I have no idea how to cope with Christmas

[Fab47]

My Dad lives alone 150 miles away from me and I'm an only child. He has moderate alzheimers. He's still managing to cope living alone as he attends a day centre Mon - Fri and we have carers coming on the other days along with family support. He is completely obsessed with the day centre and would live there 24/7 given half a chance!

I just don't know what to do about Christmas. Last year we had only just lost my Mum so myself and my husband and three children spent a pretty miserable Christmas staying in an airbnb close by him (he has gone beyond coping with anyone staying over as he can't deal with the changes to his routine). We picked him up Christmas Eve-Boxing Day each day and brought him to the house and all he did was worry about what time he would be going home, he didn't enjoy it at all!! This year I really want my kids to have Christmas at home , its so important to me because I'm pretty sure this is the last year my little one will believe in Santa and I want us all to enjoy it after last year and I want it to be special for her. We really don't think Dad could cope with making the trip up to stay with us or cope with staying in our very noisy busy home! So there is my dilemma , what do I do ? I can't make everyone happy. We are a small family and the only other family member is my Aunt who is going away this Christmas so if we aren't there he will see no one. The only idea I had was to put him in some respite care if he was interested as he loves the day centre so much....but is this terrible and am I being selfish??

Dementia is the worst. I could cope so much better if Dad had a physical illness but this is relentless.

 

[Sirena]

Your dad is obviously sociable and likes company at his day centre, so respite sounds a very good idea. If you do want to do this, I'd start making enquiries now to see what is available. Your dad is no longer able to enjoy Christmas at your house but you can arrange a Christmas which will be right for him. Wanting to enjoy Christmas with your children isn't at all selfish.

My mother is in a CH now, but before that she didn't come to me for Christmas as she would have hated the journey and wanted to be at home (and she definitely would not have left her cat!) She had daily carers, and her favourite carer went in for several hours on Christmas Day, which kept her in her usual routine.

 

[jugglingmum]

its so important to me because I'm pretty sure this is the last year my little one will believe in Santa

My opinion is you need to do what's right for your kids, and enjoy them at this age.

My kids were 8 and 12 when we had a massive crisis 3 days before xmas day which invloved a late night rescue mission of my mum - getting me to bed at 5am - goodness knows how I pulled off xmas that year, but I was still wrapping at 4 am on Christmas day (my kids have always had to be woken up for xmas - late night xmas eve so I always wake up before them so they weren't up until 9).

If your dad would accept respite I'd go for it. I have always tried to make sure my kids haven't had their lives too affected by mum's illness, although sometimes I have had to put mum first when mini crisis happened.

 

[Kevinl]

No brainer, day centre would be the best option for all of you if you can find somewhere he could settle but a better option might be in a "hotel" (or despite care home) if you could sell it to him as a hoilday , all inclusive, waited on, food on demand and all the rest, finances permitting and local availability.
My wife made the best Christmases ever for our kids. I'm no Santa but she made them so special for them, last thing she'd want to do now is mess it all up so I tell our kids to give us a miss at Christmas, she won't know and sharing the misery of Alzheimer's isn't going to make a good Christmas ad for any of the major supermarkets, sharing is one thing, sharing AZ is another.
K

 

[canary]

Id spend Christmas with your kids. Your dad cant cope with coming to you, he cant cope with you all being there and your family were miserable last time you tried it. I know that you cant make everybody happy, but there is no point in then making everybody unhappy.

If you can find some respite care (its not always easy to get) go for it and then come and celebrate Christmas with him afterwards. Its what I did when mum was in her care home - she wasnt aware it was Christmas anyway!

 

[Rosserk]

Why not ask at the day centre if they know of any respite care that would be suitable for your dad. They are bound to know the area and what might be a suitable place for him to go to.

 

[Lawson58]

I think you need to enjoy your Christmas with your family. If you do manage to get your dad into respite, perhaps you could arrange a special lunch out a few days before or after as a little celebration.

My husband had a cardiac arrest just before Christmas and we had an awful day. I was trying to cook food and people were popping in to see him and visit us at home and it was chaos. He was very ill and we had no idea if he was going to survive but in hindsight I wouldn't try to do that again.

I hope you find somewhere suitable for him.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Christmas is important to you from a family perspective but does it mean that much to your Dad? Like what Kevinl and Canary have said above, my wife is not really aware of dates, times or occasions. Last year we did not bother with Christmas at all (no cards sent and those received just put to one side as they confused her) and went on a familiar outing with our dog. Maybe you are worrying too much. Even if he knows that it is Christmas your Dad may prefer the familiarity of his home routine. You can celebrate with him at another time after you have had your Christmas at home.

 

[Izzy]

I’m with others on this, You need to make Christmas special for your family. It sounds as if he loves the company in the day care centre so respite might be the answer if you can get it. You would be able to relax and enjoy your family time without worrying about your dad.

 

[AshestoAshes]

Definitely look at respite care. My dad also has moderate dementia and is now in a care home so this year will be easier, but last year I was in a very similar position re distance and everything. I drove to get him, drove him to stay with us for several days over Christmas, and he was just really unsettled, kept wandering the house and asking to go home. And your kids are important too.

 

[TNJJ]

I would spend it with your family. I am spending it on my own this year(my choice).I have found it too stressful for me over the last few years as I’m left to do everything.So this year ,I’m not.
Dad has carers in So he will see someone.

 

[Sarasa]

Last year my mum booked herself into my brother's for Christmas in October. When it actually came to it she really struggled. She kept on thinking my sister-in-law and her sister were the hired help and had a total meltdown when she thought we were deliberately freezing her. She said afterwards she'd enjoyed it, but the rest of us were totally washed out by it all. She is now in a care home, and I have no intention of taking her anywhere for Christmas.
I think starting to look for some respite care for the holidays is a very good idea.

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree. I’m sure your dad would enjoy respite more than a confusing family Christmas.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Last year my mum booked herself into my brother's for Christmas in October. When it actually came to it she really struggled. She kept on thinking my sister-in-law and her sister were the hired help and had a total meltdown when she thought we were deliberately freezing her. She said afterwards she'd enjoyed it, but the rest of us were totally washed out by it all. She is now in a care home, and I have no intention of taking her anywhere for Christmas.
I think starting to look for some respite care for the holidays is a very good idea.

I agree with other posters. Put your children first. Before my mother-in-law went into care, my husband refused to have his mother at our house at Christmas. She was always reluctant to go out anyway and had little concept of time and seasons. We had had so many unpleasant Christmases with her tantrums and criticism even before the dementia diagnosis, that we continued with the carers over Christmas. The cost was double of course, but my husband considered it money well spent, so the family didn't have to deal with her

 

[myss]

@Fab47 I think you've got your answer from the other replies!. I agree with the general sentiment too, respite care seems to be the best option since your dad doesn't enjoy being away from home and he wasn't too comfortable when your family was at his place. You can't win! He appears to enjoy the social scene of a day centre and will have the added bonus that he can stay overnight with respite care. I hope you will be able to find somewhere suitable.

 

[Fab47]

Thank you so much to all of you for replying - I feel so much better after reading all your lovely replies . I now know I'm making the right decision - I'm going to try to enquire about respite at the nursing home that is joined onto the day Centre first and then look at other homes if thats not an option. Thanks again

 

[Susan11]

Thank you so much to all of you for replying - I feel so much better after reading all your lovely replies . I now know I'm making the right decision - I'm going to try to enquire about respite at the nursing home that is joined onto the day Centre first and then look at other homes if thats not an option. Thanks again

It doesn't mean you can't spend "Christmas" with your Dad but it doesn't have to Be on Christmas Day!!! Me, my husband , my daughter, her partner ,her small son will travel by car and train the 200 miles to see my Mum on Christmas eve and she will celebrate Christmas Day in the Care home . We will take up Crackers and fancy hats etc and decorate the table in the restaurant as Mum can still get out. Otherwise they have a spare room in the Care home which we can use. I sell it to Mum as she is very lucky and has 2 Christmas Days . They go to a lot of effort to make sure the residents have a great Christmas day in the Care home and most of the residents stay in the home.
Respite definitely sounds like a good solution.

 

[Fab47]

Thank you again to all who replied with such good advice, it spurred me on and I now have Dad booked into the respite room in the care home next door to the dementia day centre that he attends. I've also made plans in between Christmas and New Year to see him so he won't miss out on seeing us all but hopefully we can all have a much more enjoyable Christmas than last year. I'm sure he will enjoy it and because its associated with the day centre it won't be so confusing for him. I still feel guilty but I also feel relief!

 

[Sarasa]

That sounds like a great solution, glad you could get it sorted.