Should I mention this?

[Feistywoman]

Mum is now 5 weeks in the care home and is struggling to settle. She always asks me to drop her home as I leave and then has a huff...it’s usually forgotten by my next visit.

So, it’s my birthday this week, my mum has no idea where we are in the year. I don’t know if I should mention it and risk further upset or just have my own celebration with son and husband. I just hate her missing out but it may facilitate the ‘going home’ thing again.

Another thing...I have family coming up to see her from down south next weekend, 4 of them...I can see it being completely overwhelming for her. Anyway, I’m taking them and my Mum put for lunch to somewhere near the home. I know there’s no point in mentioning it to her but looking for some tips that you may have if she does become overwhelmed...I’m overthinking things as per!

 

[Sarasa]

I wouldn't bother telling your mum it's your birthday. She'd probably just be upset that she hadn't got you a card.
As for the family outing, can you do something in the care home? I've noticed families having picnics in the coffee bar or garden or bringing in pizza from the restaurant next door at mum's home. Then if she kicks off you'll have help on hand.

 

[Helly68]

In terms of your birthday, I would take some cake in with you, enjoy it together but otherwise don't say anything.
With the trip out - can you really play it by ear? I find, with my mum in a CH you really can't plan ahead. Some days she is a lot better than others. Could you all go to see her and if all goes well, all go on to lunch? Perhaps time your return for CH tea time or a meal so that she is going back to do something, and don't make a big thing about leaving.
I found the things I wanted to include Mummy in, changed over time. She now can't leave her CH and would be upset to do so. I have had to change the way I celebrate things to include her but often in a more low-key way. I not convinced she would now enjoy a bigger "event" but everyone is different. My Mum is mid to late stage mixed dementia.

 

[Feistywoman]

Thanks for your help, I agree, just let the birthday go. To be honest we’re it that big on that kind of thing so it’s no big deal from my point of view. I was only thinking of my Mum missing out.

The care home doesn’t really have a space for us to eat, it does have a family room but it’s quite small for 7 of us and food! The restaurant is literally next to the care home so I’ll judge it on the day whether it’s a good idea or not. I’m concerned that she’ll find it all too much and the family are going be to quite shocked by her decline so it’ll be trying to manage all these behaviours and emotions!

 

[canary]

I’m concerned that she’ll find it all too much and the family are going be to quite shocked by her decline so it’ll be trying to manage all these behaviours and emotions!

TBH, I think thats a reasonable concern.
Why not plan for these things happening and then if they dont - its a bonus!

 

[Sirena]

I agree re not mentioning your birthday. My mother hadn't remembered my birthday for a couple of years before she went into the CH and I never reminded her.

If the relatives have not seen her for a while I think you are right they may be shocked by her decline, and she is likely to be overwhelmed by four extra people visiting. My mother's cousin plus husband visited her last year in the CH and I think they were taken aback by her deterioration as they hadn't seen her for well over a year. They only stayed an hour (they just had tea and cake in the CH) because they quickly realised that was all my mother could cope with. So if you go to the restaurant and your mother does seem overwhelmed, it is good it's so nearby and you can get her back to the CH easily. Good luck with the visit.

 

[Feistywoman]

Thanks all! I’m not going to stress about it, my relations are very supportive of the decision she should be in a care home so that’s good.
It will however end in a flounce as every time she sees me she thinks I’m taking her home at the end of my visit then has serious rage about others making her decisions.
Surprisingly I’ve become quite blaze about it though spend my visit waiting for it to rear it’s head and am them relieved to an extent when I make it out the door leaving the poor carers with her rage. I feel guilty about this relief but I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels this way.