Dear everyone,
Firstly, thanks so much for all the replies to my original post. I've been relentlessly busy since I posted, moving mum into the home and then sorting and clearing her house and moving all of her stuff into storage. And working too. It's been tough, physically and emotionally, but while I didn't have time to log in and reply, I did read your posts and they were a huge help. This forum is so supportive and I really, really appreciate it.
In that spirit, I just thought I'd post an update on what it's all been like, in case anyone else finds that helpful. I could post separately about how I found and booked the care home but the short version is that the councils and social workers didn't make life easy - especially since mum was moving to a new area. But she's self funding and I found this place through google and booked direct, having checked out a few and this feeling like the nicest one.
Quick recap: mum was selling her house in Hertfordshire to move closer to me and my family, her grandchildren, even before her mixed dementia diagnosis earlier this year. We had to sell really quickly suddenly last month, or risk breaking the chain and having to start again. So mum's move into the retirement home was meant to be/may be, temporary. Because of that, mum didn't put up a fight about going in, she was just glad to be getting out of the house and moving nearer to us at last.
I dreaded the day of her move, however packing was relatively easy (they told me to pack as if she was going on a 2 week holiday, which worked well) and she literally didn't look back at the house she's lived in for 40 years or seem even remotely sad about leaving the lovely village she raised me in. We drove to London and she asked several times why she couldn't just move in with me but seemed to understand that it would be tricky with all our stairs and boring during the day with the house empty while we were at school/work/nursery. We went for lunch near the home and it took so long I realised I'd have to pick my kids up from school and have them with us when we moved her in, which I thought was going to be a disaster - they are 4 and 2 and I worried they would at best be a massive distraction and at worst possibly witness Granny being upset.
But actually, they made it quite fun. They loved running around the place, meeting all the staff and residents and all the available biscuits. Mum's room has a hospital bed that can be raised up and down with a remote control and the kids think it's the most fun thing ever. So the fact that they thought it was fun made Mum look at it differently I think. We talked it up like it was a hotel.
However the next afternoon when I went to see her she was a bit gutted about it - she was and is pretty disturbed by many of the residents sitting around in the lounge, basically asleep all day. And I think some of the dementia patients are a bit further along and shout or cry for help in a way that mum finds pretty distressing. She cannot cope with the idea that she belongs in there with them at all and so has avoided joining in any of the activities, which is a shame because actually I think the group is more mixed than she realises.
In any case, I've been feeling hugely guilty about it all and wondering if I've put her into a place she's just not ready for, arranging visits from friends most days and going along myself most days too so she can see friendly faces and go out for a walk. This isn't sustainable, of course, but either she'll settle in or we'll come up with another plan. I have to say along with the guilt I've also had the happier sensation of being able to relax knowing she is at least physically safe, cared for and cleaner than she has been in a while. Her clothes are fresh and yesterday she had her hair done, which she was really happy about. She looks more like herself than she has for a year.
I've been thinking that maybe with a few weeks of this support she'll get back on her own feet a little, and today I had a chat with the nurses about how maybe she doesn't need residential care, and maybe she could go into extra care sheltered housing, or something like that for a while. The carers and I booked some time to talk about it properly next week, and then I took mum and the kids out for dinner.
Later, while we were leaving the restaurant, mum got into a panic, saying she couldn't leave without me (using my name, but as if she was talking to someone else about me). I was pretty shocked because it's the first time she has been confused about who I am. It took a good few minutes for her to come to the car with us, but even when she did she kept saying she shouldn't be leaving without the children's mother. I'm gutted. Maybe the upheaval of the move has provoked a further decline, maybe she was just very tired and it won't mean she can't be more independent but we'll work that out later and, either way, I feel like at least I'm not worried about whether she's safe where she is when I go to bed tonight.
It has made things easier in some ways and harder in others. But for now I think I'd rather she was a bit upset about being with people she considers older and sicker than her but completely safe; than happier but at any physical risk.
This post has turned out long, again, but I'm posting in the hope it might help someone out there trying to make or live with tricky decisions. Your posts have all been a great help for me. Thank you again and hugs to you all.
what would happen to your mum if you were hospitalised for weeks ? I know it is a ridiculously hard decision and I feel for you immensely , BUT you have to do what is right for you now, your mum will not get better as you know , she may even thrive in the right home . Please please seriously consider it , the staff would surely be able to help in getting mum in the door or could hubby/and or son do it ? You are going to need to recuperate without having to care for someone else , it’s not a sustainable situation , try and step back and see what you would say to someone else in the same situation. I hope this doesn’t upset or offend you but I too am concerned about you . Wish you a speedy recovery. Take care
