Hi all, I live next door to my parents, my mother is primary carer for my father who has diagnosed Vascular and Frontal lobe dementia. He will not allow my mother out of his sight, gets very angry with her and accuses her of having affairs, regularly shouts at her and is always three steps behind her. I have just been to the doctor with my Mum as she is very low and heading towards depression - he advises counselling - can any one recommend a Dementia Carers counsellor in the Surrey/Kent area? We are willing to consider paying. My father has been on a downward slope since a heart attack four years ago - he's 82 and his mental health is deteriorating quite quickly now but I am far more worried for my mother.
Can anyone help with my mother's depression caused by caring for my father
- Thread starter AnnetteW1959
- Start date
Welcome to the forums @AnnetteW1959. I know something of what your mother is going through as my partner has vascular dementia and I'm constantly accused of chasing women even when I only say hello to the carers who come in to help. Your situation sounds a lot worse though.
For dementia carers counselling you could try your local Alzheimers Society at https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you or the carers support centre in Bristol offers counselling for carers, so try https://carers.org/ and enter your parents postcode or home town.
For dementia carers counselling you could try your local Alzheimers Society at https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you or the carers support centre in Bristol offers counselling for carers, so try https://carers.org/ and enter your parents postcode or home town.
I'm normally all for counselling but it seems silly not to go to the root cause of the depression first - your father. She needs proper support from social services and respite from him. The counselling can maybe go hand in hand but it shouldn't be the only remedy, plus, if he doesn't let her out of his sight, how is the counselling going to work? She needs to have him occupied first, at a day centre or care home.
Good luck with getting help for your parents. I can’t offer any practical advice I’m afraid but sending you and yours a big hug x
Is your mother agreeable to have counselling? If she is reluctant or resistant to the idea then it may not be successful.
I think Beate has a fair point too though, AnnetteW and you will find day centres on the same two links I posted last night.
Hello @AnnetteW1959,
I used to be a regular on TP as my mother lived with me, hubby and our children for a number of years before mum went to live in a nursing home and then passed away only a few months later.
Your post resonated with me. Mum was also obsessed with me, needed to be with me all her waking hours, critical of me (hair, driving skills, wearing jeans, children ...you get the picture), jealous and rude towards my husband .. etc. Mum did attend a day centre one day a week earlier in her dementia journey which really helped me. Then it stopped and I became depressed, being the sole carer for mum and isolated from hubby and kids despite of us all living under the same roof.
Counselling would not have worked, as Beate says how would I have been able to receive counselling when mum was always next to me?. Angry if I wasn't. Unbelievably nasty to my children if they were asked to spend time distracting her if I was busy with something else? Indeed I didn't go to the dentist for 2 years, neglecting my own health, as the logistics of it all were just too complex and exhausting to even contemplate.
I am not sure that introducing a day centre to your dad would be a sucess in your case, your dad sounds so entrenched in his "routine" .
Respite was the answer for a couple of years until things got to "the line in the sand" stage of my caring responsibilities...mums needs outweighed her wants, I was broken and she went to live permanently in a care home.
Respite stays in a local home worked very well. Mum stayed 4 or 5 times over 2 years or so. Usually for 2 weeks or so, any less wouldn't have worked, it took me a week to "pick myself up" and then another week to relax, read a book, go out for the day and so on. I didn't go to visit mum during these stays, my anxiety, mums confussion and bitter anger would have certainly destroyed the benefit. Some homes are not able to guarantee a respite booking, ours wasn't either so I only had one foreign holiday mini-break...I was heavily insured in case the home cancelled mum's respite stay and the holiday had to be cancelled, more stress.
Getting mum into the home for each respite stay was always traumatic and one one occassion she refused to leave the car, so at the advice of the care home manager I readily agreed to "hide" in an office and leave them to coax her from the car...it took over 2 hours and was heartbreaking. I would do it again though.
In conclussion my advice would be to look into respite for your Dad.
I really feel for you and your mum, don't let the hard work, exhaustion and relentlessness of it all compound any depression creeping in.
Best wishes, Hair Twiddler.
I used to be a regular on TP as my mother lived with me, hubby and our children for a number of years before mum went to live in a nursing home and then passed away only a few months later.
Your post resonated with me. Mum was also obsessed with me, needed to be with me all her waking hours, critical of me (hair, driving skills, wearing jeans, children ...you get the picture), jealous and rude towards my husband .. etc. Mum did attend a day centre one day a week earlier in her dementia journey which really helped me. Then it stopped and I became depressed, being the sole carer for mum and isolated from hubby and kids despite of us all living under the same roof.
Counselling would not have worked, as Beate says how would I have been able to receive counselling when mum was always next to me?. Angry if I wasn't. Unbelievably nasty to my children if they were asked to spend time distracting her if I was busy with something else? Indeed I didn't go to the dentist for 2 years, neglecting my own health, as the logistics of it all were just too complex and exhausting to even contemplate.
I am not sure that introducing a day centre to your dad would be a sucess in your case, your dad sounds so entrenched in his "routine" .
Respite was the answer for a couple of years until things got to "the line in the sand" stage of my caring responsibilities...mums needs outweighed her wants, I was broken and she went to live permanently in a care home.
Respite stays in a local home worked very well. Mum stayed 4 or 5 times over 2 years or so. Usually for 2 weeks or so, any less wouldn't have worked, it took me a week to "pick myself up" and then another week to relax, read a book, go out for the day and so on. I didn't go to visit mum during these stays, my anxiety, mums confussion and bitter anger would have certainly destroyed the benefit. Some homes are not able to guarantee a respite booking, ours wasn't either so I only had one foreign holiday mini-break...I was heavily insured in case the home cancelled mum's respite stay and the holiday had to be cancelled, more stress.
Getting mum into the home for each respite stay was always traumatic and one one occassion she refused to leave the car, so at the advice of the care home manager I readily agreed to "hide" in an office and leave them to coax her from the car...it took over 2 hours and was heartbreaking. I would do it again though.
In conclussion my advice would be to look into respite for your Dad.
I really feel for you and your mum, don't let the hard work, exhaustion and relentlessness of it all compound any depression creeping in.
Best wishes, Hair Twiddler.
What a brilliantly honest post! Your story could have been written by me. I’m sitting here reading your post while my mum stands over me firing question after question and because I can’t give her the answer she is getting more and more agitated! She sticks to me like glue and I never get a moments peace it’s relentless and I’m not sure I can’t take anymore. Your post gives me hope there’s a solution thank you for sharing x
Hi there, thanks so much for your reply - yes, my mum went to the GP with me yesterday and thought counselling was a good idea - she also responded really well to his suggestion that we introduce a "buddy" for my dad who would hopefully divert some of his attention away from her. He is not far enough advanced to warrant respite and can easily fool some people who don't know him into believing he doesn't have dementia but other times is truly horrible to her- he shouts, has ordered her from the car and suspicious that, after 62 years of happy marriage, she is actively seeking an affair He is also waking up at night and urinating on the carpet as a consequence of his confusion! I need to have a local group or an individual counsellor if anyone can help?
Gosh this sounds so much like my dad right now, the nastiness towards my mum and accusations of affairs has escalated this week going from the odd comment to constant day and night that’s all he’ll talk about and wants her to leave, he’s also not at respite stage and if you met him in the street or called round for 10 minutes you wouldn’t think anything was wrong, he doesn’t need personal care either he’s fine doing that all himself as he’s always done. I’m at a loss too, trying to persuade my mum to go to docs and tell them how she’s feeling and maybe they’ll try and do something for dad too eg up his meds or something, he’s refusing anyone coming like the memory clinic as he thinks he’s fine and the problem of mums “affair” has always been there throughout his marriage, it’s like I have to trick him to get things done eg checking for water infection told him docs appt is for routine checks he has for his diabetes etc if he knew we were checking his sudden change was down to a water infection he’d kick off and refuse as he’s “fine” and doesn’t have dementia. I’m trying to convince my mum to go to BIADs where we live which is a support service for carers of people with alzheimers Ann’s dementia, she’s not one to take part in groups or trips out but they do have councillors and someone to talk to (I hear things from both sides no daughter should have to hear from their parents), sorry this was all long winded, hope your able to find a similar support facility in tournament area x
