my father is at the end of his tether caring for mum

sarahlou

Registered User
Sep 20, 2008
2
0
my dad cared for mum on his own until his health deteriorated and he now shares it with a full time carer. they are both worn out and dad is highly stressed - mum is in late stages. I am very concerned for his health and the quality of care my mum is now receiving. He has been a wonderful carer but i now hear him shout at her due to his exhaustion when i phone him and he is too tired to speak to me. He will not entertain the idea of her going into a nursing home and is even showing hostility towards me when i try and discuss the situation. i don't what to do but think i may try and speak to their GPs.
 

lilacwarm

Registered User
Apr 5, 2008
18
0
u.k
hi sarahlou. i would speak to your gp. my dad like yours cared for my mum as long as he could but there comes a time i think personally when you need to ask for help. i spoke to our gp about my concerns and a cpnurse went to visit at home.kind regards
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
0
near London
Hi sarahlou

this is a common situation. Nobody wants what they see as the dreaded care home in the equation.

However, there can come a stage when that is the only viable option.

I would never have considered it and would have willingly run myself into the ground, caring for my Jan - and darn nearly did so. In the end, her condition, and my realisation that it was her interests that counted and that my insisting on her being at home was selfishness on my own part - that was when I agreed.

Your Dad may be in a better condition to help Mum if he is not drained with 24 hour caring for her.

... never going to be an easy solution though. After Jan has been 7 years in the home, I still ask myself "could I have managed longer"
 

sarahlou

Registered User
Sep 20, 2008
2
0
dad at end of tether

thank you for the replies - at least i know others understand the situation. i will phone the gp today.
 

taylorcat

Registered User
Jun 18, 2006
171
0
W.Scotland
Oh Sarahlou, your post brought back vivid memories for me. My Dad was the very same. Always putting my Mum first to the detriment of his own health. I posted here many times about how to deal with the situation as I could see him going downhill fast. He would argue with me and sometimes completely ignore me when I suggested help. As long as he thought Mum was alright, he said he was alright.

The only thing that unfortunately worked in the end was when Dad was taken into hospital and diagnosed with leukaemia. I would like to think totally unrelated to the stress he was under.
 

CraigC

Registered User
Mar 21, 2003
6,633
0
London
Sarahlou,

My mum fought tooth and nail to keep dad at home, but her own health suffered and there came a time when we had to take over and make the decision for her. I appreciate you are not at that point yet but your concerns show that some action and help is needed sooner rather than later.

The best step we took was to arrange an assesment of needs by the social worker, this was to get some help at home and also to ensure mum had the right finances in place. The first social worker who came to see mum realised how badly she was coping and at least discussed care alternatives including day care and respite care. After that, the social services left us to it to be honest as we were self-funded BUT at least they made mum realise that she was not coping and needed more help; planted the seed. She knew it deep down, but her love for dad held her back and care was such a painful step.

You may also want to read this thread:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=10947&highlight=When+is+it+time

I looked at day centres care homes in advance, it is good to be prepared and see what is available. The quality of care is surprising different and it is worth visiting homes well in advance rather than doing it when there is a crisis.

Sorry you are in this difficult position and keep us informed
Craig
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
my dad cared for mum on his own until his health deteriorated and he now shares it with a full time carer

What kind of help does your father receive?

I had a Lovely social worker in the past, who realized I was not coping, but also realized I was very reluctant to put mum in a care home full time .

Thinking back now, she must of have understood how hard it is to make that step into full time care home , but was just being very diplomatic about it .
So she came up with a plan. Mum only was having one day at day centre; also I had no respite in place. So she organised 8 weeks respite a year for mum to go into a care home, also another 2 days at day centre, over the years mum care needs have became higher , so she organise another 3 days at day centre so mum go 5 days a week , also sent me on a few courses about called “ looking after you “

May be you just need to be very diplomatic with your father, don’t over rule him, by going to the doctors (unless of course his on death doors, has bad heart problem going to give himself a heart attack) otherwise your just get his back up, he take all his frustration out on you and all commutation between the 2 of you is going to break down
Like like Craig says get the social worker in as someone must of organised the support you father receiving , then social worker can talk to your father about respite care home for a few weeks for your mother , so your father can have a break.

I know when I am getting very snappy at my mother it’s a sure sign, I need respite care, otherwise I am going down in my health, I’ve only realise that since mum been going to respite care homes for the last 2 years Also make me realise that Care home as not that bad . Well some of them .
 
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