My Grandmother Refuses Help and Diagnosis

[helpingfromuni]

My Grandmother lives with my Grandfather and has vascular dementia. She has been showing signs of a gradual decline for around 10 years, in 2017 she had her first 'episode' whereby she woke up and couldn't remember anything from the past week and got very scared. After a referral to the memory clinic she was diagnosed with vascular dementia, she did not take this well and threatened to kill herself and refused to accept the diagnosis. 2 years later and she is still in this position of denial however now is refusing to seek ANY form of help despite not recognising my grandfather most days and is becoming increasingly violent towards him which is scary for us all. My mum and uncle are over every day alongside at least one of my 5 sibling however this is beginning to take a serious toll on them and my grandfather.
The memory clinic called her today and she has gone into some frenzy and became incredibly aggressive with everyone and believes we're all conspiring against her. Medication is out of the question and she is screaming (literally) that she will kill herself if we try to get any help.

Does anyone have any help or guidance on how we can approach this better as we are all now really struggling to cope.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @helpingfromuni. Welcome to DTP.

I'm sorry to read of the difficulty you are all having with your Grandmother. Could you call the memory clinic back and explain what has happened without your Grandmother being aware. You obviously desperately need professional input.

If your Grandmother is showing extreme aggression she is a danger to herself as well as everyone else and this is a "safeguarding" issue for 2 "vulnerable adults" - your Grandmother and Grandfather and you need urgent input from the memory clinic.

Have your grandparents had a needs assessment from social services? I'm not sure how they would do this if your Grandmother is not co-operative. Bit your grandparents are entitled to one. Tell SS it's urgent and use the words above in inverted commas. These are keywords to get a quick response.

If things don't calm down don't be afraid to dial 999 - they may well be the best people to call if you need urgent help and could be the key to getting your Grandmother the help she needs.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @helpingfromuni
a warm welcome to DTP

your poor grandfather must be so worried, and both he and your grandmother need support ... your family sound wonderful, but no family can deal with such a situation without outside support

I appreciate that it's really tough for family to hear what your grandmother is saying ... however, there comes a time when her needs outweigh her wants ... and your grandfather has a right to feel safe in his own home

it may be that your grandmother has slipped in time to when she was either unmarried or recently married, so her 'husband' is the young man of years ago not the much older man in her home who is behaing towards her in a very familiar manner ... anyone would react to that ... and understandably the situation is scary for everyone

if your grandfather is unable to seek more support, ask your mum and uncle to contact their Local Authority Adult Services and arrange an urgent assessment of your grandmother's care needs ... tell them to be brutally honest and make it clear that she is a 'vulnerable adult' who because of her dementia and behaviour is 'at risk' of harming her husband and by not accepting medical help she is 'at risk through self neglect' ... and they are afraid this will become a 'safeguarding' issue

make sure her GP is completely up to date with exactly what is happening .... is ther any way your grandmother might accept meds, as they may well help her, eg letting her believe they are for something physical

if your grandmother threatens your grandfather or is violent in any way, call the police as they can help and make an urgent referral to Social Services ... I appreciate this is difficult for family to do, but it is a way for the situation to be flagged up as needing support

you might also contact Admiral Nurses as they are there to support the carer
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/