To Holiday or not

[Thethirdmrsc]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

 

[Philbo]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

Hiya

Holidays with my wife spanned both prior to, and after diagnosis of dementia (FTD). In fact it was on a 4th visit to our favourite hotel in Ibiza, that several incidents made me realise that on our return, I really had to get her to see our GP (again) to address her worsening memory/behavioural problems.

I took the decision that it would not be safe (for her or me - I have a medical condition too) for us to go abroad on holiday on our own. So having then been diagnosed, we did go back to Ibiza a couple of years later with our son's and grand-kids. My wife was a bit disorientated plus she ended up being taken to hospital with a sickness bug. Although only kept in overnight (thankfully, I was able to stay with her on a camp bed), it was a bit of a nightmare.

The next year (glutton for punishment?), we all went to Crete, where there were no major incidents. She did, however, find it all very confusing and I don't think it benefited either of us, so that was the end of our trips away.

It really does depend on their level of awareness, cognitive abilities and behaviours, which only you can judge. My wife had retreated into her own happy little world, so would have gone wherever I led her but I knew that the time had come to call it a day.

Fast forward 3 years (she is only 68) and she had sadly recently had to move into residential nursing home care (see my post "Respite Woes").

It sounds as though your husband may no longer be safe to keep on driving? There have been many threads on TP about this issue and others, I am sure, will be able to offer suitable suggestions.

Kind regards
Phil

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Thank Phil
It’s not a holiday when there is so much stress involved. Kent was in fact where we went to as my step-dad lives there. As hubby is on a yearly licence there doesn’t seem to be any measures in place to keep an eye on him, apart from me.

 

[White Rose]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

Hello Thethirdmrsc - giving up driving was the worst thing for my partner, he also refused for a long time. There are centres that do a sort of driving test, he agreed to the test and after getting the feedback he finally accepted that he had to stop driving. It's not safe for you or other people on the roads for your husband to continue driving.
Re. holidays, we did a couple of cruises (which I hated!) and I found that he got used to the cabin (and it's small anyway so easy to find the bathroom). You also have the benefit of on board medical staff in case of any medical emergency and there's plenty of entertainment to keep them occupied. My partner is always asking to go away and go on a boat again but he is nearly 4 years on from diagnosis and I couldn't cope with looking after him 24/7 on holiday (it wouldn't be a holiday for me!).

 

[Cariad 42]

Hi, just to say I entirely empathize with your situation. Whilst we both drive my husband (PWD) always took the lead, based on his love for driving as he was an advanced driver to the nature of his job. Since his diagnosis, driving has become an issue, and we have now reached the stage where I have to

 

[Cariad 42]

Hi, just to say I entirely empathize with your situation. Whilst we both drive my husband (PWD) always took the lead, based on his love for driving as he was an advanced driver to the nature of his job. Since his diagnosis, driving has become an issue, and we have now reaced the stage where I have told him he can't drive. Without doubt it is an issue for us and whilst I spend a lot of energy manoervering around so many of the day to day challenges ( which are exhausting) I am not moving on this one. His disorientation around the house and other familiar places leads me to believe that he is not safe to drive. This is a huge over head on me, and the discussions continue, but, to coin a historic phrase " this women is not for turning".
When we holiday I do the driving in this country, and if we go abroad (where I prefer not to drive) I plan it so that neither of us needs to do so.
This all takes a lot of effort, but I'm not budging, and my husband now knows this. I've explained the risks to him (of hurting himself or others) and I am fortunate that he seems to understand. This is certainly not the case for everyone.
You need to have your holidays, but need to do so safely. I'm not sure if this helps XX

 

[Florencefennel]

My partner is 2 years post diagnosis of FTD. He has always been keen to go on holiday but I was concerned about how I would cope if he got lost. However, we have now had two river cruises on small boats which have been quite successful. We were picked up from home, driven to the airport and met by a rep. I made sure that everyone who needed to know, were told of his illness. We chose a cabin close by the stairs to the dining area(not popular with other travellers) but suited us well as he only had a short walk to & from the dining room and lounge. The other travellers were very understanding, especially when he would announce he was bored when he’d finished his meal and would go off for his cigarette leaving us to enjoy a chat. The reps kept an eye on him and we were off the boat every day for local trips so no time to get bored. I am now looking for a holiday for next year, perhaps on a different river but still keeping to small boats which are less confusing for him and sociable for me.

 

[worf]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

 

[worf]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

 

[worf]

My OH and I go on holiday in this country twice a year, normally to a caravan park so that we can take our dog too. Over the last few years though I have had to plan a bit more. For example making a few signs to put on the inside doors of caravan.... "toilet", "bedroom" etc because she does get dis-oriantated easily. ( about 12mths ago she didn't make it to the loo, which was upsetting for her). If we are out I always have to be more watchful so that she doesn't wander off and get lost, it's like dealing with a young child sometimes. However she enjoys going places even though she can't remember them after a few hours, it's all in moments. It can sometimes be a little stressful but can be rewarding seeing her enjoy the moments plus I enjoy going away. So long as it doesn't stress her and she is fairly happy we will continue to go on holiday together. With regard to driving we had to stop her driving mainly because of the risk of her getting lost plus we didn't want her to cause danger to someone else. It was a nightmare convincing her that it would be best for her to stop before the doctors forced her to. She was Moody and angry for several weeks but after about a month the feelings subsided. Many stories on here will refer to memory loss, but certain things seem to stick longer (always high emotional things more so). I feel happier that we managed to get her to stop driving as if she had carried on and had an accident it could have been so much worse.

 

[Bod]

Just wondering how and if others holiday with their PWD? We are just over 2 yrs in on diagnoses, and still have our camper van, and he still drives. This year has been quite difficult, culminating in a 1000 mile round trip in it to see my dad. He thought at one stage that the hard shoulder of the A1 was the near side lane. But talk of not driving and selling the van just makes him mad. We did have a week away in an air bnb, where for the entire week, he couldn’t find the loo, the bedroom or anywhere. It causes me endless stress. But I can’t tell him that.
How have others navigated these events?

Don't do it!
Contact your local road safety office, they may run Driver assessments, which will check his driving, if they feel he's not safe, then it's not your fault!
Short breaks, in familiar surroundings may work for a short while, but realistically holidays can be too stressful to do. More for the Carer than the PWD. who never sees the chaos caused.

Bod

 

[Olliebeak]

Over the years we have often stayed at one of the basic chain hotels (at airports, visiting family, weddings etc) and since OH’s diagnosis he can still cope with staying at these as the rooms are always laid out in exactly the same way so he can find the bathroom. This year we had a few days at a leisure hotel, another chain much advertised on TV with lots of activities and entertainment. Fortunately the room had the same layout as the others so he could find the bathroom. There were other people in the hotel with physical as well as dementia type problems so nobody bothered about odd behaviour. I hated it but OH had a lovely time!

There are holiday companies that specialise in taking couples where one person has dementia and they even offer carers and activities so you can get some time out. Our local Alzheimer’s Soc had information on these or try Google.

As to driving - the DVLA were informed of my husbands diagnosis by the memory clinic and he had his licence withdrawn. He was devastated but at least I was not the bad guy who told him he could not drive,

 

[mancmum]

I found a care home on Madeira which specialises in providing care for local residents and respite holidays. Father was content there because the view was of the sea and he imagined he was back in his home town on the East Coast of the UK. Residents got a glass of wine with every meal except breakfast and a kiss and cuddle on getting up. There was lots of space and it was warm. We took all of last months newspapers with us and father re-read them and so long as the date agreed with his watch he was happy. We didn't leave him all the time but we did have go off some afternoons/evenings with just me and my husband. At the time the pound was much stronger and quite frankly it would have been a contender for a permanent placement. Now he is physically active but it takes all his remaining mental powers to keep going. A word of warning passport controll was a nightmare with no allowance for someone who didn't know why they had to take their trouser belt off and certainly wasn't going to do it because an officious 13 year old had told them to. Also madeira whilst a great climate does have some windy spells despite taking a mid day flight to avoid an early get up we got to Madeira and couldn't land and had to be diverted to Faro.

I won't take him away again but he did enjoy that time and if I had had more time then I would have stayed for a month and in the winter it did him good. No worrying about coats etc.

 

[Summers Day]

My husband has just had an official diagnosis of dementia although this has come on gradually. This year was the first time I realised our holidays were not going to be the same as before - we usually go self catering in a couple of cottages over two weeks but because he couldn’t find bathroom etc it was a nightmare - one small cottage would have been enough. He also had no interest in what we did each day so I was having to make those decisions as well - we came home half way through the second week ! I think you learn from these experiences and acknowledge that things are not going to be the same but it is hard.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

My husband has just had an official diagnosis of dementia although this has come on gradually. This year was the first time I realised our holidays were not going to be the same as before - we usually go self catering in a couple of cottages over two weeks but because he couldn’t find bathroom etc it was a nightmare - one small cottage would have been enough. He also had no interest in what we did each day so I was having to make those decisions as well - we came home half way through the second week ! I think you learn from these experiences and acknowledge that things are not going to be the same but it is hard.

Hi@summers Day, my OH also gets anxious, and the repeat questions get come faster, it seems such a big thing to contemplate for him. I hate having to always make the decisions!

 

[Summers Day]

Hi@summers Day, my OH also gets anxious, and the repeat questions get come faster, it seems such a big thing to contemplate for him. I hate having to always make the decisions!

Hi @Thethirdmrsc
I my OH spent the spent most of the time in the rented house looking for things and rooms ! so I was constantly running round after him ! I think a plan in advance of things to do and see would have been useful for me especially - like you I hate making all the running - it’s tiring and I feel I am taking over his independence but if I don’t do it then we do nothing there is a company called DementiaAdventure I am thinking of trying next year.