Hoping to find someone to help...feeling lost

[CharlieNoodle]

Hi,
I have just joined talking point thanks to a lovely lady who works for Alzheimer's society who told me about this forum, I have recently started attending a dementia café which has offered me some great support and help with my situation which is quite a complicated one.
My Mum received a diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's 3 years ago, she lives away with her husband who currently has Power of Attorney of her health & well being and vice versa for him. My Mum has expressed a desire for me to also have Power of Attorney for her health and well being but she is worried at what her husband will say on the matter, is this something we can do for me to have it as well as him and if so how can I start the ball rolling on this?
Sorry for the length of this thread and thank you in advance to anyone who is able to offer support on this

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @CharlieNoodle you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

The rules on these matters are different in my region but I've put some links below where you can search for your answer. Beyond that, I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[CharlieNoodle]

Thank you so much @karaokePete
Thank you for your response and for the information, I am struggling with so many things and our situation is a complex and difficult one as I am sure many are but it is so nice to have people to turn to and who have advice and support for me. I hope I will be able to make our situation a bit less complex soon so I can concentrate on looking out for my lovely Mum

I will be sure to have a good look through the links you sent me and thanks again, I will be sure to utilise the wealth of information that this forum has to offer

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @CharlieNoodle

When my husband and I had mutual powers of attorney our son was the second name.

When my husband died it was recommended I had a second name on my POA just in case anything happened to my son and my eldest granddaughter is the second name.

If your mother and her husband have mutual POAs might it be an idea for a second name and might it be a way to approach your mother`s husband.

 

[Lawson58]

Following my husband's cardiac arrest, it was important to get POAs in place. but the only way he would agree was if we each had them for each other. However, at the same we added my children on it in case one of us would not be able to fulfill their duties. He was being assessed at the time for AD and was quite paranoid, cantankerous and uncooperative.

 

[canary]

I did exactly the same as @Lawson58 , for exactly the same reasons.

 

[CharlieNoodle]

Hi,
Thank you everyone for your messages and it is all very helpful to me, this really is a great resource to have as sadly we all have something in common.
My Mum is eager for me/my brother or both to have POA of her health and well being but unfortunately we are up against my step father who is quite a controlling man, it has been mentioned to him and he has said it is a good idea but then nothing comes of it so I was wondering if there is anything else that could be done. The situation is not an easy one and one that is causing me a lot of worry. She is currently sound of mind but I do not want it to be the case where she is not and then it is too late to do anything :-(

 

[Banjomansmate]

Your Mum can cancel the original PoA and donate a new one with you included on it if she is considered as having the capacity to do so, it is her decision not his! If she makes it jointly and severally her husband can still make decisions without your input. Does she have one for Finance too?

 

[Beanie01]

If you’re in the UK you can set up the Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) to have as many attorneys as you like, although you don’t want to make it too complicated. You can set it up that the attorneys have to agree on decisions or each one can make a decision separately. My sister and I have LPA for my mum where we can act jointly or separately, because we know we are on the same page, so to speak, regarding her care. There is a lot of information on gov.uk regarding LPA’s as well

 

[Sirena]

I assume your mother would need to take out a new POA with all the attorneys named on it (your step father, you and your brother). It is your mother who needs to do this - but you can assist her by downloading the forms and giving them to her, and guiding her in what she needs to do. If you want to go through a solicitor to do it, she would need to make an appointment (or someone can do it for her, but she needs to attend and express her wishes). If she has mobility issues, you could find a solicitor to come to her house. There is an association of solicitors who are experts in 'elder care', you can google to find one nearby.

In terms of a 'second name' on a POA there are different applications of that. You want to have an equal say, in which case you'd need to be a joint attorney. There is a second named attorney on my mother's POA (her solicitor) but he is only allowed to act if I am unable to, he has no input while I am still acting.

 

[CharlieNoodle]

My brother and I have POA for her finances but nothing was put in place for POA for the H&W being until this year when apparently the POA was put in jointly for them for each other.
I have tried to build her up that it is her choice and not his and she says she knows but she does not want to 'rock the boat' as she says. Its very frustrating
I will have a look at all you have sent and see what I can do, I also do not want to rock the boat as it would make things worse for my Mum. Not fair I know but unfortunately our very real reality as she lives quite far away at the moment its best to keep things as uneventful as we can
Thank you all x

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Maybe you could put it to your step-father that he too needs to change/amend his POA. As your mum has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers, it's quite likely she will pre-decease him which would leave him with no other name on his POA.

If you took that approach, i.e. concern for them both to get their affairs in order, he might be more amenable than if he thinks you are trying to take control/power away from him.

Having said that, you do already have the more important financial POA for your mum. I have the old Enduring Power of Attorney for mum which is just finance - there is no POA for H & W. I've never been asked if I have H & W, neither can I imagine a situation where I would need it, though mum does have an Advance Directive (Living Will) that expresses her wishes. That might be something you could arrange for your mum, especially if step-father won't co-operate.

 

[CharlieNoodle]

Thank you @Jaded'n'faded, it's a good point you make and way to put it to him, I will try and work that into things when I next speak to him about it all thanks. It's quite frustrating as I have to be very careful and choice about what I say so not to rock the boat and make things bad for my poor Mum. Hopefully we will be able to get it all sorted soon and settled soon so we all have peace of mind on the plans for the welfare of Mum

 

[CharlieNoodle]

Thank you again everyone for your advice and support xx

 

[Sirena]

I only have financial LPA, not H&W, and like @Jaded'n'faded I have never been asked for H&W. However I am my mother's only close relative and I have dealt with all her care without anyonelse wanting input, which is different to your situation. I believe it's when there are disagreements amongst family that H&W tends to be useful. Persuading your stepfather that it would be a good idea for both him and your mother to have joint attorneys could be a good way to go.

 

[canary]

I think it is a good idea to have more than one attorney anyway. You could put it to him that what would happen if they were both involved in an accident and then neither of them would have have someone to speak for them.

 

[Rosserk]

I set up POA on the government website. You fill the forms in online print them off and get them signed, then you send them off to be registered. It costs £82 and is really simple to do all you need is someone who knows your mum to witness your signatures, you don’t need a solicitor. All the instructions are on the website. You can do finances and welfare.