and I hope your mum continues to be content

 

[Sirena]

It's great to hear such a positive update. Your experience is similar to mine, my mother was very anxious when left on her own but that anxiety dissipated within weeks of her being in the care home. She's been there over a year now. I found the care home a very strange environment for the first few months but now it seems 'normal' to me - and certainly to her, it's her new world and she's happy in it.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Great to hear from you @alang and glad to hear your update. My mum is a lot less anxious, but not as content as yours. She can't remember her home or her life unless I remind her, but does know me and loves it when I'm there. I go every 4 days, and feel guilty but it's that or I'll lose myself in depression, so that's my decision! It was the right thing to do, for me and my family, and I remember reading your posts and others, and finding it helped so much. Hopefully she will become happier and chat more with the others in time, although no one there makes a huge amount of sense either!

 

[alang]

My mum has now been resident in her care home for one year & I'm pleased to say she's still thriving there. I'm very pleased by how well she seems when I visit. She's still mobile & impressively articulate. Her short term memory has, of course, completely abandoned her, but she can still hold a conversation & appears to have been doing some knitting. We can converse very easily when I visit - within her altered reality where her parents are still away on holiday & her son (I'm still 'her brother') visits when he can. In fact we get on far better now than we did when she was at home, with her having lost the anger she seemed to have developed against the world. She's like my mum again, sharing with me all the silly things we used to say to each other. I'd be very interested to learn exactly where she figures on the 'dementia spectrum', as she seems quite unlike most of her companions at the care home. There's still a good deal of her personality intact. So many of the worrying things, like there being a baby in the house to look after & a wayward spouse not having come home - all purely fictional of course - have disappeared with being in a place with other people.

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm glad you've got your mum back @alang. It sounds as though she's in a happy place now.

My dad's personality would often shine through until the very late stages - even though he didn't have a clue what was going on!

Enjoy these moments