Caring for dad but problems with sister

[Wildflowerlady]

Hi I am a new member and am a bit nervous so hope I do this right. I certainly don't want to come across as a moaning Minnie so to speak but I'm really struggling with my emotions and its making me unwell.
Dad was finally diagnosed with mixed dementia in early 2018 although it was suspected way before he's now 85 yrs old. My sister and I came back together after not speaking for over 20 years due to an argument. We live pretty close to each other and our dad is just a short drive for me a very short walk for her. It was something nasty years ago she said to me that caused the rift and the consequences affected the whole family in one way or another. Following the passing of our mother in 2016 somehow everything just slotted into caring for our dad and the past wasn't spoken about as she didn't want to. Dad is now doubly incontinent has care coming to his home four times daily and has frozen meals delivered weekly for lunch which carer heats up. Care has been coming in daily since October 2017 following a stay in hospital for a UTI. My sister and I had also started a routine whereupon we would separately visit dad in evening and then early the following morning doing this alternate days each, occasionally we met up for some of his appointments, sister doesn't drive. As care could arrive a bit late we most often were getting dad up after detaching night catheter and giving dad a full cooked breakfast something he now expects daily which carer doesn't have time to do. Care for dad has involved dealing with very personal issues if carer not around, its something I have done many times and dealt with but struggled. Its all been just too personal for me he's my dad I just want to be his daughter again too. I would never imagined having to delve into something so private to him although he seems not to mind telling me to get on with it he can be rather abrupt and not very nice in his manner. Dad refuses a bath or shower and hasn't had one in almost three years. I do love my dad and want to help and because of that I got through the issues of cleaning him up when necessary. My sister has found this side of thing easier as she has a handicapped daughter so has been her carer throughout her life, her daughter is now an adult. So now to the problem I have which is destroying my health and that of my Partner as we are so stressed, I am constantly being made to feel by my sister now that I am letting her and my dad down. At the very end of June this year I came to the decision I simply couldn't continue with this routine any longer. My Partner is 76 yrs old he was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2008 most likely had it a bit longer he also had a heart attack in May 2018 and was rushed to Papworth to have stents fitted. Partner is now very anxious and has started to experience some falls which he has no control over, he has always been very supportive of my visits to dad. My sister has not accepted my decision has blocked me from messaging her on whats app which we used daily to update our visits to dad, possibly blocked me on her mobile as always goes to voicemail and doesn't answer my texts which may only require a polite yes or no answer. My sister now only corresponds via email when she wants to. There has been a couple of nasty calls via dads phone when I rang to speak with him and she ended up swearing etc at me telling me I have dumped him on his carers she has now denied the calls. To be honest she had started to pick on me and my care of dad in the few weeks leading up to my decision complaining that 9am was not early enough to go to him etc. but its the time I had always gone to him so why it started to bother her I'm not sure. I still visit my dad regularly in afternoons albeit now 5 days a week not daily all of this its taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm doing my best but its just not good enough for her I would value some honest feedback. I have said I can still help out with stuff his washing, shopping picking up medication etc most of the things we shared before. It doesn't need to involve the mornings when Partner needs me most but she's blocking some of my attempts to help and dad is constantly saying don't do this or that it will upset your sister. Just doing a shopping list or offering to hoover can get him irritated with me for fear of it upsetting her..My sister is now going every morning to cook him breakfast but that is her choice I haven't interfered with what she does and she has decided to drop her evening visit. Care come in at 9pm to put dad to bed..Sister now says she will no longer do dad any shopping whatsoever its something we had done between us. I see her actions as just another way for her to get some control over me but I am OK to do his shopping and don't really mind its the cocky way she told me. My sister has often tried to control what I do even asking me to change my epileptic dogs medication times to fit in with getting to my dad before 9am even suggested I drag my partner along in the morning to go to dad but I'm not prepared to do that besides which his medication takes time to work..Petty things to deliberately upset me, cancelled the schedule of dads care visits that care company sent me so I had to call to have it sent again, removed a book that I provided for us to leave care any notes or messages. I have asked her twice to put it back but she hasn't just ignored me. I was also becoming very depressed and mentally and physically exhausted having to take on more daily chores at my own home, walking my own dog as Partner cannot take her out. Dad still has his dog but its us that have walked him picked up his mess etc for the last three years and quite often he poops in the house as dog had back surgery leaving a weakened bowel. My dad crates his dog far too much. I feel sorry for the dog but he is some company for dad but I question constantly the welfare of his dog and its needs, I cannot take dads dog on besides he wouldn't let his dog go to anyone else yet..My sister is doing everything she can to make my life difficult manipulating my dad so that he is taking her side causing him to be irritated with me. I know she is having a hard time too but dad does have his carers coming in. I am now told I cannot visit on a Wednesday afternoon simply because she doesn't want me there she tells me I'm not invited. SHE doesn't want me there. A neighbour that moved away years ago decided to visit dad back in May/June after he wrote to her with my help following a card she sent him. Visits appear to be every other week now, I have met her twice but sister now cooks her lunch when she visits and has become her 'friend'. Both sister and 'friend' told me to leave dads home when I went to visit neither contacted me and basically don't inform me of the visit. I've emailed my sister explained my position fully with my Partner and his condition that has now progressed she just doesn't get it, she's only met him twice. I have told her its dads home she can't decide when I visit. My sister doesn't go in afternoons at all unless his visitor comes which to be honest I think has become more a social visit for them. Visits lasting 4 hours far too long for dad anyway. My dad was very distressed after her last visit when I was told to leave as he was under coercion to tell me to go too which he did. Dad apologised next time I saw him surprising given his memory can sometimes be just minutes he said he was wrong asking me to go home and that I was his daughter too and he loves me, of course he has now lost that memory actually thinks visitor comes twice a year only..
So what do I do give into her demands give her the control she wants and stay away or stick to my guns and visit when I want to. I see it as her problem if she doesn't want me there but seems like visitor thinks the same too. I didn't want to fall out with her ever again it was nice to have a sister again and I genuinely thought we had become friends. I have no problem crossing her path I will be civil, I haven't told her she can't be there at any time she wants its dad home his choice and he wants us to get along. I just cannot understand why she would want this its hurting our dad.. Its the same thing all over again as for over 20 years we avoided each other at our parents home but it was always more her issue than mine I only ever wanted a apology for the hurtful thing she did but let it go completely when dad needed us. I might add I am 60 yrs old sister 63 yrs sadly we have always had a tumultuous relationship since childhood. I honestly think the issue is deep rooted and she never wanted a sister at any time. I have said in my emails I cannot understand why she is like this its not what I want and her behavior is affecting our dad and his moods with me. So now I have vented am I a terrible daughter for changing things around?.Its upsetting me to the point I can barely sleep and its a constant source of conversation in my home now, even my daughter many miles away is sick of it. I just want to help dad but I need to support my partner too.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Family and/or sibling dynamics can be difficult and even sharing of caring or one person doing the bulk is often a cause of conflict. I had 2 fairly invisibles who were non communicative most of the time.

However, if it were me I would stick to my guns and visit when you are able/can/want to whilst probably pointing out to her that neither of you are the people that matter in all of this...it is your dad. I feel a little concerned for the dog though as it seems that for one reason or another his freedom around the house is being restricted now and your dad's inevitable decline may mean that a hard decision may have to be taken at some stage.For your dad proactive visits and help are needed from both of you and that yes remind your sister that you both have other demanding caring roles and responsibilities in your own homes.

Emotionally I would draw a line under what has gone on between you in the past and accept that it will most likely not improve and once your dad has passed away contact may cease altogether.

Caring arrangements often have to change due to family circumstances, don't let your sister make you feel guilty...as you said the problems she feels are hers not yours.When your mum was around she was probably able to smooth things or defend you to the sister and now that has gone so she is s loose controlling canon!

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Family and/or sibling dynamics can be difficult and even sharing of caring or one person doing the bulk is often a cause of conflict. I had 2 fairly invisibles who were non communicative most of the time.

However, if it were me I would stick to my guns and visit when you are able/can/want to whilst probably pointing out to her that neither of you are the people that matter in all of this...it is your dad. I feel a little concerned for the dog though as it seems that for one reason or another his freedom around the house is being restricted now and your dad's inevitable decline may mean that a hard decision may have to be taken at some stage.For your dad proactive visits and help are needed from both of you and that yes remind your sister that you both have other demanding caring roles and responsibilities in your own homes.

Emotionally I would draw a line under what has gone on between you in the past and accept that it will most likely not improve and once your dad has passed away contact may cease altogether.

Caring arrangements often have to change due to family circumstances, don't let your sister make you feel guilty...as you said the problems she feels are hers not yours.When your mum was around she was probably able to smooth things or defend you to the sister and now that has gone so she is s loose controlling canon!

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Thank you for replying to my post I am still so upset/angry that my sister doesn't understand why I have had to change my visiting arrangements with dad and I have no doubt when he passes that we will never speak again. I am sad that she isn't looking at the bigger picture and that when dad goes we will have to be in each others presence to make arrangements settle his last bits and bobs. It would seem now that his neighbour has visited this Wednesday morning so her visit I presume was not so long for dad which I am glad about. I was concerned about the length of her visit as he does like his own space so to speak and is constantly complaining about his carers coming in and out. I am a bit perturbed that when I called him to ask if he was happy for me to visit him which was the same day but in the afternoon that he didn't mention this lady was actually there. I did expect my sister to be there and she did actually answer dads phone but sister also chose not to mention of visitor. I suspected someone was there but assumed it was a carer as sister was actually cordial which was a bit of a giveaway to not being alone with dad. I am convinced he was told not to say anything as sister took rather a long time to pass the telephone to him after I had informed her of a couple of medical appointments that had come through for him as GP surgery always text me. Dad did not mention his visitor to me when I arrived but obviously it was in the carers notes as book is on worktop he did eventually tell me but I could see he would probably have preferred not to say anything. My visits to dad are getting difficult he is becoming quite hostile towards me and its clear that in his eyes sister can do no wrong he even told me she is very very ill sick etc which I know nothing about but it could be her way of making dad feel more grateful for his breakfast that she cooks. I am afraid that my relationship with dad is being influenced by things she is saying and as I say any attempt for me to do stuff its a case of 'Be it. on your head etc etc don't upset your sister. I am afraid my relationship with dad will end because he will say he doesn't want me to see him anymore. Regarding his dog he will be due a vaccination this month and no doubt sister or dad will ask me to take the dog to Vet but dad cannot control his dog in the car and obviously sister won't want to be in car with me so I shall ask Vet if they can do a home visit perhaps they can enlighten sister or dad that really his dog is not being treated fairly and that his dog deserves to have more freedom around the home or be re-

homed.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Family and/or sibling dynamics can be difficult and even sharing of caring or one person doing the bulk is often a cause of conflict. I had 2 fairly invisibles who were non communicative most of the time.

However, if it were me I would stick to my guns and visit when you are able/can/want to whilst probably pointing out to her that neither of you are the people that matter in all of this...it is your dad. I feel a little concerned for the dog though as it seems that for one reason or another his freedom around the house is being restricted now and your dad's inevitable decline may mean that a hard decision may have to be taken at some stage.For your dad proactive visits and help are needed from both of you and that yes remind your sister that you both have other demanding caring roles and responsibilities in your own homes.

Emotionally I would draw a line under what has gone on between you in the past and accept that it will most likely not improve and once your dad has passed away contact may cease altogether.

Caring arrangements often have to change due to family circumstances, don't let your sister make you feel guilty...as you said the problems she feels are hers not yours.When your mum was around she was probably able to smooth things or defend you to the sister and now that has gone so she is s loose controlling canon!

 

[canary]

It may not be as you think @Wildflowerlady . I expect that he had forgotten about his visitor earlier on. I remember when OH and I visited his mum in her care home. On the way in we met up with OHs brother who was on his way out from visiting. We had a short chat and then OH and I went up to his mums room. When we got there she said that no-one ever came to visit her and absolutely denied that OHs brother (her son) had been. She had simply forgotten.
The story that your sister is ill sounds like a confabulation to me. Mum told me that a neighbour of hers had visited to tell her that she was emigrating - totally untrue!
Unfortunately, you cannot entirely trust things that have come from someone with dementia. They sound totally convincing, but they are actually very confused. He might be telling your sister similar stories about you!!!