Selling home - when is the right time?

[Champers]

90 year old MIL has been in CH for just over 2 months. She seems very settled and tells us every time we visit how wonderful the staff and the care is. However, she always asks about her home and keeps mentioning that she hopes we’re keeping an eye on things and that we must put the heating on when the weather gets colder etc etc.

It’s highly unlikely (and would be totally inappropriate) for her ever to return to her home now. She’s become even more support dependent and is generally progressively weaker each week. She no longer asks about when she going home which was her default response when she was in hospital and we try and avoid talking about it too much.

She’s very muddled about where her home is; 40 years ago she lived on the Isle of Wight and I think the way she talks, she still believes that this is the house she left to come into the CH.

We would rather she made the decision than us but it’s difficult to know how much reality she grasps. We tried to introduce the idea by suggesting that we cancelled her council tax DD as there was no point in her paying it whilst the house was empty but this didn’t seem to have rung any bells. Although we have POA neither of us feel comfortable doing it without her agreement. Are we being too sensitive and just do it?

 

[love.dad.but..]

I had to do it for dad without him knowing or being told...we try and apply our reasoning and sensibilities to the pwd which is natural but in reality the person is often at a stage if a care home is needed that their understanding or retention of information is limited, fluctuating or non existent. We are brought by our parents to be open and honest and this feels deceitful and alien but needs must and as she will sadly only decline a return to her home is out of the question. The market generally isn't great in some areas but selling would give her care financial security and lessen the maintenance and upkeep burden/ expenditure. I looked briefly at renting but the work involved for a return which would not nearly cover fees after expenses, tax etc was not a serious proposition. Brush that guilt monkey off your shoulder, you are thinking sensibly and practically in the circumstances.

 

[TNJJ]

At some point it is going to have to be done.I would just go ahead and do it.

 

[Beate]

That last sentence, yep. No point involving her, just do it but don't tell her.

 

[canary]

I had to clear out and sell mums bungalow without her knowledge. She would never have understood why I had to do it and she would have just got very upset. It does feel horrible, though, as if you are being deceitful, but I just had to order my big girls pants and get on with it

 

[Rosettastone57]

90 year old MIL has been in CH for just over 2 months. She seems very settled and tells us every time we visit how wonderful the staff and the care is. However, she always asks about her home and keeps mentioning that she hopes we’re keeping an eye on things and that we must put the heating on when the weather gets colder etc etc.

It’s highly unlikely (and would be totally inappropriate) for her ever to return to her home now. She’s become even more support dependent and is generally progressively weaker each week. She no longer asks about when she going home which was her default response when she was in hospital and we try and avoid talking about it too much.

She’s very muddled about where her home is; 40 years ago she lived on the Isle of Wight and I think the way she talks, she still believes that this is the house she left to come into the CH.

We would rather she made the decision than us but it’s difficult to know how much reality she grasps. We tried to introduce the idea by suggesting that we cancelled her council tax DD as there was no point in her paying it whilst the house was empty but this didn’t seem to have rung any bells. Although we have POA neither of us feel comfortable doing it without her agreement. Are we being too sensitive and just do it?

Just do it. My mother-in-law was in care and would never have understood or agreed to the sale of her property. Don't discuss it with her, if you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you'll wait forever

 

[Sirena]

Just go ahead and do it. If she asks about the house, tell her everything's fine - if you tell her it's being sold she'll be upset and won't understand why.

My mother rented her flat, and within a fortnight of her moving to a CH I cleared the flat and gave the keys back to the landlord, she knew nothing about it. The fact she was paying £1k a month in rent stifled any qualms I had about it!

 

[Sarasa]

Although mum agreed to us selling her flat, by the time we had a buyer and had moved her to a care home she'd forgotten that. We just went on with it, cleared the flat and completed the sale. We've got some stuff in the loft and some has gone/will go to the care home. The rest we sent to charity shops or freecycled. It was a weird thing to do, but I think you'd probably be best to sell the place and then just make vague noises if your mother in law mentions it. So glad she's settled there.

 

[Palerider]

I wish I had sold mums property and moved her to somewhere other than rural living 4 years ago. Instead I dithered and now its too late to move her unless its to a CH. In hindsight I should have just got on with it and not worried too much. Sometimes I think you just have to do it. I hope this helps.

 

[Dimpsy]

Don't prevaricate, do it!

We ummed and aaghed over mum's house, she was never going to live in it again, but we felt like thieves in the night disposing of her stuff.

And then I read somewhere that for a life well lived, passing on possessions is easy, mum enjoyed her life and all the acquisitions made along the way. She has no need of them now, what was once important to her is no longer, so pass them on for others to use. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders when it's emptied and sold.

PS mum's world has narrowed, but she still likes treats.

 

[Champers]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Everyone here on TP in is invaluable with their contributions.

I think you’ve all summed it up very well - we do feel like we’re thieves and are being deceitful. I don’t know why? We both know MIL will never be going back there. I guess we’re trying to put ourselves, in our own healthy current state of mind, in her shoes and imagining how we would feel if we were having respite care, only to find our own children had sold our house. But it isn’t respite care is it? MIL has moved on to another stage in her life and is probably no longer emotionally attached to her home; especially if she’s referring to one from long ago. Today when we visited, she said, “It’s funny isn’t it, that I lived for years opposite here and now I’ve actually ended up in this place?” Her home is at least 5 miles away from the CH and so she never lived close to it before.

 

[whetstone woman]

We have just had to do this. Mum had lived in the house for 68 years. At 97 and following a massive stroke there was no way we could involve her in whether to sell or what should happen to the contents. Although she had enough income and savings for the fees with no one living local it was not a viable proposition but it was horrid having to do it.

 

[Brumsteve]

When my mother was moved into a CH my sister and I moved quickly to get her house on the market. We have POA.

We did this for two main reasons: one was we knew she wouldn't be returning as her dementia was progressing rapidly and two we need the funds to pay for her care even though we have got deferred payments agreed with the council.

Sooner or later you will have to sell the house but my advice would be to do it now. I will warn you that if it's the 'family home' as you go through the process and clearing out it will be difficult.

 

[Champers]

Once again - many thanks.

I think my husband is struggling with guilt because he promised his mother he would never sell the house without her agreement. He’s also concerned that one of her friends might tell her when they’re visiting and inadvertently distress her. I think her capacity fluctuates so much that even if MIL realises what is happening, she will soon forget about it.
When going through a photo album with her yesterday, we came across loads of pictures of her and her late husband renovating the house when they moved in 40 years ago. Not once did she ask about it in the present tense although she had plenty of opportunity and we half expected her to talk about “going home” but nothing. I suppose this suggests that she has already disassociated or disconnected herself from it and only lives in the immediate moment now?

 

[canary]

I suppose this suggests that she has already disassociated or disconnected herself from it and only lives in the immediate moment now?

I think you are probably right. I felt really guilty about selling mums home "behind her back", but it had to be done and she wouldnt have understood the reason. I think she only asked about her bungalow a couple of times once she had settled in her care home and I told her not to worry as I was sorting it all out (I purposely left it vague)

 

[Bunpoots]

I felt awful having to clear my dad’s bungalow when he went into care. I suppose in the back of my mind I was hoping he would get better, although the rational part of me knew that at 90yrs old with severe mixed dementia it wasn’t going to happen.

When his social worker asked him if he had stairs in his house and his reply was “of course I have” I knew he didn’t remember it. It was particularly sad as only 10 years before he had lovingly updated it and he was so proud...

In some ways I suppose it was easier for me as it was in fairly good condition and I only had to do a little work on in to rent it out to help with his fees. But I knew this would make his funds last another 3yrs before I had to sell and dad was unlikely to last that long.

 

[sausagedog]

I remember feeling terrible guilt selling the family home after my mum had been in her care home for almost a year....I’d promised to look after her house which I did (25 miles from where I live) keeping everything just so but of course I knew she’d never be ‘going home’ ...Her money was disappearing fast for the care home fees & eventually there was just no choice ....I never discussed selling her house, because she wouldnt be able to understand and becoming more confused plus I didn’t want to cause her distress at 94.....I just took the plunge and got on with it, emptying week by week. I’m so glad I didn’t have to tell her because 2 weeks after the sale was complete, she passed away. I hated doing it but it’s just one of those things that is probably best done as soon as possible - I just kept saying to myself I was doing the right thing

 

[Witzend]

We just got on and did it - or rather my brother did. There was no way my mother could ever return home, so no point in waiting. We didn't tell or ask her - it would only have caused pointless upset or distress.

If and when she asked about the house, we just said not to worry, R (brother) was looking after it for her.
But it wasn't too long before she stopped asking, and if she later mentioned 'home', it was a childhood one.

 

[Cocoloco]

Hi all my mum has been in a CH since February still not altogether settled and on some visits insists she wants to come back with us and sometimes she is quite happy to stay where she is. We have now sold my mums house and will complete on the sale next week. I found emptying the house very stressful my brother less so. He insisted that it was sold, I would have gone for renting it as my mum is self funding she doesn't need any of the house money for some years. Now it's all a forgone conclusion in hindsight it has been the best way forward , although I still feel guilty at all this going on behind mums back . This has now become another of the crosses I have to bear.

 

[Champers]

I’ve started a thread, Not Very Proud of Myself, about now moving my own mother into the same CH as MIL.

I visited MIL yesterday and told her that Mother will be joining her (they’ve known each other 30 years btw) The first thing MIL asked was what was I going to do with Mother’s house? I told her that we would eventually sell it as it was two hours away and it probably wasn’t good to leave a property unoccupied for a period of time - I was optimistically hoping that MIL would “bite” and it would be a good opener to further discuss her property and its disposal.
Unfortunately, MIL then helpfully said, “Perhaps ******* should move into my house?”


Noooooo!!!