My husband has Lewy Body Dementia. As this is progressing he constantly does "silly things". He makes a mess with his food, spills food on his clothes, puts clean clothes to wash etc etc etc gets confused when we are out, for example he sits on the floor on the bus instead of the seat. Sometimes I cope and clear up the mess etc. I seem to be at a low ebb at present and keep shouting at him. I am not proud of myself and he says "dont shout at me". It hurts and I dont mean to. Is anyone out there agreeing with what I am saying?
Feeling guilty for shouting at my husband
- Thread starter Larker
- Start date
Thank you Guzelle. Nice yes I keep telling myself the same. Like you say I try to discuss other problems re house and family but he just says silly things as he doesnt understand. We do laugh a lot and I need to remember that when I come back from my dark day. All the best to both of you
Hi @Larker, it's simply a dreadful feeling when you eventually snap and end up shouting. I know when I did on one occasion I felt the most awful guilt (and still do, even more so after Mum's passing), although the PWD will normally have forgotten in a short while it lasts a lot longer with the individual who loves and cares for them. We are only human and even the most patient of people have a point where they snap back in the moment. It's certainly one of the worst feelings.
I find there's just one important factor... have I had enough sleep? I can deal with anything if I'm well rested. The more tired I am, the harder it is to restrain a raw reaction to the string of mini-disasters peppering the day... and especially the night these days.
I had a decent night's sleep about 4 years ago. It was a Thursday, I think.
It's also important to acknowledge that what many carers are attempting to do is right at the edge of human capability. Venting steam is perfectly natural and necessary to stop us having a stroke, but there are obviously good ways and bad ways to do it. As long as we still recognise the bad ways when we've lapsed, then we're still carers, not despairers.
I'm now going to go and have a stern word with myself about that last sentence. But as long as I still recognise a lousy phrase when I write it, I'm still a writer, not a *****...
Hang on, I appear to be stuck in a loop. Time to go vent some steam on a brief damp dog walk.
I had a decent night's sleep about 4 years ago. It was a Thursday, I think.
It's also important to acknowledge that what many carers are attempting to do is right at the edge of human capability. Venting steam is perfectly natural and necessary to stop us having a stroke, but there are obviously good ways and bad ways to do it. As long as we still recognise the bad ways when we've lapsed, then we're still carers, not despairers.
I'm now going to go and have a stern word with myself about that last sentence. But as long as I still recognise a lousy phrase when I write it, I'm still a writer, not a *****...
Hang on, I appear to be stuck in a loop. Time to go vent some steam on a brief damp dog walk.
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Spot on @Andrew_McP, sleep deprivation can turn us from roll-over pussy cats into roaring tigers.
I'm ashamed to admit that I shouted at mum - and she shouted back.
Not only did she shout but she waved her walking stick at me!
I don't know who was more surprised, her or me - or OH who witnessed it.
Of course I said I was sorry, countless times (mum didn't, she had forgotten), but I still carry the guilt. It hadn't happened before and hasn't happened since, as a rule us Dimpsy's are a mild mannered bunch, but it was a timely reminder to take a deep breath and walk away.
I'm ashamed to admit that I shouted at mum - and she shouted back.
Not only did she shout but she waved her walking stick at me!
I don't know who was more surprised, her or me - or OH who witnessed it.
Of course I said I was sorry, countless times (mum didn't, she had forgotten), but I still carry the guilt. It hadn't happened before and hasn't happened since, as a rule us Dimpsy's are a mild mannered bunch, but it was a timely reminder to take a deep breath and walk away.
You are not alone. I go between anger/irritation...and compassion...It is very hard. Hang in there.
If the situation were reversed, would your PWD have the same patience if you did such things?
Reaching the end of your tether is only human. We are quick to criticise ourselves but I bet you never praise yourself for all the times you kept it together despite extreme provocation!
But surely, the time to worry is when you lose it but don't care or feel in the slightest bit guilty. That would be a concern, this isn't - you are doing a brilliant job!
Reaching the end of your tether is only human. We are quick to criticise ourselves but I bet you never praise yourself for all the times you kept it together despite extreme provocation!
But surely, the time to worry is when you lose it but don't care or feel in the slightest bit guilty. That would be a concern, this isn't - you are doing a brilliant job!
Don’t feel bad Larker, I’ve come so close to loosing it today, I’ve managed to keep a lid on it (up to now anyway!) but I too have been feeling really down just lately, I think it’s this following me around everywhere, it’s as if he thinks I’ll disappear if he takes his eyes off me! He’s sat next to me on the bed as I type this, he thinks I’m on the tropical fish forum, thank goodness he can’t work my phone! xx
xx
Thanks Andrew, that gave me a laugh, mind you I am desperate for a laugh these days, so don’t go entering Britain’s Got Talent Just yet!I find there's just one important factor... have I had enough sleep? I can deal with anything if I'm well rested. The more tired I am, the harder it is to restrain a raw reaction to the string of mini-disasters peppering the day... and especially the night these days.
I think I had a decent night's sleep 4 years ago. It was a Thursday, I think.
I think it's important to acknowledge though that what many carers are attempting to do is right at the edge of human capability. Venting steam is perfectly natural and necessary to stop us having a stroke, but there are obviously good ways and bad ways to do it. As long as we still recognise the bad ways when we've lapsed, then we're still carers, not despairers.
I'm now going to go and have a stern word with myself about that last sentence. But as long as I still recognise a lousy phrase when I write it, I'm still a writer, not a *****...
Hang on, I appear to be stuck in a loop. Time to go vent some steam on a brief damp dog walk.
Don’t feel bad Larker, I’ve come so close to loosing it today, I’ve managed to keep a lid on it (up to now anyway!) but I too have been feeling really down just lately, I think it’s this following me around everywhere, it’s as if he thinks I’ll disappear if he takes his eyes off me! He’s sat next to me on the bed as I type this, he thinks I’m on the tropical fish forum, thank goodness he can’t work my phone!
I was just thinking how awful I am as I have been stroppy with my OH with lewy body dementia.. After bad night's trying to get him to stop getting up at 2or 3...I lost it and shouted.. Been racked with guilt all day... Its awful but so reassured I'm not alone feeling resentful... Thanks to all of you who take the time to post your experience....... X
We can certainly do with a laugh! I miss that from my partner - he had such a dry sense of humour, always made me laugh - it's gone now. I have to try not to get angry with him because he gets angry right back and that's scary from someone who was totally calm and laid back and would never rise to an argument. I've been on the gin tonight (only one!) but it's making me all teary, remembering what he used to be like BA (before Alzhiemer's) - probably better stay to off the gin.....
I know what you mean Linton - the hardest part for me is losing the person I could talk to about anything, the discussions we used to have on all sorts of topics, now it's just nonsense conversation, I can't understand anything he's trying to tell me and he can't understand anything I tell him, even after repeating 5 times! I don't have patience for being a carer and I miss the person he was so much! I find it hard to accept that after a loving partnership we are now in the situation where I am more or less a mother to a large child!!!
You echo my feelings so much 'white rose'.. and so upsetting when I think how my OH would feel if he knew this was going to happen to him... and our life together... If I let these feeling linger I'd never be able to go on... Luckily we have family who help keep me sane... Xxxx
That’s it isn’t it, the one person that was always there for us to lean on has gone, I had a phone call tonight saying my son was in hospital, (he’s ok now) but obviously Iwas really worried and told hubby, but even that didn’t register, he just carried on talking rubbish. It’s so bloody hard to keep putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine, just to keep them calm.!xx
I still find the need to tell him my problems. I start to talk, and I might get two or three words out and then I stop as I realise it's pointless as he won't understand me. He doesn't even realise I was talking, he's so far into his own world.
Oh Linton, I feel more guilty now because you (and so many others on here) have it so much worse than me, I just hope I have the strength and love that you have, when it gets that bad!
xx
I know exactly what you mean, we just can’t accept that they’re not still in there somewhere! xx
