If you were in the room I would give you a big hug, because my heart goes out to you. My husband John is 80 and over the last six months or so - well the last few months - it seems his 'attacks' of continunence has increased. I am sorry to add but it does seem to be a deteriorating situation. And for me like you - I have started thinking and worrying that we 'should not go out to eat anymore'.... because this is when it happens - and not when we are at home.
And yes - it is truly awful for John, myself and indeed people nearby.... because of the smell.
Just a few weeks ago - we were out in our local town doing some light shopping and then went for a coffee break. Sitting down at the cafe table - John murmued 'I am going to the toilet'. Everything seemed OK and he wasn't in a state of panic or anything. But then... when he didn't come back quite soon afterwards I 'knew' something was wrong. With my back turned towards the door at the rear of the cafe - I couldn't John as he came back. As he did.... I could, all the same, smell... him. We then walked back to the car and I was praying that no-one would notice where the 'stuff' had run down and out inside his trouser legs. I hate to think about the state of the toilet in the cafe! Arriving to our car - I placed some plastic sheeting on the passenger seat (John no longer drives) and then opened up the windows as we drove back home. I am sorry to tell you Mickey that this situation to a lesser or greater extent is showing to be more often then before when it used to be a couple of times, say, every six months.
The other problem I have had with John is his resistance to wearing Incontinence Pants.... because they 'look like nappies' he said. But with the situation he has (No.2's to be exact!) using an Incontinence PAD doesn't help solve the problem. You need Pants when this situation arises. Another Carer has suggested too that when we go out for a meal or something special, as in your case - to order the Nighttime Incontinence Pants as there are, evidently, ones that can absorb the smell just a bit. I haven't bought these for John yet but will intend doing so.
And the other thing I learnt about Men going to Toilet and especially in a Crisis of this kind is that in the Men's Loos.... there are "No Bins" John said as there are in Women's Toilets. Consequently, this makes life tougher when as you saying not knowing what to do with the soiled items. But now when we go out - I take an extra pair of Incontinence PANTS so that John can change into these at least. As for the soiled ones.... oh dear that is a tough call for the Carer and moreso for someone who is in their mid to late Eighties as well as Early Nineties.
It is my birthday this Sunday and our family are coming to see us so as to go out for a nice Lunch. I am just hoping and praying that John will be alright. The other thing is that when it happens John said he "doesn't have any warning".... and it is very fast. I am wondering whether to ask John to take some IMODIUM (another tip) before we head off for the Lunch? Yesterday, too, he wet himself and didn't know.... claimed it was from when he washed up some spare dishes... except he didn't.
*Lastly I noticed another member from Talking Point had written about hiring a Carer to look after your OH during the Wedding. Only this week and talking to a company that finds Carer's for whatever reason - an Introduction Company - the assistant told me that recently they had a case where a Wedding (as in respect of your situation) was going to happen in the Family and they wanted their Great Grandmother to come along who was 101. Further that the Wedding was going to be on the Isle of Wight. Like you they pondered seriously about whether to avoid attending but were disappointed all the same. As a result the Family applied for a Carer just to be with their Great Grandmother for the Day Only... collecting her from the Nursing Home where she was now living.... staying with her throughout the Celebration... and then returning her Nursing Home afterwards plus taking a Boat Trip across and back to the IOW. This turned out to be very successful, because the Family were able to enjoy the Wedding themselves knowing their Gt. Grandmother was safely being looked after and without the one to one care worry. PS: The Carer said, evidently, that she had "a lovely day too at the Wedding!" This might be an option for you as well Mickey?*
If you were interested perhaps there is some way I could let you know the name of the company that finds, checks and introduces Carers per the requests... because I doubt I would be permitted to give the company's name through Talking Point, since this could be regarded as a form of advertising.
Sorry this has gone on rather long. But it would be nice for you to be able to go to the Wedding.
Kindest Regards to you and to your OH
Patricia78