Turning me into a nasty person!

[big l]

Dear, dear Fishgirl I am senior fish person personified. There are days when nothing but venom comes out of my mouth - anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction overtake the nice(?) me and I BLAST OFF! - Oh yes those holiday photos. The lazy, hazy happy holiday they're having (3rd this year or whatever) - and the comments when they return bronzed and replete. "Are you going away? No? Oh but you should! - it's not good for you not to get away. I KNOW THAT!!!!! Oh don't I want to weep and scream and rant for us all and just wish for a very small slice of justice for every last one of us tired, deflated carers. (sorry, no suggestions for where that justice might come from.) Oh yes! Those holidays Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!. Take heart fishgirl, I suspect we're part of a very, very large group of people that feel just the way you and I do. Sympathy and hugs too you
.

Hi everyone, I know Dementia can turn the person with it into a different nasty person, but now my OH illness is turning me into one! Yesterday morning a neighbor called to pick up a parcel I’d taken in for her earlier in the week, she then proceeded to tell me what seemed like every detail of the wonderful holiday she and her husband had just been on, I felt like screaming at her to shut up and didn’t she know what I was going through! Then later in the day I got a text from my cousin showing them lounging by the pool in Mexico with cocktails in hand, I felt so resentful! Both couples are about our age ( early 70s) It’s not so much the holidays I resent as the fact that they can still enjoy life together! And now I feel guilty for being so jealous.

 

[Grahamstown]

I walked there and back having picked up the pyjamas, about 3 miles round trip, and had a soft drink. It’s hot out there but I feel tons better. I was so relieved that he was still on his bed when I got back, and dreaded that he was waiting downstairs for me, how awful is that? I shall get through the rest of the day alright now I think. A funny/sad thing happened while I was having my drink. A down and out looking man put his foot on a low sill the other side of the window to do up his shoelace, looked up and I smiled at him, he smiled back and nodded thanks, put his hand up to show that he had lost his first finger, smiled again and went on his way. For some reason it brought tears to my eyes, such a human thing, non verbal communication, maybe because that has gone with my nearest and dearest.

 

[Starbright]

When my husband was at his most confused, angry, frustrated and antagonistic I`m afraid we spent many hours in separate rooms.

These emotions were always directed towards me and sometimes I felt if I breathed out I should have breathed in.

We lived on the flat so I could check on him every time I went into the kitchen or bathroom and sometimes he looked up and welcomed me and at other times he was in his own world.

I had a television, radio, phone and computer in our bedroom, which is where I sat, and my husband was in the living room. He rarely came to look for me.

Perhaps I could have handled it better. I`ll never know. All I did was to try to prevent flare ups which were dreadfully upsetting to both of us.

Hello..Grannie G.me too but I’m downstairs he’s upstairs ...there’s a lot of silence in our house.After a couple of days in hospital with a bad uti OH had some respite and the policy seems to be if a pwd doesn’t want to mix wants to stay in bed all day or basically not cooperate or do anything then that’s ok . I’m wondering is that what we have to do just let him be .Which becomes increasingly difficult when friends and family insist “ Oh get him up and out and about he needs stimulation “ aaarrrrgh.
That really was a rant wasn’t it ?? Anyway here’s a hug Hugs A x

 

[Grannie G]

friends and family insist “ Oh get him up and out and about he needs stimulation “ aaarrrrgh.

My sister who lived 300 miles away kept telling me my husband needed a project to stimulate him.

 

[canary]

Which becomes increasingly difficult when friends and family insist “ Oh get him up and out and about he needs stimulation “

Oh I get so annoyed about that "he needs more stimulation" as if its the be all and end all. Extra stimulation is bound to sort everything out and make them recover from their dementia dont you know.....

 

[Fishgirl]

Dear, dear Fishgirl I am senior fish person personified. There are days when nothing but venom comes out of my mouth - anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction overtake the nice(?) me and I BLAST OFF! - Oh yes those holiday photos. The lazy, hazy happy holiday they're having (3rd this year or whatever) - and the comments when they return bronzed and replete. "Are you going away? No? Oh but you should! - it's not good for you not to get away. I KNOW THAT!!!!! Oh don't I want to weep and scream and rant for us all and just wish for a very small slice of justice for every last one of us tired, deflated carers. (sorry, no suggestions for where that justice might come from.) Oh yes! Those holidays Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!. Take heart fishgirl, I suspect we're part of a very, very large group of people that feel just the way you and I do. Sympathy and hugs too you
.

Hello big 1, thanks for the sympathy and hugs...
People think I’m a bit obsessed with my fish tanks (only 2) but they don’t realise how they help to keep me sane! Either occupying OH by helping me change water, clean tanks etc. or letting me go into my own world just watching them for a while! Big hug to you too xx

 

[Grahamstown]

I’m wondering is that what we have to do just let him be

That’s what I do and it’s okay. He is contented but it does mean that I bear the brunt of this mad world that I seem to be in.

 

[Fishgirl]

Oh I get so annoyed about that "he needs more stimulation" as if its the be all and end all. Extra stimulation is bound to sort everything out and make them recover from their dementia dont you know.....

A relative of mine keeps saying, should I bring him some crossword puzzle books, it’ll give him something to do!! He has trouble remembering how to write his own name sometimes, how the hell does she think he’d manage a crossword puzzle, I’m sure she thinks I’m not trying hard enough.

 

[Starbright]

Oh dear me , the endless chatter (( from the ones who know all the answers to curing dementia)).about day care/singing/ jigsaws / etc etc ...he was once given a calligraphy set because it would help him concentrate .
Mmmmm.
A x

 

[Linton]

Omg.. What is happening to us... I'm so used to 'playing' the game of going along with all the hallucinations that I'm almost seeing them myself... Going mad or what... Trying to distract all the time is sending me up the wall.. Now thinking laterally setting up a space where he can go to focus on things he used to do.. (used to be our bedroom till we moved it downstairs). All his art things and drawings he's done ( was a professional artist) hoping it will help to focus on something else other than all the people who inhabit our home.. While he can... Few moments of sanity.. Love to all fellow carers xx

 

[Roseleigh]

What is DD??

As Spamar said - it's usual abreviation used on Mumsnet and Gransnet.

 

[White Rose]

All you say @White Rose is so accurate. It’s the repetitive, irrelevant chat that is so wearing. I try to ignore it and mumble, I can get nasty too with sheer exasperation and then feel terrible. The next minute he has forgotten it all only to repeat the process and so it goes on. My pot of patience runs very low at times but by the next morning it is refilled only to run down again. Over and over again.

It's the worst isn't it. I went to bed last night annoyed with myself for lack of patience and being snappy with him - I resolved to SMILE at him, whatever is happening, but then I was awake most of the night (full moon does this to me, very weird!!), so have really struggled today and had to go out on my bike just to get a break - but then I started to think of how he was before the Alzheimer's just 3 years ago and then start getting teary, crying on a bike isn't very cool! Oh well, tomorrow's another day - let's tell ourselves to SMILE!

 

[Roseleigh]

but then I was awake most of the night ...so have really struggled today

A good nights sleep makes a huge difference. I have explained over and over to OH that if he keeps waking me from 5ish onwards, when he often gets up for breakfast, I will be tired and irritable all day. He understands, but does it anyway, igoring 'Do not wake me up' on my door!!'

 

[TNJJ]

As Spamar said - it's usual abreviation used on Mumsnet and Gransnet.

Thanks.

 

[jenniferjean]

A relative of mine keeps saying, should I bring him some crossword puzzle books, it’ll give him something to do!!

Does she not think that if you thought it would help he'd be surrounded with puzzle books. It's so annoying and upsetting. It makes you feel that you could do more, but you can't. My OH's brother said to me the other day, after my OH had repeated himself for the umpteenth time, that I should remark each time as if I'd not heard it before. Really?

 

[jenniferjean]

Omg.. What is happening to us... I'm so used to 'playing' the game of going along with all the hallucinations that I'm almost seeing them myself...

I'm so used to hearing my OH repeating certain words in a strange voice that he hears on TV that if he's asleep I'm hearing them in my head instead.

 

[Fishgirl]

Does she not think that if you thought it would help he'd be surrounded with puzzle books. It's so annoying and upsetting. It makes you feel that you could do more, but you can't. My OH's brother said to me the other day, after my OH had repeated himself for the umpteenth time, that I should remark each time as if I'd not heard it before. Really?

Oh yes I love that one, and the one when I remark that it drives you mad, and they say,Well you have to be patient with him, he can’t help it! Oh I see I thought he was doing it deliberately to annoy me.

 

[Fishgirl]

I walked there and back having picked up the pyjamas, about 3 miles round trip, and had a soft drink. It’s hot out there but I feel tons better. I was so relieved that he was still on his bed when I got back, and dreaded that he was waiting downstairs for me, how awful is that? I shall get through the rest of the day alright now I think. A funny/sad thing happened while I was having my drink. A down and out looking man put his foot on a low sill the other side of the window to do up his shoelace, looked up and I smiled at him, he smiled back and nodded thanks, put his hand up to show that he had lost his first finger, smiled again and went on his way. For some reason it brought tears to my eyes, such a human thing, non verbal communication, maybe because that has gone with my nearest and dearest.

Isn’t it funny how little gestures like that start to mean so much more now, at one time you probably wouldn’t have even noticed him, maybe it’s because our compassion has had to increase a 100 fold! I’m in the not driving scenario at the moment, how on earth do you tell someone that they have to stop doing something that they’ve done for 50 years, when they can’t understand why. It’s so bl..dy difficult.

 

[Roseleigh]

Well I am thrilled, I have found another lovely small care home for OH to go for respite, and he is invited for 'informal assessment' and to have lunch there tomorrow. The rating is 'outstanding' , the room is light and pleasant and has a TV, and although an old house it smells fresh and airy, a beautiful small garden at the back too. If I was looking for long term care I'd seriously consider this place. The manager is a delightful friendly young man with specialist dementia training too.

We both went to look at two this morning and despite being recommended by Js dementia nurse, I hated them, they are rated 'good' and the staff seemed nice and caring, but soooo depressing, dreary, long corridors, and very confusing layout. It was obvious from his demeanor he hated it, and I dont blame him.
After this horrible experience I didnt take him to the last one but hopefully he will enjoy tomorrows visit.

 

[Fishgirl]

Well I am thrilled, I have found another lovely small care home for OH to go for respite, and he is invited for 'informal assessment' and to have lunch there tomorrow. The rating is 'outstanding' , the room is light and pleasant and has a TV, and although an old house it smells fresh and airy, a beautiful small garden at the back too. If I was looking for long term care I'd seriously consider this place. The manager is a delightful friendly young man with specialist dementia training too.

We both went to look at two this morning and despite being recommended by Js dementia nurse, I hated them, they are rated 'good' and the staff seemed nice and caring, but soooo depressing, dreary, long corridors, and very confusing layout. It was obvious from his demeanor he hated it, and I dont blame him.
After this horrible experience I didnt take him to the last one but hopefully he will enjoy tomorrows visit.

That sounds lovely Roseleigh,
Do you think you could get me in for a week, I could do with some respite! X